The 2008-09 Toronto Maple Leafs: A season long tank job

NHL training camps begin in just under a month, and once again the mighty Leafs come into the season having not made the playoffs the previous year. However, there is a different scent in the air this year. Since the lockout, Leaf fans have been anticipating a resurgence back to the Promised Land, or at least back to the heyday of the previous decade, roughly 1993-2003. This year is a very different year indeed, because this year there is only one real hope for this team, one real outlook. One word best describes what should be on the mind of everyone in the Leafs front office this year, and only one word describes what should be on the minds of all Leaf fans across the country this year. That word is: Tankapolooza.

Tankapolooza occurs when a team or player does everything they have to do to lose in order to get something of value in return. Some famous “tanks” include the 2006-07 Boston Celtics, who began fighting with Memphis in order to get the most number of ping pong balls in the draft lottery. They landed No 2, traded it away to Seattle and received Ray Allen who helped them win the NBA Championship this past season. The Washington Capitals, sensing their season was as dead as a post 90210 career, (paging Ian Ziering to Hardware, Ian Ziering report to the Hardware department) won 3 of their last 22 games en route to winning the 2004 NHL draft lottery and picking up Alexander Ovechkin in the process. The Ottawa Senators seemed to tank for years on end for one more chance to redeem themselves from that massively bad 1993 No 1 pick (Alexander Daigle). Players are not immune to the lour of the tank job. One could argue C.C. Sabathia this year did not give his best in order to be traded from the sad sack Indians to a contender. Of course who could forget Vince Carter’s performance leading up to the trade with New Jersey which sent Toronto the pu pu platter from the Nets in exchange. So it’s safe to say that perhaps there is something to be gained in the ancient art of tanking. This is where the Leafs come into play.

Since the turn of the century only the Columbus Blue Jackets have been more inept at putting together a competitive team on the ice. To put it in perspective, the guy who played AC Slater from Saved by the Bell has had a better six years than the Leafs. Toronto has tried to assemble a team of stars via free agency. Notable free agent signings over the past few seasons include Jason Allison (B+), Eric Lindros (C-), Bates Battaglia (C-) and Michael Peca (C). These were all made with a purpose of making a charge towards the playoffs; none worked. The Leafs have one might assume attempted to gain admirable product via the draft. However, the last player drafted by this team who has gone on to anything of importance is Brad Boyes, drafted in 2000. The Leafs traded him for Owen Nolan in 2003 and while Nolan is now out of the league, Boyes is scoring 40+ goals a season for the Blues. Once again, in an effort to make the team better the Leafs failed and missed the playoffs in 2003-04.

After firing JFJ and then letting go Paul Maurice this past season, they seem to have someone in charge who knows exactly what this team needs to be. If there has to be a photo of only one NHL logo in Cliff Fletcher’s office, it has to be that of the Quebec Nordiques. Only the constant reminder of how bad the Nordiques were from 1987 to 1992 can help turn this thing around. The Leafs have been mediocre the last few seasons; however this season they need to be worse. Like Rachel Phelps said in Major League “We’ve been losing, but what I want is for us to finish dead last.” Dead last. This has to be the goal for the Leafs front office. With a dead last finish the Leafs can possibly gain access to one Jonathan Tavares who is supposedly the next Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin. He could be the young golden boy to finally bring an end to this era of helplessness. He could be to the Maple Leafs what “Dreamgirls” should have been to Eddie Murphy (before he went back to making Nutty Professor 7 or whatever movie that was where he played every character). And it seems that Fletcher is doing what he can to make it a certainty that Leaf fans will be anticipating not a playoff run this spring, but a run at the No 1 pick.

The secret to any tank job is to have the right pieces in place and the wrong ones out of place, and as the Leafs start the season it seems that the moves this team has made over the off season ensures that a an unheard of season long tank job is a real possibility. The first thing the GM did was to get rid of certain players who may screw this thing up. After all, they don’t want to openly come out and say “we’re gonna make this season the hockey equivalent of Ben Affleck’s movie career after Gigli.” It has to be somewhat secretive, and by doing the following three things Fletcher has done his part to mask this massive operation.

1) Buying out Darcy Tucker. Tucker is the kind of player who could really mess this up for all of us. He played horribly last season to the tune of 18/16/34, or basically $100K a point give or take. It was his worst PPG average since joining the Leafs so he had to be shipped out. But he’s also the kind of grinder type player that could fire up the rest of the team, and get hot for any number of games down the stretch. The last thing this team needs this season is to go 9-2-2 in March.

2) Getting rid of Andrew Raycroft and bringing in Curtis Joseph. I know, I know, Raycroft could be the savior for this whole thing. Not since Jim Carey (the Net Detective) has a goalie showed so much promise and then blown up spectacularly. However, this has to be done in secret. The Leafs have to show the league that they are at least attempting to put a good product on the ice, although a good look at the skaters will tell even the most casual fan that this is not the case. Toskala and his 31^st best save percentage last year should be able to help this team lose 50, but if not, 73 year old CuJo can come in and do the job nicely.

3) Not giving Mats Sundin everything he wants. Sundin is the obvious x-factor. If he somehow plays here, we can all kiss the No 1 pick goodbye because like it or not, he’s a leader and a truly great talent even at 37. If he plays somewhere else, then Nik Antropov will be the No 1 centre. Nik Antropov! It’s not quite the 1992 New England Patriots starting Scott Zolak at QB but its close. Although doing that DID land them Drew Bledsoe in the draft and ushered in a series of successful seasons culminating with a Super Bowl appearance in 1997 so I think Nik can do this job nicely. After all, he is poised to become the recipient of “only forward on the Leafs who will receive a EA Sports rating of 70+ in NHL 09.” After taking care of these things the Leafs then went to the free agent market and came out with their draft flags waving proudly.

The biggest free agent signing of the off season was not a great player or perhaps even a good player, but a Top 4 defenceman snatched away from Colorado who at $4 million per season will be counted upon to deliver the 4/10/14/-29 they sorely need this year. On July 1^st the collective thoughts of everyone in Leaf Nation was the same. “Jeff Finger? Who? Is that his porn name?” Obviously his two assists in the Avalanche’s round 1 exit in last years playoffs made him the kind of player the Blue & White desperately needed. Because there is not only a salary cap but also a price floor, they needed to spend a certain amount of money. This is to make it seem like this is a team who has their sights set on an adequate record; a canny move in the signing of Finger to be sure. But it doesn’t stop there, now there is word that Bryan McCabe will be taking his “own goals” south to Miami to join Wade Belak (who along with Aki Berg I was convinced co-held the title of “Player who could make the Leafs starting lineup but would never make another team’s roster”. In his defence he is still in the league. Berg is in Europe cooking brats on a street corner). The Panthers will apparently be giving up Mike Van Ryn, another over paid player who will fit right in with this team concept.

Notice no scoring help has been added. That’s because in addition to Antropov, Jason Blake and Alex Ponikarovsky, the Leafs have absolutely no one. This is key. Even Battlefield Earth had John Travolta (which he also produced). This team has ONE C+ scoring line, which coupled with a C- defence core and C+ goalie, should ensure the 20 win season this team must be hoping for. What else can one expect when Jamal Mayers is No 2 on the RW depth chart? Short of sending Carlton the Bear out there this is as good a Tank Depth Chart as there could be.

The real genius of the off season moves was firing Maurice and bringing Ron Wilson, who is an offensive coach. There is a zero percent chance that the Leafs will be an offensive team this season. None. Notta. Miley Cyrus may score more than the Leafs’ 4^th line this year. Once we get past the murderers row that is the Leafs top line, we're left with forwards such as Alex Steen, Mark Bell, the aforementioned Jamal Mayers and Boyd Devereaux (he was on the 1997 World Junior Team don’t you know!) In other words, a bunch of fringe players. As fans we can only dream of the kind of impact an offensive minded coach will have on this team of stars and the impact he might have on the defence as well. The SportsOne sees a plethora of two on one’s in the future for Toskala to have to deal with; it’s all part of the master plan.

In 1989-90 the Quebec Nordiques won 12 games all season, which for an established team is a record of futility (and picked Owen Nolan at No 1). The Leafs won’t approach that number, but once they start to approach 22 or so look for some “curious” moves to be made, such as starting Joseph more often to “give him some work.” (Why was he the only former Leaf brought back? Was Sergei Berezin not available? Lonny Bohonos HAS to be out of jail by now!) Perhaps Kaberle will be sent down to the minors to “fix his attitude”. All we know is, the Leafs HAVE to be preparing for a big payoff next spring. The last 1^st overall pick the Leafs had was Wendel Clark in 1986, who if not for injuries might have been as dominant as Cam Neely was during his prime. Since then it’s been one garbage draft pick after another. What else to expect from a team when in the early 90’s when the first influx of Soviet players came in to the league landed Alexander Godynuyk while the Wings got Fedorov, the Flames got Makarov and the Sabres got Mogilny (the Leafs got him 10 years later). The future is now! Tankapolooza is real and is the chance of a lifetime for the Leafs. With the moves this team has made and the product they’re preparing to put on the ice, it’s the only possible conclusion. They owe it to us to be that bad this season. We’re still not over the Russ Courtnall for John Kordic trade in 1989.