Hey everyone! This will not be your average sports related blog. There will be from time to time well thought out columns relating to various sports issues. This is not one of those times however. This one is all about fun! I figured what better way to kick off the SportsOne’s blog than a running diary of a real live Blue Jays game. For all of you out there who don’t have the option of seeing a .500 team play ball live, do I have a treat for you. I’m not alone either. My good buddy Ethan (he works for a funeral parlor, this WILL come up later) is attending with me. So here we go, on with the game!
6:25pm – Got our tickets for tonights game against the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. Obviously, they’re in the 500 level. Why the 500 level? Because all the best stuff happens in the 500 level. You’ll find out later on. There’s a rule for attending Blue Jays games. You never sit in the expensive seats unless 1) They were given to you and you couldn’t scalp them before the game or 2) You sneak down after the 5th inning. This is a team that hasn’t been in the postseason since Kim Campbell was Prime Minister. You don’t pay top dollar to watch the Toronto Blue Jays. You just don’t.
6:27pm – Just made the ramp walk up to the 500 level. Seriously, why are there no escalators yet? It’s 2008 already!! A motorized cart would feel really good right about now. Also had to listen to a teenage boy complain to his friends about the walk up AND the fact that they’re 10 sections away from they’re seats. This must be his first time at the Skydome. He may have a stroke before the night is done. “That dude may not make to the 4th inning”, quips Ethan. “Six dollars for a hot dog???”
6:30pm –Wandered into section 533 to see if batting practice was still going on (our tickets are for section 529). Security guard comes over to check on us. This leads to a conversation as to how early fans are allowed into the Skydome. “They’re allowed in at 5:30. On weekends they’re allowed in earlier,” he says. “Because they start playing earlier right?” I ask. I wish I was making this up. The Skydome, where an 8th grade education talks!
6:34pm – Waiting for Ethan to finish in the bathroom, finding myself looking over the sports card vending machine. No trip to the Skydome is complete without checking out the sports card vending machine, especially when it comes to 1989 Topps Baseball cards complete with original gum!! I swear, it’s been sitting around for 20 years just waiting to be tasted. Insert joke here.
6:37pm – We’ve found our seats; not the assigned ones of course. We’ve found a nice open row where no one will bother us, at least we hope not. It’s been a while since I’ve been here this early. A few guys are on the mound stomping it with big metal tools, making quite a noise. “Those are hand tampers,” says Ethan, “We use them at work to crush baby graves.” Ok then.
6:45pm – It’s going to be Roy Halladay vs Matt Garza. If he doesn’t get traded soon, is Halladay in danger of becoming the greatest pitcher ever without a meaningful win? No joke here, just saying.
6:50pm – Two guys dressed in Montreal Expos gear just showed up two rows ahead. “This is all they have,” I say. Would YOU want to cheer for the Nationals??
6:52pm – The announcer just informed the crowd that they are welcome to keep any fly balls hit into the crowd for tonight’s game. In over 60 games sitting up in the 500 level I have seen but 3 foul balls reach up here. The 500 level baseball glove watch is officially on. You know the losers are out there somewhere.
6:56pm – The starting lineup for the Jays includes Brad Wilkerson playing right field. Together with Kevin Mench, doesn’t this have to be the free agent signing equivalent of a two dimes for a quarter trade? Except the quarter gets tossed into the sewer along the way?
7:01pm – The first pitch tonight is thrown by ET Canada’s Cheryl Hickey. Was Rick the Temp not available?
7:05pm – The Jays take the field!! Finally wearing home whites while I’m attending. No black jerseys or powder blues. This could be a good sign!!
7:09pm – Carl Crawford rips a triple to the gap in right field. Wilkerson wasn’t even close. At least he can hit. Oops!
7:12pm – In his jumbotron display picture, Evan Longoria looks as gleeful as can be, as if to tell the world “Hey, this Longoria is hot too you know!” You just know he was towel whipped in the locker room more than anyone in the history of baseball because his name is Evan Longoria.
7:14pm – Jays get out of the inning unscathed. They show a closeup of Halladay walking off the mound on the jumbotron. He honestly looks pissed that he’s not on the trading block like AJ Burnett.
7:15pm – Joe Inglett leads off for the Jays. Sitting along the third base line in the 500 level, there is this crazy security guard woman who insists on leading everyone in a chant no matter who is up to bat. “Why can’t they serve us beer in cans, at least that would give us ammo at that broad” says Ethan. I concur.
7:19pm - Man on first and one out for Alex Rios and big surprise, he grounds into a double play. I swear, even Robert Pickton would be envious of the number of kills this team has on a given night.
7:21pm – The stadium announcer just said “Leading off for the Devil Rays…” and stopped for a split second. John Gibbons may have to clear space in his van.
7:22pm – Halladay gets the Rays 3 up, 3 down, which leads to the announcer talking about the forever ongoing car give-a-way in center field. Remember when they used to have a real car out there? Why did they get rid of it? No one ever came close to hitting it. And if they did, how amazing would that be to tell your friends you were there when someone smashed the front window of the Chevy Tahoe in center field? That would rank just below saying “I say a guy gratifying himself in the hotel!” Ok that happened in 1991 but still, it would be pretty cool to see a car get beat up is all I’m saying.
7:28pm – Bottom of the 2nd and something peculiar has begun to happen in the row directly below us. A family somehow snuck in a soft cooler and seems to have a smorgasbord of food hidden in it. The woman is eating a Caesar salad while the man is munching on a turkey sandwich. Even the security guard seems baffled. What’s more he doesn’t even inquire! He just walks away. How is this allowed to happen? Isn’t bringing in outside food and drinks against the rules? This would be like Ethan and I happily enjoying a bottle of Wild Turkey in the stands and the security saying “Hey, you got it in here, enjoy fellas!” They are officially called the picnic family from here on in.
7:31pm – The people behind us have their hands over our heads. “I feel like a marionette.” Once again, I concur. Meanwhile, the Jays have two on for Scott Rolen and his .257 power average.
7:33pm – Another double play causes Ethan to exclaim “Maybe they should give Tawny Kitaen a contract, at least she hits pitchers!” Ouch.
7:34pm – Just took bets for the picnic family’s dessert. I took a whole chocolate cake, Ethan bets on gelato. Stay tuned.
7:35pm – Eric Hinske just hit an inside the park home run that Rios could not get to and Wilkerson gave up on. Rather than running to get the ball and throwing into the infield, he jogged towards Rios and ignored the play. Second basemen Joe Inglett had to scurry out to get the ball even though it was 50 feet from Wilkerson. This is the second ball hit tonight in Wilkerson’s area that he hasn’t come up with. Even in the 500 level you can hear Tampa manager Joe Maddon say “Ok fellas, new game plan. Hit it to right field.”
7:40pm – Just had a conversation about whether or not Wilkerson could make the Mariners roster. “He got cut from Seattle,” I’m informed. So much for that then. Another strikeout for Halladay. He might get out of this inning with just the one run.
7:44pm – Crawford grounds out to Overbay to end the threat. 1-0 TB. As a side note, we’re both convinced the bully from a Christmas Story just sat three rows down. Still no dessert from the picnic family.
7:46pm – Adam Lind leading off. I’m convinced he’s the second coming of Junior Felix. He’s only been up in the bigs for a couple months and he’s hitting everything in sight! Hopefully he stays around for a while and unlike Junior isn’t working an 11-8 shift at Home Depot two years later.
7:47pm – Even the crazy security guard woman is perplexed by the picnic family.
7:52pm – Bottom of the 3rd inning and Wilkerson makes a play in right field. Somewhere Jose Canseco is nodding in approval.
7:56pm – Cliff Floyd lines out to Rios, which begs the question as to how on earth Cliff Floyd is still playing? He’s been bounced around the league for what seems like forever! He’s like one of those girls you and your friends shared/dated in high school, yet still got a date for the prom.
7:58pm – Both mascots (the Rays flew their mascot, or the costume, up from Tampa for tonight’s game, which is actually kind of cool) are in the 500 level throwing boxes of something into the crowd. A bunch of young fans return the favour by throwing them as far as they can, which means into the 200 and 100 level seats. This is just inexcusable. It’s nothing but ammo for these kids. This is like driving a bus load of 6th graders to a priests house for march break. Something bad is going to happen.
8:00pm – Ok, time for a beer. Brb soon.
8:06pm – Looking at the jumbotron photos of the Rays players, one needs to ask “Do they all have goatees?? Is that like a prerequisite?? If so, would Jered Weaver even be allowed on this team?”
8:09pm – Rod Barajas guns down Navarro trying to steal 2nd base. How much longer will Gregg Zaun and his $3 million contract be with the Jays? He couldn’t hit while on HGH, he can’t hit now. Why not use the money to hire some beer vendors for the 500 level!
8:10pm – Halladay strikes out Jason Bartlett to end the 5th. Just to follow up, we’ve since moved away from the picnic family and apparently traded them in for a bunch of screaming girls who think every player is cute. Even the guys they’re with look like they want to strangle them.
8:13pm – According to the jumbotron, Matt Stairs hit his first ever homerun off of Tom Gordon in 1995, and amazingly they’re both still in the league this year. This was news to Ethan as he pondered “Was it Tom Gordon or Oil Can Boyd who tried a comeback in the minors a few years ago”. It was the Oil Can. Anytime you can reference Oil Can Boyd it’s a good thing.
8:15pm – It’s 2-1 to Scott Rolen again with one out. Meanwhile Ethan and I are arguing whether or not the guy standing two rows down from us looks like Tony from Dazed and Confused or Wheels from Degrassi. “Hey Wheels, should you be drinking???” screams Ethan. I guess that settles that.
8:18pm – It’s half way through the game and the Jays are losing because of Wilkerson. The over under on that for the year has to be 5 doesn’t it??
8:20pm – The security guard in this section keeps walking up and down the aisle staring at us. We’re not sure what he wants, but we know where we’ve seen him before. So THAT’S what happened to Antonio Sabato Jr!
8:22pm – Just had a discussion about Adam Lind and how he very well could be the love child of Roy Halladay and Lyle Overbay. He looks just like a cross between them. Conan O’Brien needs to be alerted. There could be a new joke for “If they had a kid.”
8:23pm - And here comes the groundscrew!!! I still say they need to hire a fat kid to run out with them, clean the base and then attempt to run back to the left field wall only to be left behind huffing and puffing all the way. That would be tremendous self satisfaction for me. By the way, it’s still 1-0 for the Tampa Bay Goatees.
8:26pm – BJ Upton is up to bat and 0 for 2 on the night. This is the kind of moment I would love to get the Tampa television feed just to hear the announcers exclaim “It’s BJ time!”
8:34pm – Wilkerson strikes out, keeping his perfect game in tact. Where is Jose Cruz Jr when you need him? “Selling cars for Kia,” quips Ethan. Fair enough.
8:39pm – Marco Scutaro keeps fouling balls off. This must be 5 in a row. The wave has started in the Skydome and is heading toward its 4th repetition. I have yet to stand for the wave. I hate the wave. “I hate the wave,” says my companion. Scutaro strikes out looking. “Blinded by the wave,” says he. I nod in approval.
8:42pm – Top of the 7th and leading off for the Rays is Carlos Pena, who if he was squinting any more in his jumbotron picture, I would be convinced he was trying to shield his eyes from Kathy Bates’ nude scene in About Schmidt.
8:46pm – Just had a discussion about Wilkerson. I say put David Eckstein out there, he can’t be any worse. “They could put Lupus from Bad News Bears out there, and it would be an upgrade.” Alrighty.
8:50pm – Halladay gets Hinske to strikeout to end the 7th for the Rays. “Get a damn run!” he is heard to utter leaving the mound.
8:51pm - It’s 7th inning stretch time. The Jays have this thing where they play their signature song followed by a horrible tape recording of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”. The “OK Blue Jays!” song is actually a lot of fun, it’s a wonder no one has recorded a long version of it yet to be downloaded onto iTunes. The followup tape recording just ruins the whole thing however. It would be like your father saying to you on your 16th birthday “Here you go son, a brand new Jeep! And to take you out on your first car date complete with inspiration point, Bea Arthur!” Not good.
8:52pm – Gabe Gross has just entered the game. This makes two former Blue Jays in this game so far. “Juan Guzman should be warming up in the bullpen any minute now.”
8:54pm – Lind is up again. Wait, it’s Overbay. My bad. Seriously, lose the goatee and they’re the same guy.
8:56pm – Barajas up with the tying run on base!! “I smell another D.P.” Not going there.
8:58pm – Three double plays for the Jays tonight. A disgruntled Roy Halladay takes the mound and promptly takes his anger out on the rosin bag.
9:01pm - Akinori Iwamura up for the Rays in the top of the 8th. So far tonight he’s popped out to 1B, grounded out to 2B and grounded out to 3B. He’s an out to the catcher away from the ever elusive “out around the diamond.” He flies out to left. Oh well. Another day.
9:04pm – Upton walks again. We’ve agreed the dude looks like Tony from Dazed and Confused which leads to the following exchange:
Me: Who had the better line Mike or Wooderson?
Ethan: Wooderson obviously, “I get older, they stay the same age.”
Me: Ok, but Mike had both “I wanna dance” as well as the drunk tirade to Tony, calling Clint a “dominant male monkey motherf**ker.”
Ethan: “You got a joint?....It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”
Well played.
9:08pm – Longoria rips a 2 run triple to right field. (Expect anything less from our boy Wilkerson?) Hopefully a beaning is coming. Poor Carlos Pena and his squinting eyes.
9:10pm – Pena strikes out to end the 8th. 7-8-9 coming up for the Jays. Eckstein is still the best hitter on our bench, and he’s batting in the .260s. “Bench rhymes with Mench.” Indeed.
9:14pm – Stairs grounds out to start the 8th inning.
9:16pm – Rolen hits one to deep left field! The guy in front of us is cheering madly. I think his head may explode.
9:17pm – Lind (Junior Felix) doubles! The guy in front of us is officially as excited as the foreign guy on That 70s Show must have been when he realized he could bang Hollywood starlets.
9:19pm – Wilkerson to bat. Seriously, there’s no one in the organization who could pinch hit? Starry-eyed Aaron Hill or even one legged Vernon Wells wouldn’t be better?
9:21pm – Top of the 9th and people are heading for exits as if this were the advanced screening of Battlefield Earth.
9:24pm – Jesse Carlson on to pitch now. People are dancing to the music. This is one thing that irritates me about the Sky Dome. Here they’re team is down 3-0 in the 9th and they’re dancing. In any other stadium they would be mired in a state of misery and violence right about now!
9:26pm – Gabe Gross up to bat. He really looks like Gerry Dee. Really.
9:28pm – Bottom of the 9th still down 3-0.
9:32pm – Alex Rios is our last chance with two out.
9:34pm – He grounds out to short. Final score 3-0. The Jays fall back to one game over .500. Oh well, what do you expect given the starting lineup consisting of one guy hitting over .300 and one guy with more than 10 home runs. Maybe next time.
Ok everyone, that’s it from the Skydome. Hope you enjoyed tonight’s game and felt like you were there too! Now it’s off to Jack Astor’s for post game drinks! See you soon!
