At my work in perhaps the busiest restaurant in midtown Toronto (the media capital of Canada don’t you know!) I’ve had my run in with various sports celebrities. I personally have served two former Maple Leafs GMs (John Ferguson Jr; his dad paid, horrible tipper; Gord Stelleck, decent tipper) as well as heard stories of Damon Allen and even R&B singer George (OMG!) being present at the old place. Today however, a young lady walked in, sat herself and her friend at my table and had a few drinks. That young lady? Kristen Bourne, aka Tessa Campinelli from the original Degrassi! Impressive? You bet. It’s one thing if a celebrity that you’ve been told to like (like Kanye West or Cher) sits at your table, but to have someone there from a TV show or movie that you genuinely love, it’s something else altogether. This would be like my friend Shannon meeting George Romero or my cousin Jeff meeting Samuel L Jackson or my buddy Chad meeting Shannon Tweed. It just takes it to a higher level when the person in question belongs to something that is your own. Sorry I’ll stop babbling now. We do have football this week SportsOne. By the way. Yes. I did pick the Browns to cover (+14) last week. I justified it by saying “I don’t know what I’m doin.” Well there you go. And here we go.
TITANS (+2) vs Steelers
The fact that the Steel are getting every call makes them the favourite this week. The Titans are at home and looking to cement their stand as the No 1 seed in the AFC. They say in blackjack to never bet against black. Well this is football. I’m not betting against the mustache.
CHIEFS (+3) vs Dolphins
The fish are set to do battle with the Jets in week 17. The Chiefs have nothing to play for.
It’s going to be cold in KC. All those things equal a game that I won’t be watching but am pretty sure the Chiefs can win.
Cardinals (+8) vs PATRIOTS
Can the Pats win this game? Absolutely. Do I think the Pats win this game? Absolutely! Am I starting to think Tom Brady was just a product of a great offensive system? Absolutely!!!! Will they win by 8? No F*$&ing way.
BROWNS (-3) vs Bengals
They’re calling for a snow storm on Sunday. I really hope Cleveland is covered in snow. It would give a reason to watch this game wouldn’t it? Also, while discussing Madden ’09 with my brother Jordan, he mentioned how he got called for holding during a last second field goal try, rendering the field goal play void and he went into the locker room tied instead of up by 3. We got to talking and decided that most F.U. play we’d like to see happen in Madden ’10: Important Game. Your team up 21-20 with 0:21 left in the 4th. Opponents ball on your 41 yard line. 4th and 8. Instead of lining up for a 58 yd field goal, the computer attempts a pass; it’s batted down, but one of your players inexplicably takes off his helmet giving the computer a 1st and 10 at the 29 with 14 seconds left. They kick the 43yd field goal and win the game. That would cause many a TV to be broken we think. This has to be programmed into next year’s game. It has to.
REDSKINS (+5) vs Eagles
What happened to the ‘Skins? They were in the mix for so long and seemed to have lept off the plank into the harbour these last few weeks. Philly meanwhile has been beating up on teams who have been sort of shell shocked at he time. (Cards in the east, Giants right after Plax, Browns all the time) Washington puts its pride on the line in their last home game of the season and shows up.
49ers (-5) vs RAMS
Everybody in St Louis get your “2-14 Happy Dance” ready!
VIKINGS (-3.5) vs Falcons
There are a couple of things I know for sure. I will never forget meeting Tessa Capminelli (I know I know I’ll stop). Also, Matt Ryan WILL win rookie of the year. He has to. We all (and don’t say you didn’t either. Just because mine is in print and can be accessed 24 hours a day 7 days a week…um….wait…oh s&%#!) picked the Falcons to be terrible this year and they’re two wins away from potentially locking up the 6 seed in the NFC. They fall short this week however. (Am I actually picking T. Jackson to lead Minny to victory? I’m more star struck than I thought)
LIONS (+7) vs Saints
Hey! Remember when the Lions were favoured?? It was back in week 1 on the road in Atlanta! So not only do we have a team that threatens to go winless (or over defeated) but perhaps for the first time ever we have a team that might finish worse than 2-14 being favoured in one of those games on the road! Also, congrats to every Fantasy Football team who has Calvin Johnson in your stating line up. If you have him, you’re still in the playoffs. RIP Trampoline Bear 2008.
Jets (-4) vs SEAHAWKS
Brett Favre travels to Seattle to say goodbye to Mike Holmgren who coaches his second to last game ever. Forget the game, they need to do the postgame show live from the Hooters Brett will be taking his former coach after the Jets inch closer to the AFC East title.
Texans (-7) vs RAIDERS
You can almost feel the 2009 buzz coming for this team can’t you? Well it’s only about three years late. The Texans take their winning streak to Oakland. 2009 Fantasy Note: Keep an eye on Houston’s receivers next season. If you can, pick one up in the 3rd round (I’m not mentioning his name) and also, avoid every starter on Oakland unless you’re in a bizarro league.
Bills (+6.5) vs BRONCOS
This is the game you don’t want to go near. If the Chargers lose at 1pm, then Denver will have already clinched the division and should spend the next two weeks trying to figure out how to stop Peyton Manning from running all over them again. I’m betting on that to happen and the Broncos don’t show up. Plus the running back tandem this week is Tatum Bell, Selvin Young, Tim Biakabutuka, Onterrio Smith and (fresh out of jail) Bam Morris. Not a great line up.
BUCS (-3.5) vs Chargers
Chargers on the east coast means that they lose. At least it gives LaDanian Tomlinson loads more time to recover from that turf toe injury from last year? Now we need Novak Djokovic to miss a year or two with tennis elbow.
Panthers (+3.5) vs GIANTS
Ooh. The game of the week. Unlike the similar game being played in Tennessee, both of these teams are fun to watch. Carolina shows us why they should be the No 1 seed this week. The Giants peaked too early. They also hugely underestimated how vital Plax was to their offence. I know my buddies Ryan (they both like the Giants and they’ve both been rather quiet lately. Hmmm) are just waiting for another excuse to come down on me when the Giants rile off a bunch of wins in a row. Oh well.
BEARS (-4) vs Packers
The final game before Christmas. A few things will happen this week. The Bears will win on Monday night and set up a monster week 17. Thousands of parents will set up videos hoping that their kid opening his/her presents on Thursday will be the next internet sensation in the likeness of that little boy getting the N64 like ten years ago. And millions of men will have to make a new hole in their belt with a nail.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Dear Mr. President - The State of Sports Networks in Canada
Dear President Obama,
You are about to become the most powerful man on earth. You have been elected to run the most important government in the world and with the help of your contemporaries around the globe have the opportunity to not only change things for the better, but also to rub out the constant threats of terror that have plagued western civilization for most of the last decade. You also have an opportunity to help your younger brothers become better equipped for life in the 21st century. You yourself are a sports fan. You stated last month before the election that if you could change one thing in the sporting world it would be to have an eight team playoff to determine the NCAA Football Champion. Mr Obama sir, myself and countless others in a foreign nation need your help too. We need your help to change the very structure of our own BCS situation. Mr President Elect: With your help and ours, we can together fix this atrocity. We can make the life of a Canadian sports fan no longer suck.
Don’t get me wrong. The sports scene here is pretty good actually. We have six teams in the league dedicated to the greatest game on earth. We also have a single baseball team and basketball team which captures the hearts of the nation; never more evident fifteen years ago when the baseball team won its second of back to back World Series titles and then later that fall it was announced that the same city would be getting its very own NBA franchise. We also not only have a great football league but live in close enough proximity that we can enjoy your American version of football and get every game live on television also.
It goes far beyond what we have I’m afraid. You see, we have three sports networks. Amazingly your country really only has two. (ESPN and FSN; we as well as you refuse to acknowledge Fox Sports World, GOL TV and OLN as true sports networks) And while we both know that FSN is really only for local sports and the all of a sudden non-stop “Best Damn” countdowns, ESPN is something that unless you have an illegal satellite system, us Canadians have only heard and dreamed about.
I’m a law abiding citizen sir. I do enjoy aspects of Canadian sports programming. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t watch “The Score Tonight” every night of the week. That being said, you need to help us. You need to step in and save us from what is happening. I do not even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the “Premier” sports network in Canada. One called TSN (The Sports Network) and which coincidentally is partially owned by the juggernaut that is ESPN.
ESPN (and it’s family of networks; they never get tired of saying that)is by far the No 1 sports network in the U.S. And for good reason. They have a massive amount of original programming and dedicate every night to showing MLB games, college basketball and football games as well as a sports movie here and there. However, during the day the programming lineup is as dreadful as it is here. Non-stop yachting, darts, billiards and poker. It’s ok if you like that sort of thing. I myself like information and there’s one thing ESPN got right some time ago: They launched ESPNews which between the hours of noon and five broadcasts live, updated information regarding sports in any league. They also bring in various sports reporters to chat it up with the news anchors. Basically for five solid hours every afternoon, a sports fan can plop down and listen to in depth conversations regarding various sports leagues. That, sir, is where TSN goes wrong.
Why couldn’t TSN supplement the ESPNews coverage during the day? Surely that would be more interesting to watch than the “2007 Ladies 9ball championships” or the “2008 Worlds Strongest Man/Beer Guzzling” competition. ESPN owns a fifth of TSN, couldn’t they offer the simulcast to them? They changed the name of the flagship sports highlight show AND the logo of the network when they acquired them! Obviously ESPN has some clout. And why wouldn’t CTV (a mega million dollar television company who owns the other 80%) be open to such an idea? There is something to be said about the sports fan who would rather watch Extreme Fitness Challenge (even if they are “ladies”; I have yet to see any actual indications that they are female) over five glorious hours featuring in depth discussions with the likes of Peter Gammons, Andy Katz, Sports Illustrated columnists and perhaps even NHL sports reporters like EJ Hradek and John Buccigross. (Hooray for Hakan-Hannakuh!)
Alas, that’s not even the tip of the iceburg sir. Much like FSN in the U.S, we also have our own “local oriented yet nation-wide” sports network: It’s also called Sportsnet. Rogers Sportsnet. Original I know. This “network” is useful for about six months of the year. Because Rogers owns the Toronto Blue Jays, over 120 games are broadcast on Sportsnet every year. However between October and March (inclusive) the network is totally un-watchable. In Western Canada they show lots of hockey games on Sportsnet West or Pacific featuring the Edmonton Oilers games and Vancouver Canucks but here in Ontario it is dead air from night to night. Nothing but poker and darts. This is a sports network? It would be one thing if the Ontario Sporstnet showed Toronto Maple Leaf games and Toronto Raptors games. However it only shows about 15 Leafs games and ZERO Raptors games this year. (More on that later) How can this go on?
Sportsnet is the second most useless sports network in the country and sadly, promotes itself as the most all around sports network. Our third network, a new up and coming network called “The Score”, which barely gets any license to show live sports events, shows no pro hockey and only two years ago got allowance to show Raptors games is far and beyond a more premier sports network than this one which is owned by the largest media conglomerate in the country. The programming being offered by this “network” is an embarrassment to Canadian television and has to be changed sir. You need to step in and help us sports fans create a sports network lineup that is conducive to what we want. We want coverage. We want live sports events. Most of all, we want something we can enjoy during all hours of the day and night. But that doesn’t compare to the latest sports network travesty. I’m sad to inform you that it gets worse. Much much worse.
Mr President elect, you need to step in and save us from the monster that is TSN2. It was launched right before the NFL season started and was supposed to be a second network devoted to sports and give us Canadians more sports coverage than we’d ever seen. We envisioned a world where Pardon the Interruption and Around the Horn would never be pre-empted for early round golf highlights (just turn over to TSN2!), a world where we’d get bonus live sporting events and where we’d be able to watch not one but two women’s bowling championships at the same time! (Could you imagine?) But that’s not what has transpired.
TSN2 is nothing but a “west coast” version of TSN. “The Deuce” in the US is a fully independent network which offers viewers different sports and different shows. “The Deux” (or DUH!) on the other hand timeshifts regular TSN programming and for 95% of the week is rendered a useless network; until it decides to put on an NHL or Toronto Raptors game. (TSN2 is showing almost a quarter of Toronto Raptors games this year) Then and only then is it worth watching; except that nobody in Ontario can get it.
This is the thing that aggravates the SportsOne most of all sir. In this country we have various cable and satellite systems. Rogers Cable is by far the No 1 source for television in Canada while Bell and a company called Star Choice (I’ve never actually met anyone with Star Choice so you will have to take my word on it) factor in a reasonable minority. Both of the two satellite systems carry this “network” but Rogers refuses to be bullied into making its customers pay a premium for a station that for 152 out of 168 hours a week is nothing more than a complete copy of a station we already have, and is owned by the good people at ESPN.
Rogers offers its customers something called the Super Sports Pack. It is unprecedented in television; even the mighty DirecTV nor Dish Network have anything like it. Basically, for a fee of $30 a month the viewer gets access to the respective sports packages of the NHL, NBA, MLB, NFL, OHL (it’s a junior hockey league, you wouldn’t be interested) as well as every college basketball and football game broadcast by the entire ESPN network. It’s a great deal and we sports fans up here love it. However, because Rogers does not offer TSN2 as part of its channel lineup the NHL and NBA games broadcast on this “network” are blacked out and we are unable to watch. That in itself is not a big deal. It’s TSN’s decision to put those games on its network and it’s Rogers decision to not offer the station on its channel lineup. The problem however is that TSN DOES NOT SEND ITS OWN PERSONNEL TO BROADCAST THESE GAMES! THEY SIMPLY SUPPLEMENT THE U.S. COVERAGE WHICH WOULD BE OTHERWISE AVAILABLE TO SUPER SPORTS PACK CUSTOMERS! That Mr. Obama, is absolute bullying.
They’re basically saying sir, “Hey Rogers customers, do you wanna watch the Penguins/Capitals game? Too bad, because your cable subscriber won’t let you”. They should be saying “Hey Rogers customers, do you wanna watch the Penguins/Captials game? Too bad, because we’ve hijacked the Rogers Super Sports Pack by supplementing coverage we don’t own, and making it so that even if you do purchase the Sports Pack for $30 a month it doesn’t matter. If you don’t like it blame your cable carrier, not us. We’ve done nothing wrong by trying to bilk people out of more money. We’ve done nothing wrong by launching a new network that shows time delayed programs you already get with your basic cable subscription. We’ve also done nothing wrong by marketing this network under the false pretence that it’s its own network and that by ordering it you will get more sports coverage than ever before when in actuality all you’ll get is the opportunity to see Michael Landsberg four times a day instead of two.”
For me sir, it’s one thing to launch a network and black out games for those who don’t order your channel, provided that you offer original programming. If TSN were sending its own crew to televise these games I would not have issue with it. If someone owns the MLB Ticket in the US but for some reason does not subscribe to ESPN they do not get the games ESPN covers, because ESPN owns the coverage and covers it themselves. But for TSN to broadcast Versus’ coverage of a hockey game, sell it as “their own network showing their own game” and black it out for Rogers Super Sports Pack subscribers who would other wise be entitled to watch said game as part of their $30 per month fee, that can not happen. It just can not.
So you see Mr President, between the horrible TSN2 saga, the useless network that is Rogers Sportsnet and the fact that TSN (despite being owned by ESPN AND having a “second” channel) can not do anything to make their afternoon schedules more interesting, we Canadians have hit a brick wall. Myself and my contemporaries have faith in you. You are a sports lover and I know it breaks your heart to hear of a country not unlike your own going without all the things you Americans take for granted. Help us sir. Please. With your help we can end this madness. We can end this never ending bombardment of darts, billiards, “jet obstacle course” races and (gulp!) women’s bowling. I don’t even have the stomach to let you in on what ESPN Classic Canada is all about. (Really? You’re showing us CFL games featuring the Las Vegas Posse? Can’t we just imagine that US expansion never happened and be done with it??) Please Mr Obama. Help your neighbours to the north. We’re behind you every step of the way. Yes we can. Yes we can.
Yours truly,
Adam Cole
The SportsOne
P.S. What do you think of these early week NFL picks? Not too shabby eh??
Colts (-6) vs JAGUARS
COWBOYS (-4) vs Ravens
You are about to become the most powerful man on earth. You have been elected to run the most important government in the world and with the help of your contemporaries around the globe have the opportunity to not only change things for the better, but also to rub out the constant threats of terror that have plagued western civilization for most of the last decade. You also have an opportunity to help your younger brothers become better equipped for life in the 21st century. You yourself are a sports fan. You stated last month before the election that if you could change one thing in the sporting world it would be to have an eight team playoff to determine the NCAA Football Champion. Mr Obama sir, myself and countless others in a foreign nation need your help too. We need your help to change the very structure of our own BCS situation. Mr President Elect: With your help and ours, we can together fix this atrocity. We can make the life of a Canadian sports fan no longer suck.
Don’t get me wrong. The sports scene here is pretty good actually. We have six teams in the league dedicated to the greatest game on earth. We also have a single baseball team and basketball team which captures the hearts of the nation; never more evident fifteen years ago when the baseball team won its second of back to back World Series titles and then later that fall it was announced that the same city would be getting its very own NBA franchise. We also not only have a great football league but live in close enough proximity that we can enjoy your American version of football and get every game live on television also.
It goes far beyond what we have I’m afraid. You see, we have three sports networks. Amazingly your country really only has two. (ESPN and FSN; we as well as you refuse to acknowledge Fox Sports World, GOL TV and OLN as true sports networks) And while we both know that FSN is really only for local sports and the all of a sudden non-stop “Best Damn” countdowns, ESPN is something that unless you have an illegal satellite system, us Canadians have only heard and dreamed about.
I’m a law abiding citizen sir. I do enjoy aspects of Canadian sports programming. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t watch “The Score Tonight” every night of the week. That being said, you need to help us. You need to step in and save us from what is happening. I do not even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the “Premier” sports network in Canada. One called TSN (The Sports Network) and which coincidentally is partially owned by the juggernaut that is ESPN.
ESPN (and it’s family of networks; they never get tired of saying that)is by far the No 1 sports network in the U.S. And for good reason. They have a massive amount of original programming and dedicate every night to showing MLB games, college basketball and football games as well as a sports movie here and there. However, during the day the programming lineup is as dreadful as it is here. Non-stop yachting, darts, billiards and poker. It’s ok if you like that sort of thing. I myself like information and there’s one thing ESPN got right some time ago: They launched ESPNews which between the hours of noon and five broadcasts live, updated information regarding sports in any league. They also bring in various sports reporters to chat it up with the news anchors. Basically for five solid hours every afternoon, a sports fan can plop down and listen to in depth conversations regarding various sports leagues. That, sir, is where TSN goes wrong.
Why couldn’t TSN supplement the ESPNews coverage during the day? Surely that would be more interesting to watch than the “2007 Ladies 9ball championships” or the “2008 Worlds Strongest Man/Beer Guzzling” competition. ESPN owns a fifth of TSN, couldn’t they offer the simulcast to them? They changed the name of the flagship sports highlight show AND the logo of the network when they acquired them! Obviously ESPN has some clout. And why wouldn’t CTV (a mega million dollar television company who owns the other 80%) be open to such an idea? There is something to be said about the sports fan who would rather watch Extreme Fitness Challenge (even if they are “ladies”; I have yet to see any actual indications that they are female) over five glorious hours featuring in depth discussions with the likes of Peter Gammons, Andy Katz, Sports Illustrated columnists and perhaps even NHL sports reporters like EJ Hradek and John Buccigross. (Hooray for Hakan-Hannakuh!)
Alas, that’s not even the tip of the iceburg sir. Much like FSN in the U.S, we also have our own “local oriented yet nation-wide” sports network: It’s also called Sportsnet. Rogers Sportsnet. Original I know. This “network” is useful for about six months of the year. Because Rogers owns the Toronto Blue Jays, over 120 games are broadcast on Sportsnet every year. However between October and March (inclusive) the network is totally un-watchable. In Western Canada they show lots of hockey games on Sportsnet West or Pacific featuring the Edmonton Oilers games and Vancouver Canucks but here in Ontario it is dead air from night to night. Nothing but poker and darts. This is a sports network? It would be one thing if the Ontario Sporstnet showed Toronto Maple Leaf games and Toronto Raptors games. However it only shows about 15 Leafs games and ZERO Raptors games this year. (More on that later) How can this go on?
Sportsnet is the second most useless sports network in the country and sadly, promotes itself as the most all around sports network. Our third network, a new up and coming network called “The Score”, which barely gets any license to show live sports events, shows no pro hockey and only two years ago got allowance to show Raptors games is far and beyond a more premier sports network than this one which is owned by the largest media conglomerate in the country. The programming being offered by this “network” is an embarrassment to Canadian television and has to be changed sir. You need to step in and help us sports fans create a sports network lineup that is conducive to what we want. We want coverage. We want live sports events. Most of all, we want something we can enjoy during all hours of the day and night. But that doesn’t compare to the latest sports network travesty. I’m sad to inform you that it gets worse. Much much worse.
Mr President elect, you need to step in and save us from the monster that is TSN2. It was launched right before the NFL season started and was supposed to be a second network devoted to sports and give us Canadians more sports coverage than we’d ever seen. We envisioned a world where Pardon the Interruption and Around the Horn would never be pre-empted for early round golf highlights (just turn over to TSN2!), a world where we’d get bonus live sporting events and where we’d be able to watch not one but two women’s bowling championships at the same time! (Could you imagine?) But that’s not what has transpired.
TSN2 is nothing but a “west coast” version of TSN. “The Deuce” in the US is a fully independent network which offers viewers different sports and different shows. “The Deux” (or DUH!) on the other hand timeshifts regular TSN programming and for 95% of the week is rendered a useless network; until it decides to put on an NHL or Toronto Raptors game. (TSN2 is showing almost a quarter of Toronto Raptors games this year) Then and only then is it worth watching; except that nobody in Ontario can get it.
This is the thing that aggravates the SportsOne most of all sir. In this country we have various cable and satellite systems. Rogers Cable is by far the No 1 source for television in Canada while Bell and a company called Star Choice (I’ve never actually met anyone with Star Choice so you will have to take my word on it) factor in a reasonable minority. Both of the two satellite systems carry this “network” but Rogers refuses to be bullied into making its customers pay a premium for a station that for 152 out of 168 hours a week is nothing more than a complete copy of a station we already have, and is owned by the good people at ESPN.
Rogers offers its customers something called the Super Sports Pack. It is unprecedented in television; even the mighty DirecTV nor Dish Network have anything like it. Basically, for a fee of $30 a month the viewer gets access to the respective sports packages of the NHL, NBA, MLB, NFL, OHL (it’s a junior hockey league, you wouldn’t be interested) as well as every college basketball and football game broadcast by the entire ESPN network. It’s a great deal and we sports fans up here love it. However, because Rogers does not offer TSN2 as part of its channel lineup the NHL and NBA games broadcast on this “network” are blacked out and we are unable to watch. That in itself is not a big deal. It’s TSN’s decision to put those games on its network and it’s Rogers decision to not offer the station on its channel lineup. The problem however is that TSN DOES NOT SEND ITS OWN PERSONNEL TO BROADCAST THESE GAMES! THEY SIMPLY SUPPLEMENT THE U.S. COVERAGE WHICH WOULD BE OTHERWISE AVAILABLE TO SUPER SPORTS PACK CUSTOMERS! That Mr. Obama, is absolute bullying.
They’re basically saying sir, “Hey Rogers customers, do you wanna watch the Penguins/Capitals game? Too bad, because your cable subscriber won’t let you”. They should be saying “Hey Rogers customers, do you wanna watch the Penguins/Captials game? Too bad, because we’ve hijacked the Rogers Super Sports Pack by supplementing coverage we don’t own, and making it so that even if you do purchase the Sports Pack for $30 a month it doesn’t matter. If you don’t like it blame your cable carrier, not us. We’ve done nothing wrong by trying to bilk people out of more money. We’ve done nothing wrong by launching a new network that shows time delayed programs you already get with your basic cable subscription. We’ve also done nothing wrong by marketing this network under the false pretence that it’s its own network and that by ordering it you will get more sports coverage than ever before when in actuality all you’ll get is the opportunity to see Michael Landsberg four times a day instead of two.”
For me sir, it’s one thing to launch a network and black out games for those who don’t order your channel, provided that you offer original programming. If TSN were sending its own crew to televise these games I would not have issue with it. If someone owns the MLB Ticket in the US but for some reason does not subscribe to ESPN they do not get the games ESPN covers, because ESPN owns the coverage and covers it themselves. But for TSN to broadcast Versus’ coverage of a hockey game, sell it as “their own network showing their own game” and black it out for Rogers Super Sports Pack subscribers who would other wise be entitled to watch said game as part of their $30 per month fee, that can not happen. It just can not.
So you see Mr President, between the horrible TSN2 saga, the useless network that is Rogers Sportsnet and the fact that TSN (despite being owned by ESPN AND having a “second” channel) can not do anything to make their afternoon schedules more interesting, we Canadians have hit a brick wall. Myself and my contemporaries have faith in you. You are a sports lover and I know it breaks your heart to hear of a country not unlike your own going without all the things you Americans take for granted. Help us sir. Please. With your help we can end this madness. We can end this never ending bombardment of darts, billiards, “jet obstacle course” races and (gulp!) women’s bowling. I don’t even have the stomach to let you in on what ESPN Classic Canada is all about. (Really? You’re showing us CFL games featuring the Las Vegas Posse? Can’t we just imagine that US expansion never happened and be done with it??) Please Mr Obama. Help your neighbours to the north. We’re behind you every step of the way. Yes we can. Yes we can.
Yours truly,
Adam Cole
The SportsOne
P.S. What do you think of these early week NFL picks? Not too shabby eh??
Colts (-6) vs JAGUARS
COWBOYS (-4) vs Ravens
Saturday, December 13, 2008
NFL Week 15!
We’re officially in crunch time. Only two weeks after this and still plenty to figure out, including playoff spots, draft picks and the immortal question of who is fatter: Romeo Crennel or Andy Reid. “Christmas is coming, the coach is getting fat….” Here are some thoughts for week 15.
JAGUARS (+2) vs Packers
The most disappointing team in the NFL this season vs the most disappointing team in the second half. Although the Jags quit a few weeks ago, they’ll show up this week. What am I basing that on you ask? Two things, and they’re both the same: Absolutely nothing. Also, a moment of silence for Fred Taylor who was placed on IR and is probably done for his career. Thank you.
COLTS (-17) vs Lions
Well that was fun. The Lions almost vindicated me by winning last week against Minny. This week they’re looking 0-14 in the face. That “Matt Millen Firing Party!” thing seems like eons ago doesn’t it? On the other side, Manning and company seem like they’ve gotten things together. Looking very scary indeed, although they couldn’t play in Cleveland two weeks ago and beat up a horrid Bengals team last week. They’re like that girl you meet at a frat party who says she’s 19 and taking Sociology but you’re positive she’s lying and only 16 and even though for a split second you figure it doesn’t matter you ultimately decide you need more info. I think we need more info on the Colts. That being said, we won’t get it until they’re destroying my Broncos in Denver during Wild Card week. (Cue MSN frowny face)
BENGALS (+7) vs Redskins
The Bengals are bad. The ‘Skins are bad at covering the spread. ‘Skins win but not by a touchdown. Meanwhile, while watching Basketball Diaries on the other night, I decided if you’re going to have a movie made about you, you want Leonardo DiCaprio to portray you. Think about it. You get a great actor and let’s face it, um, you could do a lot worse than him. (Right girls?) With my luck, the SportsOne would be played by Rob Schneider.
FALCONS (-3) vs Bucs
This is the huge early game this week. The ‘Cons (that works doesn’t it?) will not go away and as everyone has been saying, the NFC South teams do not lose at home. The Bucs’ defence is in peril after that beat down in Carolina on Monday night. Atlanta keeps its playoff hopes alive with another win. While we’re on the subject of playoffs, (Playoffs??!!) remember back in September when everyone was talking about the NFC East as the sure fire 3 team playoff division? Come to mid December, and the NFC SOUTH looks like it might get 3 playoff teams. Who knew? (Random NHL note: Is it OK to start calling Mikail Grabovsky “Borchevsky 2.0”? Can we get a ruling?)
49ers (+6.5) vs DOLPHINS
You almost get the feeling the Vegas guys are making these lines based on the way the Dolphins played the previous week, not on how good Miami actually is. That being said, the 49ers are playing inspired football now (see girls? This is why us guys are trying to get our pants off all the time. It inspires people) and dare I say it, they seem to have an actual capable QB at the helm. Miami needs this game more the San Fran does obviously, but don’t be surprised if the Niners keep it close, or make off with a win.
RAMS (+2.5) vs Seahawks
Have we ever had 2-11 vs 2-11? Someone call Elias on this one, please! Both of these teams needn’t be discussed. Hopefully Fox is sending interns to call this game. Or maybe they’ll just send cameras and the TV fans in St. Louis and Seattle will just get video and be forced to imagine what would be being said like when CBC was on strike a few years ago. Oh and also, there is NO excuse to punt in this game, I don’t care what the circumstances are. (4th and 19 from the 4? What the hell, air it out!!! 4th and goal from the 5? Sounds like a double reverse to me!) Why can’t Andy Reid do an emergency coach job for this game?
JETS (-7.5) vs Bills
The Bills are hopefully enjoying the money the late Ted Rogers gave them for playing eight games in Toronto over the next five years. (Let us never speak of the short cut again) The single biggest problem with the whole experiment is that I know a ton of NFL fans and not one of them follows Buffalo. This whole thing is doomed if the next game isn’t Buffalo vs Dallas. Although it was fitting that the SkyDome (remember, I refuse to call it “that name”) was as silent as a funeral, which it was for the Bills. Meanwhile, the Brett Favre Madden curse has begun. You just wait. Ooo.
Titans (-3) vs TEXANS
I refuse to believe in this Houston team. They beat a garbage Jax team at home and then went into Green Bay and snuck out with a win against a team that has underachieved in this second half like no other. That being said, Tennessee is for real and can clinch home field throughout the playoffs with a win and a Steeler loss. It happens this week.
RAVENS (-3) vs Steelers
This has garbage game written all over it. The over/under is 34.5 but I swear they could’ve put it at 19.5 and people would say to themselves “you know, that’s low….but I really could see this game being 10-7”. The Ravens have over achieved all season and I see no reason why they won’t continue to do so. The question remains however: Why does every game Baltimore plays have a “garbage game” stigma attached to it?
PANTHERS (-7) vs Broncos
I love my Denver Broncos. That being said, they’re about to get pummelled. The title of “Denver Broncos RB” has turned into a real life “Spinal Tap Drummer” has it not? No spontaneous combustions though, as of yet anyways. On a side note, can’t we all just get along? The Titans two running backs had the “Smash & Dash” nickname first. Can’t we just call the Panther duo “Punch & Pie”? Or “Load & Shoot?” or my personal favourite “Pass & Gas?”
CARDINALS (-3) vs Vikings
Tavaris Jackon (remember him? From weeks 1 & 2?) gets the start for Minnesota. Just what the Vikings fans want: The unstable, second year QB who couldn’t get it done in September starting in a “need to stay ahead of Chicago” game in December in Glendale. Cardinals never lose at home. Jackson never wins.
RAIDERS (+7) vs Patriots
New England didn’t look great last week in Seattle. Oakland never looks good (unless they’re playing my Broncos. Ladies and gentlemen your 2008 Denver Broncos, making the Raiders and Chiefs look great! [cue MSN “WTF” face…well there should be a WTF face!]) however New England stayed on the west coast this week, presumably to engage in drinks and strippers with Tom Brady who’s been on the west coast for a few weeks now. (Wouldn’t you be?) Oakland for some reason keeps it close. Meanwhile Raiders fans prepare the 5 mile migration to San Francisco.
COWBOYS (-3) vs Giants
Giants without Brandon Jacobs + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + a really great week 16 game between the Panthers and Giants for home field advantage in the NFC Playoffs at stake if the Giants lose and the Panthers win + Cowboys playing at home = Dallas wins 24-17 or something like that. Oh and I also just realized we’re a few months away from a potential real life “The Longest Yard” featuring inmates Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress and coached by OJ Simpson! ABC would HAVE to at least send Brent Mushberger for that!
Browns (+14) vs EAGLES
I remember when the Monday night game used to matter. The Browns are awful. The Eagles are not as good as they’ve been the last two weeks. I mean, they tied at Cincy? That counts for something right? Maybe? I don’t know what I’m doin.
This Week: 0-0-1
Last Week: 10-6
Season: 109-97-6
JAGUARS (+2) vs Packers
The most disappointing team in the NFL this season vs the most disappointing team in the second half. Although the Jags quit a few weeks ago, they’ll show up this week. What am I basing that on you ask? Two things, and they’re both the same: Absolutely nothing. Also, a moment of silence for Fred Taylor who was placed on IR and is probably done for his career. Thank you.
COLTS (-17) vs Lions
Well that was fun. The Lions almost vindicated me by winning last week against Minny. This week they’re looking 0-14 in the face. That “Matt Millen Firing Party!” thing seems like eons ago doesn’t it? On the other side, Manning and company seem like they’ve gotten things together. Looking very scary indeed, although they couldn’t play in Cleveland two weeks ago and beat up a horrid Bengals team last week. They’re like that girl you meet at a frat party who says she’s 19 and taking Sociology but you’re positive she’s lying and only 16 and even though for a split second you figure it doesn’t matter you ultimately decide you need more info. I think we need more info on the Colts. That being said, we won’t get it until they’re destroying my Broncos in Denver during Wild Card week. (Cue MSN frowny face)
BENGALS (+7) vs Redskins
The Bengals are bad. The ‘Skins are bad at covering the spread. ‘Skins win but not by a touchdown. Meanwhile, while watching Basketball Diaries on the other night, I decided if you’re going to have a movie made about you, you want Leonardo DiCaprio to portray you. Think about it. You get a great actor and let’s face it, um, you could do a lot worse than him. (Right girls?) With my luck, the SportsOne would be played by Rob Schneider.
FALCONS (-3) vs Bucs
This is the huge early game this week. The ‘Cons (that works doesn’t it?) will not go away and as everyone has been saying, the NFC South teams do not lose at home. The Bucs’ defence is in peril after that beat down in Carolina on Monday night. Atlanta keeps its playoff hopes alive with another win. While we’re on the subject of playoffs, (Playoffs??!!) remember back in September when everyone was talking about the NFC East as the sure fire 3 team playoff division? Come to mid December, and the NFC SOUTH looks like it might get 3 playoff teams. Who knew? (Random NHL note: Is it OK to start calling Mikail Grabovsky “Borchevsky 2.0”? Can we get a ruling?)
49ers (+6.5) vs DOLPHINS
You almost get the feeling the Vegas guys are making these lines based on the way the Dolphins played the previous week, not on how good Miami actually is. That being said, the 49ers are playing inspired football now (see girls? This is why us guys are trying to get our pants off all the time. It inspires people) and dare I say it, they seem to have an actual capable QB at the helm. Miami needs this game more the San Fran does obviously, but don’t be surprised if the Niners keep it close, or make off with a win.
RAMS (+2.5) vs Seahawks
Have we ever had 2-11 vs 2-11? Someone call Elias on this one, please! Both of these teams needn’t be discussed. Hopefully Fox is sending interns to call this game. Or maybe they’ll just send cameras and the TV fans in St. Louis and Seattle will just get video and be forced to imagine what would be being said like when CBC was on strike a few years ago. Oh and also, there is NO excuse to punt in this game, I don’t care what the circumstances are. (4th and 19 from the 4? What the hell, air it out!!! 4th and goal from the 5? Sounds like a double reverse to me!) Why can’t Andy Reid do an emergency coach job for this game?
JETS (-7.5) vs Bills
The Bills are hopefully enjoying the money the late Ted Rogers gave them for playing eight games in Toronto over the next five years. (Let us never speak of the short cut again) The single biggest problem with the whole experiment is that I know a ton of NFL fans and not one of them follows Buffalo. This whole thing is doomed if the next game isn’t Buffalo vs Dallas. Although it was fitting that the SkyDome (remember, I refuse to call it “that name”) was as silent as a funeral, which it was for the Bills. Meanwhile, the Brett Favre Madden curse has begun. You just wait. Ooo.
Titans (-3) vs TEXANS
I refuse to believe in this Houston team. They beat a garbage Jax team at home and then went into Green Bay and snuck out with a win against a team that has underachieved in this second half like no other. That being said, Tennessee is for real and can clinch home field throughout the playoffs with a win and a Steeler loss. It happens this week.
RAVENS (-3) vs Steelers
This has garbage game written all over it. The over/under is 34.5 but I swear they could’ve put it at 19.5 and people would say to themselves “you know, that’s low….but I really could see this game being 10-7”. The Ravens have over achieved all season and I see no reason why they won’t continue to do so. The question remains however: Why does every game Baltimore plays have a “garbage game” stigma attached to it?
PANTHERS (-7) vs Broncos
I love my Denver Broncos. That being said, they’re about to get pummelled. The title of “Denver Broncos RB” has turned into a real life “Spinal Tap Drummer” has it not? No spontaneous combustions though, as of yet anyways. On a side note, can’t we all just get along? The Titans two running backs had the “Smash & Dash” nickname first. Can’t we just call the Panther duo “Punch & Pie”? Or “Load & Shoot?” or my personal favourite “Pass & Gas?”
CARDINALS (-3) vs Vikings
Tavaris Jackon (remember him? From weeks 1 & 2?) gets the start for Minnesota. Just what the Vikings fans want: The unstable, second year QB who couldn’t get it done in September starting in a “need to stay ahead of Chicago” game in December in Glendale. Cardinals never lose at home. Jackson never wins.
RAIDERS (+7) vs Patriots
New England didn’t look great last week in Seattle. Oakland never looks good (unless they’re playing my Broncos. Ladies and gentlemen your 2008 Denver Broncos, making the Raiders and Chiefs look great! [cue MSN “WTF” face…well there should be a WTF face!]) however New England stayed on the west coast this week, presumably to engage in drinks and strippers with Tom Brady who’s been on the west coast for a few weeks now. (Wouldn’t you be?) Oakland for some reason keeps it close. Meanwhile Raiders fans prepare the 5 mile migration to San Francisco.
COWBOYS (-3) vs Giants
Giants without Brandon Jacobs + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + a really great week 16 game between the Panthers and Giants for home field advantage in the NFC Playoffs at stake if the Giants lose and the Panthers win + Cowboys playing at home = Dallas wins 24-17 or something like that. Oh and I also just realized we’re a few months away from a potential real life “The Longest Yard” featuring inmates Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress and coached by OJ Simpson! ABC would HAVE to at least send Brent Mushberger for that!
Browns (+14) vs EAGLES
I remember when the Monday night game used to matter. The Browns are awful. The Eagles are not as good as they’ve been the last two weeks. I mean, they tied at Cincy? That counts for something right? Maybe? I don’t know what I’m doin.
This Week: 0-0-1
Last Week: 10-6
Season: 109-97-6
Friday, December 5, 2008
Goodbye Mr Mitchell! And the "What if?" game!
Well, goodbye to the Sam Mitchell era in
It’s been a garbage season so far. Things started out fine, then the Raptors forgot that they can’t play defence so they lost a few games in a row. Now they’re out west where they’re 14-112 all time (Can you believe that? 98 games below .500! That’s a fact) and coming off of a 39 point loss to
Mitchell won Coach of the Year just two seasons ago for guiding the Raptors to the division crown before losing to Vince Carter and the Nets in the first round. Last season, a meagre .500 record and another first round defeat. This season they’re still hovering around the .500 mark and entering
What if the Raptors had fired Mitchell last May, and put in a bid to win Mike D’Antoni?
Could you imagine? All of a sudden the Raptors have a coach who is a proven winner (you can’t throw the Spurs in my face here, there is only one team remotely like them in the East and that’s Detroit, and they’re on the way down) plus a lineup that wants to run and gun led by a point guard who wants nothing more than to BE Steve Nash! D’Antoni would be perfect for the Raptors lineup. Think about it. They have one of the most agile big men in the league (Chris Bosh) plus one of the best set up men in the league (Jose Calderon) and they also have energy in the SF and SG positions. You’re telling me this team couldn’t play D’Antoni’s style and win against everyone in the East save for probably the Pistons (too much like the Spurs, defensive and heavy in front) and the Celtics (easily the most talented complete team in the East)?
The Raps tried the “7 seconds or less” offence a couple years ago and it failed horribly. The reason: They didn’t have the right guy leading the offence. Calderon is the ultimate pass first NBA point guard. The biggest difference between him and Chris Paul is that while Paul has the ability to take over a game here and there; Calderon is forever in debt to his team mates. Think of Isaiah Thomas and Steve Nash. Nash is great at making everyone better and distributing the ball (Calderon); Thomas was simply amazing (Paul). With that in mind, Calderon would relish the opportunity to run the kind of offence D’Antoni likes and while this is being wasted in
What if Jorge Garbojosa never got injured?
This is a huge x factor for the Raptors. Garbo was a major contributor in ’06-’07 and was poised to become the ultimate 6th guy on the team. He wasn’t good enough to start (even though he did often, but coming off the bench in a Manu Ginobli type way would have better suited his style) , but he could chip in with a 9/3/2 every game plus he was far and away the best defender on the court. We can only guess as to what this team might have done had their second best forward not suffered a career ending (NBA anyway) injury.
What if they never traded Charlie V to
What if the powers that be could have seen ahead and known that Jose Calderon would be the beast he has become? How much better off would
What if they had not wasted a draft pick on Rafael Araujo?
It’s a thought that goes through the mind of Raptors fans every week. With the 8th pick in the 2004 Draft Rob Babcock (to think, at one time we had both him AND JFJ running things here!) picked the Brazilian who is now out of the league and possibly making porn in Austria. Every time I have a conversation with buddies or colleagues they point to the fact that Andre Igoudala was still on the board. “Man, imagine how stacked our team would be with him on it now? It’d be crazy!” True, but there’s no way the Raptors would’ve wanted to pay Bosh, Igoudala and then keep Calderon at the same time. Igoudala is good, but he’s not great. Calderon has the potential to be a Top 3 point guard in the league. Right now probably only Chris Paul and Steve Nash are better. As anyone will tell you, with a few exceptions, a great point guard always trumps a good shooting guard.
Just imagine though if the Raptors had addressed their desire to give Bosh a great player down low by drafting Andris Beidrins. If
Ok, I’m done now. But that 2004 Draft severely crippled this team. It’s too bad, because if Bosh walks in a year and a half, the Raptors are in the same boat as
Hey there’s a Thursday night football game this week too.
Raiders (+9.5) vs CHARGERS
Worst. Thursday night game. Ever.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
NHL Quarterly Report plus Garbage Thanksgiving NFL Games!
Well we’re officially a quarter of the way through the season and seeing as some teams are already out of it (that means you Dallas) I figured it was a good time to bring back the SportsOne power rankings!
HAROLD BALLARD DIVISION
30.
Mike Modano has to be added to the trade list soon doesn’t he? And what happened to Marty Turco? He’s throwing his 2010 Canadian Olympic spot away isn’t he? I can’t stop asking questions!
29.
It’s hard to remember a time when the Panthers weren’t in this division. Thomas Vokun is wishing he hadn’t taken the money right about now. Oh and the Wade Belak trade is looking pretty good for
28.
This team is here because not only are they bad but they’re much much worse than anyone thought they’d be. The teams of the future need to look at the Sens and the Lightning for how NOT to do things in the new salary cap era. You can’t compete when you have a substantial bulk of your money invested in three players. You also can’t compete when your goalie appears drunk in net.
27.
If Ilya Kovalchuk was from
JOHN
26.
So, we’ve fired our coach, set our No 1 draft pick back a few months and underachieve night in and night out. We can build on this!! The gambling itch for Rick Tocchet has to be climbing doesn’t it? If there was anyone in
25.
Thank the Lord! We’ve finally reached the “Colorado Avalanche are horrid” era. Sorry Stewart but you’ve had a lot of years, it’s over. Patrick Roy isn’t walking through that door! Peter Forsburg isn’t walking through that door! (We don’t think) Claude Lemieux isn’t walking through that door! (Again, we don’t think)
CRASH LANDING
24.
23.
These two teams were supposed to be much better this year. The Oilers in their defence have played a huge number of road games already so their record is a little skewed. The Coyotes have the worst PP and 4th worst PK in the league so they’re a little screwed (See? It’s all part of a plan!)
UP AND ATOM!
22.
We are about to enter the Brian Burke era in
thought possible coming in. They’ve lost four straight and teams are beginning to not let the Leafs out-work them. What to do about the goaltending problem however. CuJo can’t do it. Only time will tell. Vesa Toskala, it’s
21.
The Kings are improving. Patrick O’Sullivan is turning into a great compliment to Kopitar and you know they’re going to get another lottery pick this summer and they have tons of cap room so they might even be able to lure a high profile free agent. That being said, they’ve played almost the complete opposite schedule as
20.
Let’s put it this way: Things cannot get any worse for the fishermen, er, Islanders. Rick DiPetro still isn’t a franchise goalie, but oh well. Sometimes your rookie GM blows those 15 year signings you know? They’ve won some games here and there though as Doug Weight continues to show no signs of pushing 50. At least Charles Wang hasn’t attempted to bring in his own people yet. Somewhere Jim Paek’s son is hopeful. (Speaking of which, Jim Paek HAS to be in the running for the “Guys who turned up in NHL ’94 yet we never saw them play a single shift” award. I also nominate Link Gaetz and Ed Ronan.)
19.
Speaking of teams who have managed to win a few here and there, the Blue Jackets are hanging among the 8 and 9 teams in the uber competitive Western Conference. Rick Nash has cooled off a bit but it hasn’t mattered as the team is playing great defence and seems to have a goalie controversy on their hands. Look for Pascal LeClaire to be dangled at the trade deadline. Things might finally be looking on the up and up in
GROWING PAINS
17.
16.
The Blues are a young team, the Devils are getting used to life without winning, I mean without Martin Brodeur and the Sabres are back to earth following that torrid start. I see all of these teams being in the playoff hunt come February with the Blues dropping out before March. The Devils will get their franchise back and come April will be once again playing to half empty playoff crowds. Meanwhile, if the Sabres fail to make the postseason, how much would it cost to get Rick Jeanneret to come to CBC and call games as the 3rd team? Whatever it is, they should pay it. He’s the Gus Johnson of the NHL.
UN-IMPORTANT ALLSTARS
15.
14.
Two grapes? Who cares.
YOU HEAR THAT? HE WAS GETTIN’ THERE!
13.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with Carl’s line in Dazed and Confused, I cast thee out! The Flames have shown signs of being an elite team this year, yet also have played horrible on occasion. They’re a good bet to make the playoffs still, yet I can’t see them winning a series unless they manage to put a few winning streaks together.
12.
11.
Both of these teams were slow out of the gate but have seemed to put themselves together, especially the Flyers. If either of these teams learn how to play at home, watch out for them. Daniel Briere is the new Theo Fleury, without the toughness or booze. That being said, I hate the Ducks.
WAIT UNTIL WE GET SOMETHING FOR GABORIK
10.
Wait until he comes back, they trade him and get something good for him. Just wait. The best fans in the
FUN HOUSE
9.
8.
7.
There are no “more fun” teams to watch in the entire league than these three. They score at will (like porn), have
great exciting youngsters (like porn) and the Pens and Caps are loaded with Russians (like good porn). That being said, Ovechkin has turned into a madman the last few weeks. He went though a few games without any points as he clearly had other things on his mind (death in the family) but now he’s back to snatch the team scoring lead from Alexander Semin. Crosby and Malkin continue to rack up points as well. If
NEAR BEER
6.
The Canucks vaulted into the “almost contenders” category after going into
5.
Milan Lucic is the new Cam Neely. Sort of. He can’t score like Neely and will never be remembered for his portrayal of a seedy jerk at a diner like Neely (can I get a “kick his ass Seabass”?) but he hits like him and has turned into a fan favourite. Enough has been made about Tim Thomas being left off the All Star Ballot. I don’t get why people care so much. The NHL starters play the first 45 seconds, and then most of the time the coach jumbles the lines for the rest of the game anyway. Plus, I would rather be the goalie for the 3rd period than the first. Bruins fans needn’t cry. Thomas will be in the All Star game. They’ve shown they can beat the Habs, so by January they could be in the next category.
4.
After a crazy start the Rangers are only
FAVORITES
3.
The Wings were No 2 until they got manhandled by the Habs (Canadiens is too long to type) on Wednesday night. They’re still a lock to win their division and with all the leadership on the team almost a lock to play in the West finals. Say what you want about the Maple Leafs, the Wings are the most fun team to hate in the league. It’s always a plus when they’re good. Niklas Lidstrom is turning into the Greg Maddux of hockey. Much like Maddux, I have a feeling he’s going to win Norris Trophy’s until he retires just because he’s Nik Lidstrom. (Seriously, I want video evidence that shows Maddux had a better fielding year than anyone else in the NL! Sorry, random MLB rant)
2.
Les Habitants moved into the No 2 position with their win over the Red Wings in
1.
They’re unbeaten at home, they have a balanced team and great goaltending. They’re leading goal scorer who looks half Japanese and sounds Italian. How’s that for a global village. Also, it was during the Sharks-Hawks game which I saw the greatest NHL commercial ever. So, yeah I'm sold on the Sharks so far.
It’s also week 13 of the NFL season, Thanksgiving Day in the
Titans (-11) vs LIONS
Thanks to Bretty and the Jets (not bad eh?) we are robbed of an 11-0 vs 0-11 match up that would have rivalled any game involving the York football team this year. (They’re also called the Lions, and just for the record if I had to work at a school whose football team was as bad as that I’d be on strike too.) Now we get 10-1 vs 0-11 and the spread is 11 which begs the question as to how much it would be if the Titans had a potent offence? Take last years Pats and put them in this game, what is the line? 25? 30? Would they even allow betting on this game? These are the kinds of things you ponder after doing 5,500 worth of history and geography essays in the last two days.
COWBOYS (-13.5) vs Seahawks
Ah another garbage Thanksgiving Day game. Really, I can see the Tennessee-Detroit game being seen as marginally okay last spring when the schedule came out but
Cardinals (+3) vs EAGLES
The Eagles are in full fledged nuclear bomb mode. The coach doesn’t have faith in the quarterback, the quarterback doesn’t have faith in the running game and nobody has faith in the coach. When I heard Donovan McNabb got benched for the second half of the game in
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Mid Morning TV at it's Best! Running Diary...
Some people have asked me why I only write about Sports. Well, you gotta write what you know. Today however, let’s try something different. I woke up at 8:18am and couldn’t get back to sleep and decided I’d check out some mid morning TV for the first time in years. There’s not as much on as there used to be but still I found some things to keep me busy for a few hours. Here’s what transpired:
9:01am – First show: Live with Regis and Kelly Lee! Just so we’re all on the same page here, this is the Regis robot I’m watching right? He’s actually dead and this is the replacement right?? He looks exactly the same as he did 15 years ago the last time I was awake to watch this show. Kelly Lee looks good too.
9:04 – Regis just showed a picture of the Bush’s and the Obama’s posing together with the caption “Welcome!” George looks like he’s about to throw up.
9:09 – They’re talking to a couple Army and Navy officers who are sitting in the audience because it’s Veterans (Remembrance) Day in the US today. Just a thought as the camera pans over the audience: When did they stop allowing men in to watch this show? It looks like Rosie got a hold of the audience director.
9:16 – You really have to hand it to Regis. He’s 140 years old, been in the business since the 60’s and now he has to sit here beside this dullard and pretend he’s interested in anything she has to say. You can just read his thoughts “OMG Stop! Nobody cares. Just sit there and look pretty. I really have to go to the bathroom. When’s the first commercial break? Damn this live show. My hip hurts.”
9:20 - Yes, they still do that contest where they call women at home and allow them to answer questions and get prizes. This leads to an uncomfortable moment when the woman mentions she has six children and Kelly (who else?) casually asks her “what else does your husband do?” Now Regis looks like he wants to vomit.
9:21 – Ladies and Gentlemen the Question! “On Monday’s show, in what 1983 movie did Regis and Kelly say Jeff Goldblum starred in?” The answer given by the woman: Jurassic Park. Ahhhh too bad! The real answer: The Big Chill. Certainly anyone Regis’ age would’ve gotten that one!! On the minus side yesterday I could’ve seen Kelly ask someone what that movie is.
9:26 – Regis just said “this is Regis and Kelly do it week”. That CAN’T be what it sounds like can it? Did we finally find out why Kelly is on this show?
9:29 – Probably a good time to mention the show’s line up: First guest is Olympic Beach volleyball player and Dancing with the Stars contestant Misty May-Treanor. Next is Seal. Where on earth did they find Seal?? This must be the day where he doesn’t perform at kids birthday parties or bar mitzvahs.
9:31 – Apparently Misty was eliminated from DWTS because she got injured which leads to her to say she feels like she got hosed. “I want to be eliminated for sucking.” Fighting the urge.
9:36 – Oh, “Regis and Kelly Do-It Week” is where they go off and do things. That really didn’t explain it very well did it. Sorry, this is the first time I’ve seen 9:36am since high school. Is it too early for a drink?
9:37 – Kelly is going to dance with the NY Knicks cheerleaders for her “do-it” segment. I’m really hoping they’ll be dancing to the “Hell Yes” Gus Johnson montage from last week. On the plus side they’re using “Here Comes The Hotstepper” by Ini Kamoze as the intro music. Yes, I actually remembered Ini Kamoze. I’m having that drink.
9:39 – Kelly talks with the Knicks dance coordinator and has a conversation about what they’ll be doing. Kelly says “I’m not going to break a hip am I?” You just KNOW there’s footage of the coordinator saying “who are you, Regis?” in the outtakes somewhere! With that they all begin practicing the routine.
9:43 – Great shot of MSG custodial staff watching in the background.
9:46 – Brand new Leon’s commercial. Is there another store which has seen a decline in the value of their commercials than Leon’s? They used to be brilliant. Like the one where the old man sits at the kitchen table crying quietly while a glass of milk has been spilled, leading to a “Don’t cry over spilt milk. Leon’s No-Money Miracle has been extended!” How about the one where they audition people of various ethnicities to say “Ho Ho Ho!” for their “Ho Ho Hold the payments” thing they do every Christmas. These are the kind of rants I go on before noon.
9: 50 – Seal is on now. He is still the award holder for “Guy with the biggest facial disfigurement who somehow got a really really hot wife”. I still miss his Kid-N-Play hairstyle from 1994.
9:54 – They’re looking for a new theme song on Regis and Kelly and holding a contest where the winner will get to play it on the show and win $100K. Did we learn NOTHING from the Hockey Night in Canada debacle??
9:56 – Ooh there’s a new President’s Choice guy! He strangely looks like the illegitimate son of the old round guy they had, just younger and thinner. He obviously hasn’t developed a similar love for those “Decadent” cookies yet. Or developed his own beer.
9:58 – We’re in the part of the show where they do 15 seconds of show between 8 minutes of commercials. On the plus side, Miley Cyrus is going to fight Amy Winehouse on Thursday’s show!
10:00 – Well that’s done. I really don’t feel like I miss much being asleep at this time every morning. It’s 10 now and there’s only one thing on that remotely interests me and that’s because it’s the only show that was on the last time I was awake and watching TV at this hour. Get ready for an hour of what I hope will be lots and lots of “You are NOT the father!” Ladies and gentlement it’s time for Maury Povich!
10:03 – Slutty girls, deadbeat guys and a 60 year old man who is somehow on TV while the other pioneers of this dreck are in forced retirement. (We’ll get into that later) What more could you want?
10:05 – Someday they will have a show devoted to “Helping children cope with desires to kill their parents because they were on a ‘Not the father!’ Maury Povich show, hosted by Jaleel White.”
10:08 – According to the mother of the guy who is accused of being the father, “that girl sleeps with everybody even the tow truck driver.” Not him too!
10:09 – I just realized that this would be an amazing betting show. You could give odds, moneylines and everything! If only it wasn’t on at a ridiculous hour of the day.
10:10 – He IS the father! Shocking. Either way, the family is destroyed right? There’s no coming back from “You’re a ho and this can’t be my baby” right?
10:12 – I’m really tired of these “Rogers kids”. You know, the five friends who have all the Rogers phones and stuff? I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate a commercial character more than the Canadian Tire guy from a few years ago, but this blonde girl is really coming close. I hate her.
10:14 – Are you a 13, 14 or 15 year old girl who loves sex and doesn’t care what your parents say? If so, call! I’m going to put that ad on Craigslist and see how long it takes before Chris Hansen shows up at my house.
10:18 – Oh the plot thickens for this one. According to the guy, “the girl seduced me and it was supposed to be a one night stand only. Then she calls me up and says she’s pregnant.” If this was me, there would be drinks for everyone if I found out I wasn’t the father. I’m taking the “Not the father” on this one solely to see a massive celebration.
10:20 – The moment of truth: Not the father. He goes crazy and there’s the obligatory shot of the girl running off the stage in tears. See kids? Always use the pill and a condom! Or YOU just might end up on the Maury Povich show.
10:21 – The guy is still going crazy. Actual quote into the camera by him: “You want results?? 1-888-45-MAURY! This cat gets it done!” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
10:24 – I wonder how many of these father things they do on a show? Why even bother with the back stories? Just line up 40 couples and tell it to them one after another. I’m picking “Not the father” in this one too. Don’t ask me why, just a hunch.
10:26 – The dude just said he’ll stay and be there regardless if he’s the father or not. You can just see the girl’s face. Even SHE knows he’s not the father; it doesn’t look like she knows who IS the father though. You know how some girls just look like they’re easy? This girl has an “Easy (disambiguation)” page on Wikipedia.
10:27 – Not The Father! Two more lives destroyed with the help of Maury! I would just like to say at this point that before I said how Maury is still on TV but none of the other ones from the 90s made it past that decade. Why is that? What happened? Is it because his wife is a former CBS News anchor? I mean Sally Jessy is gone; Ricki is gone; Montell is gone; Geraldo decided to tackle politics instead; Jenny Jones fake breasts exploded; Donahue is gone; I can’t find Jerry Springer anywhere so maybe he’s gone too. We’re left with Maury and Steve Wilkos. (If you haven’t seen Steve Wilkos please do so. He was Springer’s old security guard. His show is like a tier below Jerry’s show, and we all thought that was impossible)
10:32 – Is your teenage daughter so out of control and wild that it’s destroying your life? If so, call! That’s going on Craigslist too. What a great way to pick up distraught low self image mothers. Chris Hansen can’t stop this train!
10:35 – Wow, both men here want to be the father. That’s new. There’s the one night stand guy and the serious relationship guy. I remember a bunch of years ago when they lined up six men and none of them were the father. Possibly the ultimate highlight.
10:38 – I’m picking the underdog in this one: The One-night stand as the father. It’s so much more fun when three lives are destroyed rather than two lives being saved isn’t it?
10:39 – and NEITHER of them is the father! A monumental upset! Who saw this coming? I want Maury to say HE’S the father now. How would Connie Chung handle that I wonder?
10:43 – Is your 13, 14 or 15 year old daughter physically violent towards you and it’s ruining your life? If so, call! Seriously, what’s up with the age stipulation? I mean, sure we all love 13, 14 and 15 year old girls….don’t we? Uh oh. Look like its back to jail for me. (Cue Tim Allen laugh)
10:45 – At first glance this woman on the show seems pretty together. She’s a little bit older (30+) and seems like an intelligent woman. Until she laughs and you can see a tongue ring. Really? A tongue ring? Is this 2002? Is there another piercing that has fallen so far in so little time? Just reeks of trailer trash. I would know! (Never mind, I wouldn’t know)
10:46 – I really think this guy might be the father, which would really infuriate the guys mom. I don’t know what to root for. I hate the guy’s mom, so I guess I’m rooting for that. What? They’re going to commercial before they reveal the details? Garbage. (Just for the record: I really REALLY want to be watching the day they find something where the girl doesn’t know the father, and present are the girl, the guy, the guy’s mom and dad and the girls best friend and it turns out that the guys DAD is the father! Someone call Steve Wilkos, we can make this happen! Yes we can! Yes we can!)
10:51 – Are you a female who likes sex and doesn’t care who you have it with? If so call! (Ok I made that one up. Don’t think that would fly on Craigslist, but worth a try!)
10:52 – He IS the father. I’m 4 for 5 today, with only that massive upset holding me back. There’s only eight minutes left, possibly time for more baby news!
10:55 – No more father updates. Too bad. I really wish Maury did a “last word” segment like Jerry used to do. You remember those serious soliloquies he would perform after all the outrageous stuff happened on his show? There’d be a show about KKK members who like sex with little black girls and he’d say something like “Just remember, we’re all different and we all need to be respected. My guests hopefully learned something today.” Maury doesn’t offer that. Too bad. What’s on at 11?
11:00 – Ok I found two shows here. One is the Price is Right (an 11am staple!) but I momentarily forgot that Bob Barker isn’t hosting anymore. I have yet to watch Drew Carey host this show and not sure how I feel about it, so I’ll be going between that and The View. I know what you’re thinking “The View? Really SportsOne? Why???” The answer: If you want unintentional comedy at its best, look no further than four women who plain hate each other. This promises to be fun.
11:01 – First of all, I love how they replaced big, fat, black Star Jones with big, fat, black Sherri Shepherd. The only difference? Sherri is massively more idiotic than anyone in the history of TV. A master stroke by Barbara Walters.
11:03 – Elisabeth Hasslebeck: The ultimate choice for “Girl who is mega hot until she opens her mouth and speaks. Then you just want to smack her”. I miss Survivor 2.
11:05 – Whoopie begins a discussion talking about the Bush/Obama meeting the day before. Can’t you just picture the introduction?
George W. Bush: Hey, you must be the new President elected.
Barack Obama: Yes I’m Barack Obama.
GB: Here let me show you around Buck.
BO: No, it’s Barack.
GB: Beck? Back? Boggle?
BO: No Barack.
GB: Oh ok The Rock. Let’s go.
11:09 – Just switched over to PIR. We’re 20 seconds in and Drew just made a fat joke about himself. Why can’t Colin Mocharie and Wayne Brady be on this show too? That would be fun. The only problem with PIR is that there’s a commercial every four minutes. Boo. Where’s that drink I ordered.
11:12 – YES! It’s another commercial featuring Busy’s dad from Ready or Not!! Is he the ultimate “That Guy!” in Canadian TV history?
11:13 – Back to The View: Today’s guest is Elton John. Say you want about him, but that’s pretty cool.
11:16 – There’s something about Whoopi Goldberg that makes her able to talk about sex without you becoming absolutely disgusted. If only Elisabeth would follow her footsteps. (C’mon, even SHE wouldn’t be able to screw that up would she?) Just a side note: Ballroom dancing should absolutely be in the Summer Olympics. I will always defend this position.
11:20 – Flipped over to PIR just in time to see the Showcase Showdown. Why do they even bother stating the rules anymore? Is there anyone in North America who doesn’t know if you go over $1.00 you lose? They have a new wheel though. It’s the same, but different if that makes any sense. On the minus side, there are no horribly old people spinning today. I miss the days when an Estelle Getty look-a-like couldn’t get the wheel all the way around and the audience would “Boo” her mercifully at the encouragement of Barker.
11:25 - The bids for a catamaran range from $1500 to $8000!? When did they stop giving away $400 clocks as prizes during the bidding round? The $8000 guy was only $5400 off! Next time!
11:27 – YES! It’s the Clock Game! The ONLY game where if you know how to do it, you WILL NOT LOSE! Let’s see if this woman knows what’s she’s doing. She has no idea. Oh well. Another time.
11:31 – There’s no men in the audience at The View either. Big surprise.
11:36 – Both shows are in commercial right now. No good commercials this morning. What happened to the commercials that spoke directly to old people? Where’s Wilford Brimley talking about “Dia-beet-us”? Where’s the “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” lady? Tears.
11:38 – PIR is back. They’re playing a game called “Pass the Buck”. Never heard of it. Where’s the yodelling mountain climber when you need him?
11:49 – (I know, eleven minutes since my last entry. The View is dead air right now) They have new a showcase set on PIR as well! Side note, one of the girl contestants looks very similar to the 3rd girl on Maury whose boyfriend wasn’t the father. Hmm. I’m gonna investigate this one.
11:51 – 1st showcase is an HD TV, new computer and a trailer. Sounds like a pass to me. And it is! Really, we need to get some odds for calling PIR. Uh oh, the second one opens with a new bedroom. This is never a good sign.
11:52 – Showcase #2 includes a massage table!? Don’t you love it when they give away prizes that nobody would ever want or use? “His and her Snowmobiles” is probably the most obvious of these.
11:57 – Girl #1 bid $21500 on the trailer showcase while girl #2 bid $16013(?) on the one with the bedroom set and hottub. I’m thinking girl #2 wins here, but we’ll find out in a minute.
11:58 – Girl #1 wins as the massage table was apparently $12000!!! Oh well, it’s almost noon and I’m totally ready to attempt to sleep again. Goodbye mid morning TV. See you in 2015!!
9:01am – First show: Live with Regis and Kelly Lee! Just so we’re all on the same page here, this is the Regis robot I’m watching right? He’s actually dead and this is the replacement right?? He looks exactly the same as he did 15 years ago the last time I was awake to watch this show. Kelly Lee looks good too.
9:04 – Regis just showed a picture of the Bush’s and the Obama’s posing together with the caption “Welcome!” George looks like he’s about to throw up.
9:09 – They’re talking to a couple Army and Navy officers who are sitting in the audience because it’s Veterans (Remembrance) Day in the US today. Just a thought as the camera pans over the audience: When did they stop allowing men in to watch this show? It looks like Rosie got a hold of the audience director.
9:16 – You really have to hand it to Regis. He’s 140 years old, been in the business since the 60’s and now he has to sit here beside this dullard and pretend he’s interested in anything she has to say. You can just read his thoughts “OMG Stop! Nobody cares. Just sit there and look pretty. I really have to go to the bathroom. When’s the first commercial break? Damn this live show. My hip hurts.”
9:20 - Yes, they still do that contest where they call women at home and allow them to answer questions and get prizes. This leads to an uncomfortable moment when the woman mentions she has six children and Kelly (who else?) casually asks her “what else does your husband do?” Now Regis looks like he wants to vomit.
9:21 – Ladies and Gentlemen the Question! “On Monday’s show, in what 1983 movie did Regis and Kelly say Jeff Goldblum starred in?” The answer given by the woman: Jurassic Park. Ahhhh too bad! The real answer: The Big Chill. Certainly anyone Regis’ age would’ve gotten that one!! On the minus side yesterday I could’ve seen Kelly ask someone what that movie is.
9:26 – Regis just said “this is Regis and Kelly do it week”. That CAN’T be what it sounds like can it? Did we finally find out why Kelly is on this show?
9:29 – Probably a good time to mention the show’s line up: First guest is Olympic Beach volleyball player and Dancing with the Stars contestant Misty May-Treanor. Next is Seal. Where on earth did they find Seal?? This must be the day where he doesn’t perform at kids birthday parties or bar mitzvahs.
9:31 – Apparently Misty was eliminated from DWTS because she got injured which leads to her to say she feels like she got hosed. “I want to be eliminated for sucking.” Fighting the urge.
9:36 – Oh, “Regis and Kelly Do-It Week” is where they go off and do things. That really didn’t explain it very well did it. Sorry, this is the first time I’ve seen 9:36am since high school. Is it too early for a drink?
9:37 – Kelly is going to dance with the NY Knicks cheerleaders for her “do-it” segment. I’m really hoping they’ll be dancing to the “Hell Yes” Gus Johnson montage from last week. On the plus side they’re using “Here Comes The Hotstepper” by Ini Kamoze as the intro music. Yes, I actually remembered Ini Kamoze. I’m having that drink.
9:39 – Kelly talks with the Knicks dance coordinator and has a conversation about what they’ll be doing. Kelly says “I’m not going to break a hip am I?” You just KNOW there’s footage of the coordinator saying “who are you, Regis?” in the outtakes somewhere! With that they all begin practicing the routine.
9:43 – Great shot of MSG custodial staff watching in the background.
9:46 – Brand new Leon’s commercial. Is there another store which has seen a decline in the value of their commercials than Leon’s? They used to be brilliant. Like the one where the old man sits at the kitchen table crying quietly while a glass of milk has been spilled, leading to a “Don’t cry over spilt milk. Leon’s No-Money Miracle has been extended!” How about the one where they audition people of various ethnicities to say “Ho Ho Ho!” for their “Ho Ho Hold the payments” thing they do every Christmas. These are the kind of rants I go on before noon.
9: 50 – Seal is on now. He is still the award holder for “Guy with the biggest facial disfigurement who somehow got a really really hot wife”. I still miss his Kid-N-Play hairstyle from 1994.
9:54 – They’re looking for a new theme song on Regis and Kelly and holding a contest where the winner will get to play it on the show and win $100K. Did we learn NOTHING from the Hockey Night in Canada debacle??
9:56 – Ooh there’s a new President’s Choice guy! He strangely looks like the illegitimate son of the old round guy they had, just younger and thinner. He obviously hasn’t developed a similar love for those “Decadent” cookies yet. Or developed his own beer.
9:58 – We’re in the part of the show where they do 15 seconds of show between 8 minutes of commercials. On the plus side, Miley Cyrus is going to fight Amy Winehouse on Thursday’s show!
10:00 – Well that’s done. I really don’t feel like I miss much being asleep at this time every morning. It’s 10 now and there’s only one thing on that remotely interests me and that’s because it’s the only show that was on the last time I was awake and watching TV at this hour. Get ready for an hour of what I hope will be lots and lots of “You are NOT the father!” Ladies and gentlement it’s time for Maury Povich!
10:03 – Slutty girls, deadbeat guys and a 60 year old man who is somehow on TV while the other pioneers of this dreck are in forced retirement. (We’ll get into that later) What more could you want?
10:05 – Someday they will have a show devoted to “Helping children cope with desires to kill their parents because they were on a ‘Not the father!’ Maury Povich show, hosted by Jaleel White.”
10:08 – According to the mother of the guy who is accused of being the father, “that girl sleeps with everybody even the tow truck driver.” Not him too!
10:09 – I just realized that this would be an amazing betting show. You could give odds, moneylines and everything! If only it wasn’t on at a ridiculous hour of the day.
10:10 – He IS the father! Shocking. Either way, the family is destroyed right? There’s no coming back from “You’re a ho and this can’t be my baby” right?
10:12 – I’m really tired of these “Rogers kids”. You know, the five friends who have all the Rogers phones and stuff? I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate a commercial character more than the Canadian Tire guy from a few years ago, but this blonde girl is really coming close. I hate her.
10:14 – Are you a 13, 14 or 15 year old girl who loves sex and doesn’t care what your parents say? If so, call! I’m going to put that ad on Craigslist and see how long it takes before Chris Hansen shows up at my house.
10:18 – Oh the plot thickens for this one. According to the guy, “the girl seduced me and it was supposed to be a one night stand only. Then she calls me up and says she’s pregnant.” If this was me, there would be drinks for everyone if I found out I wasn’t the father. I’m taking the “Not the father” on this one solely to see a massive celebration.
10:20 – The moment of truth: Not the father. He goes crazy and there’s the obligatory shot of the girl running off the stage in tears. See kids? Always use the pill and a condom! Or YOU just might end up on the Maury Povich show.
10:21 – The guy is still going crazy. Actual quote into the camera by him: “You want results?? 1-888-45-MAURY! This cat gets it done!” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
10:24 – I wonder how many of these father things they do on a show? Why even bother with the back stories? Just line up 40 couples and tell it to them one after another. I’m picking “Not the father” in this one too. Don’t ask me why, just a hunch.
10:26 – The dude just said he’ll stay and be there regardless if he’s the father or not. You can just see the girl’s face. Even SHE knows he’s not the father; it doesn’t look like she knows who IS the father though. You know how some girls just look like they’re easy? This girl has an “Easy (disambiguation)” page on Wikipedia.
10:27 – Not The Father! Two more lives destroyed with the help of Maury! I would just like to say at this point that before I said how Maury is still on TV but none of the other ones from the 90s made it past that decade. Why is that? What happened? Is it because his wife is a former CBS News anchor? I mean Sally Jessy is gone; Ricki is gone; Montell is gone; Geraldo decided to tackle politics instead; Jenny Jones fake breasts exploded; Donahue is gone; I can’t find Jerry Springer anywhere so maybe he’s gone too. We’re left with Maury and Steve Wilkos. (If you haven’t seen Steve Wilkos please do so. He was Springer’s old security guard. His show is like a tier below Jerry’s show, and we all thought that was impossible)
10:32 – Is your teenage daughter so out of control and wild that it’s destroying your life? If so, call! That’s going on Craigslist too. What a great way to pick up distraught low self image mothers. Chris Hansen can’t stop this train!
10:35 – Wow, both men here want to be the father. That’s new. There’s the one night stand guy and the serious relationship guy. I remember a bunch of years ago when they lined up six men and none of them were the father. Possibly the ultimate highlight.
10:38 – I’m picking the underdog in this one: The One-night stand as the father. It’s so much more fun when three lives are destroyed rather than two lives being saved isn’t it?
10:39 – and NEITHER of them is the father! A monumental upset! Who saw this coming? I want Maury to say HE’S the father now. How would Connie Chung handle that I wonder?
10:43 – Is your 13, 14 or 15 year old daughter physically violent towards you and it’s ruining your life? If so, call! Seriously, what’s up with the age stipulation? I mean, sure we all love 13, 14 and 15 year old girls….don’t we? Uh oh. Look like its back to jail for me. (Cue Tim Allen laugh)
10:45 – At first glance this woman on the show seems pretty together. She’s a little bit older (30+) and seems like an intelligent woman. Until she laughs and you can see a tongue ring. Really? A tongue ring? Is this 2002? Is there another piercing that has fallen so far in so little time? Just reeks of trailer trash. I would know! (Never mind, I wouldn’t know)
10:46 – I really think this guy might be the father, which would really infuriate the guys mom. I don’t know what to root for. I hate the guy’s mom, so I guess I’m rooting for that. What? They’re going to commercial before they reveal the details? Garbage. (Just for the record: I really REALLY want to be watching the day they find something where the girl doesn’t know the father, and present are the girl, the guy, the guy’s mom and dad and the girls best friend and it turns out that the guys DAD is the father! Someone call Steve Wilkos, we can make this happen! Yes we can! Yes we can!)
10:51 – Are you a female who likes sex and doesn’t care who you have it with? If so call! (Ok I made that one up. Don’t think that would fly on Craigslist, but worth a try!)
10:52 – He IS the father. I’m 4 for 5 today, with only that massive upset holding me back. There’s only eight minutes left, possibly time for more baby news!
10:55 – No more father updates. Too bad. I really wish Maury did a “last word” segment like Jerry used to do. You remember those serious soliloquies he would perform after all the outrageous stuff happened on his show? There’d be a show about KKK members who like sex with little black girls and he’d say something like “Just remember, we’re all different and we all need to be respected. My guests hopefully learned something today.” Maury doesn’t offer that. Too bad. What’s on at 11?
11:00 – Ok I found two shows here. One is the Price is Right (an 11am staple!) but I momentarily forgot that Bob Barker isn’t hosting anymore. I have yet to watch Drew Carey host this show and not sure how I feel about it, so I’ll be going between that and The View. I know what you’re thinking “The View? Really SportsOne? Why???” The answer: If you want unintentional comedy at its best, look no further than four women who plain hate each other. This promises to be fun.
11:01 – First of all, I love how they replaced big, fat, black Star Jones with big, fat, black Sherri Shepherd. The only difference? Sherri is massively more idiotic than anyone in the history of TV. A master stroke by Barbara Walters.
11:03 – Elisabeth Hasslebeck: The ultimate choice for “Girl who is mega hot until she opens her mouth and speaks. Then you just want to smack her”. I miss Survivor 2.
11:05 – Whoopie begins a discussion talking about the Bush/Obama meeting the day before. Can’t you just picture the introduction?
George W. Bush: Hey, you must be the new President elected.
Barack Obama: Yes I’m Barack Obama.
GB: Here let me show you around Buck.
BO: No, it’s Barack.
GB: Beck? Back? Boggle?
BO: No Barack.
GB: Oh ok The Rock. Let’s go.
11:09 – Just switched over to PIR. We’re 20 seconds in and Drew just made a fat joke about himself. Why can’t Colin Mocharie and Wayne Brady be on this show too? That would be fun. The only problem with PIR is that there’s a commercial every four minutes. Boo. Where’s that drink I ordered.
11:12 – YES! It’s another commercial featuring Busy’s dad from Ready or Not!! Is he the ultimate “That Guy!” in Canadian TV history?
11:13 – Back to The View: Today’s guest is Elton John. Say you want about him, but that’s pretty cool.
11:16 – There’s something about Whoopi Goldberg that makes her able to talk about sex without you becoming absolutely disgusted. If only Elisabeth would follow her footsteps. (C’mon, even SHE wouldn’t be able to screw that up would she?) Just a side note: Ballroom dancing should absolutely be in the Summer Olympics. I will always defend this position.
11:20 – Flipped over to PIR just in time to see the Showcase Showdown. Why do they even bother stating the rules anymore? Is there anyone in North America who doesn’t know if you go over $1.00 you lose? They have a new wheel though. It’s the same, but different if that makes any sense. On the minus side, there are no horribly old people spinning today. I miss the days when an Estelle Getty look-a-like couldn’t get the wheel all the way around and the audience would “Boo” her mercifully at the encouragement of Barker.
11:25 - The bids for a catamaran range from $1500 to $8000!? When did they stop giving away $400 clocks as prizes during the bidding round? The $8000 guy was only $5400 off! Next time!
11:27 – YES! It’s the Clock Game! The ONLY game where if you know how to do it, you WILL NOT LOSE! Let’s see if this woman knows what’s she’s doing. She has no idea. Oh well. Another time.
11:31 – There’s no men in the audience at The View either. Big surprise.
11:36 – Both shows are in commercial right now. No good commercials this morning. What happened to the commercials that spoke directly to old people? Where’s Wilford Brimley talking about “Dia-beet-us”? Where’s the “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” lady? Tears.
11:38 – PIR is back. They’re playing a game called “Pass the Buck”. Never heard of it. Where’s the yodelling mountain climber when you need him?
11:49 – (I know, eleven minutes since my last entry. The View is dead air right now) They have new a showcase set on PIR as well! Side note, one of the girl contestants looks very similar to the 3rd girl on Maury whose boyfriend wasn’t the father. Hmm. I’m gonna investigate this one.
11:51 – 1st showcase is an HD TV, new computer and a trailer. Sounds like a pass to me. And it is! Really, we need to get some odds for calling PIR. Uh oh, the second one opens with a new bedroom. This is never a good sign.
11:52 – Showcase #2 includes a massage table!? Don’t you love it when they give away prizes that nobody would ever want or use? “His and her Snowmobiles” is probably the most obvious of these.
11:57 – Girl #1 bid $21500 on the trailer showcase while girl #2 bid $16013(?) on the one with the bedroom set and hottub. I’m thinking girl #2 wins here, but we’ll find out in a minute.
11:58 – Girl #1 wins as the massage table was apparently $12000!!! Oh well, it’s almost noon and I’m totally ready to attempt to sleep again. Goodbye mid morning TV. See you in 2015!!
Friday, November 7, 2008
NFL Week 10!
Well once again, I’ve been had.
LIONS (+6) vs Jaguars
Jags continue to stink it up against garbage teams this week while
Titans (-3) vs BEARS
Undefeated Titans coming to town + Rex Grossman starting + Lovie Smith still recovering from Obama Chicago party on Tuesday night = I’m not going near the Bears this week.
PATRIOTS (-3.5) vs Bills
Saints (PK) vs FALCONS
This is it for the Saints. They will not let this season die just yet. “The Deuce is Loose” is the comeback phrase of the week. Man, that phrase sounds wrong.
Rams (+8.5) vs JETS
The Rams are better than 2-6. Actually, they’re just better than what happened last week against the Cards. Jets win but Rams keep it close. Brett Favre begins his sentimental MVP campaign this week.
DOLPHINS (-8) vs Seahawks
Dolphins appear to be solid. Seahawks appear to suck huge. Any questions? The Mike Holmgren retirement party can’t begin soon enough. You just know his wife Karen is waiting to tear open that bottle of
Packers (+2.5) vs VIKINGS
Packers have to win this week on the grounds that a Gus Frerotte offence can’t possibly make the playoffs. It just can’t. It won’t! Could be worse though: Scott Bakula could be next on the depth chart. (Note: Jerry Jones is reportedly close to signing Bakula to a $3M contract; Al Davis wishes he’d thought of it first)
Panthers (-8) vs RAIDERS
Chiefs (+15) vs CHARGERS
In what world do a 3-5 underachieving team coming off a bye week host a horrible yet “almost beat a good Bucs team” and give 15 points? In the wacky NFL that’s where! SD keeps pace with
STEELERS (-3) vs Colts
Mega “statement” game by
EAGLES (-3) vs Giants
If the Giants walk into a hostile Philly and win this Sunday night, I’m a believer. To my buddy Ryan (just like the old coach!) this one will be for you. Until then, I have to go with the Eggles at home. This could be the game of the year.
Ravens (-1) vs TEXANS
The game that was SUPPOSED to be on Sunday Night. I’m curious to know if it’s not as much that this game will be worse, than that there’s less places for John Madden to go after the game in
CARDINALS (-9.5) vs 49ers
Cards cement their NFC West title this week. Nobody is catching them. In other news, is anyone else out there hoping that the 49ers stink it up this week to the point where new coach Mike Singletary invariably eats one of his players? Would that even surprise anyone??
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