Fall issue of the links and NFL week 4!

Hey everyone, did you hear someone got fired this week? Let’s get to some rants and raves and most importantly some links! Then maybe some NFL picks if I have time. I was chatting with my good buddy Noah this week, and we were discussing just what SNL will or might do after Amy Poehler leaves after the presidential election. Not only will there only be two females left on the show, (one of which is Kristen Wiig who might just be the funniest person to ever be on the show. Check it out.) but it also leaves a huge whole in the Weekend Update realm.

We spent a few minutes dissecting the possibilities that Seth Meyers could do it on his own, like this guy or this guy but quickly dismissed that theory because as Noah put it “he’s too much of a straight guy” which is true. He doesn’t have what it takes to be the one, and could inadvertently turn into a frog if left by his lonesome. So what to do? Then we came with the perfect situation: Have the other stars do it with him, but in their recurring characters. Not only would it give Lorne Michaels the rest of the year to find someone who could do it with him (and enough time to see if Amy’s new show bombs and desperately wants her old job back this spring) but it would also give fans the chance to see their favourite characters more often and the actors a chance to show off their skills. Imagine watching Weekend Update with Seth Meyers and the Two A-holes. “Ready to do some news babe? Ready to news it up babe? Babe? The news? Ready to read some news babe?” “Yaaaaaaa.” In other words, perfect. Plus there’s the added bonus of Darrell Hammond doing his Dan Rather impression while actually reading news jokes. It wouldn’t compare to this mind you, but still it’d be interesting to see!

Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time for the fall edition of the links. As always, these are links that people have sent, so if you have one, send it on over.

First of all, there’s nothing funnier than a guy in a suit going off on a rampage. The suit adds so much dignity, and then the dude begins to slowly decompose right before your eyes, it can’t be topped. Ok that’s not completely true. But this guy is almost the epitome of what I’m talking about. Bow to the pissed off RV Salesman. Thanks to Geoff in Ottawa.

Earlier this week I referenced a Price Is Right clip when talking about Isaiah Thomas, (I with I could have gotten that old Family Feud clip where Ray Coombs asks the guy at what month does a pregnant woman begin to show and he answered “September”. Classic Idiocy!) which got me thinking about the greatest PIR clip I’ve ever seen. The fact that it’s short puts it over the top. Think about it. Isn’t this what YOU would do with your best buddy if you got seats right here??

We have reached the point where the hour between the end of the late afternoon NFL games and the start of the Sunday Night Game is almost unwatchable. It’s like American Pie or American Pie 2. I would put those two movies in the “most dated and totally unwatchable movies of the 90s” category. (and it came out in 1999. That’s only 9 years! Has any movie ever reached this status so fast?) First of all, you can’t look at a pre-cocaine Tara Reid and buy the fact she’s never had sex. You just can’t. Secondly and most importantly, and I’ve done a complete 180 on this point, the fact that they used actors who were more or less the right age for the parts just adds to the un-watchability. I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s the one things Grease got right in the 70s. They used actors who were HORRIBLY too old but because we, them and everyone in between knew, nobody bought into the movie too seriously. With AP, they went for realism and now that the actors have grown up and either blown up, or bottomed out to which the only logical step left is a semi successful gonzo porn career, you just don’t buy into anything anymore. Plus kids have so much access to the internet now that any guy not knowing about third base by the age of 18 is laughable. Sorry, either way. I just wanted to say the Sunday Night Football highlight show is terrible. On the plus side, you can always listen to these as they show highlights and pretend you’re back in the good old days of 2005!

Well it took until the final month of its existence, but the greatest thing ever recorded at Shea Stadium was released to the internet last week. It’s a fitting end to the utter misery that is the Shea. On the other hand, this is just brilliant. This just goes to show that even when a team is free-falling out of 1^st place (again this year!) that some fans still know how to have a good time. Oh, and just for good measure, let’s post the greatest recreation of anything that ever happened at Shea Stadium. (Three cheers for Marty Barrett!!) Let’s give Shea its due!

I have nothing to say about this clip except it’s my favourite Conan O’Brien sketch of all time. I can’t believe it’s still around since it happened over 8 years ago, but it’s going to be really interesting when he takes over from that door stop NBC has working for them now. Very interesting indeed. Enjoy.

There’s a few things in this world that really can keep a person’s attention at the computer. (Porn, sports, shopping, chatting, that’s the list) This is another one. In or about 2001, my buddy Jeff and me were at visiting my cousin and her now husband and he turned us onto this game called The Romp. It was the most addictive thing I’d ever played and I grew up with Super Mario Kart battle mode. It’s been 6 years and could never find it again but here it is. Anyone familiar with Choose Your Own Adventure games will know exactly what to do here.

And now the greatest YouTube video ever created. Do not be intimidated by its length.

Greatest. Video. Ever.

Now on to Week 4!

Broncos (-9.5) vs CHIEFS

Everything is going right for my Broncos this year. They’re getting every call, every late FG miss, and every gutsy play is going in their favour (I’m totally expecting Jay Cutler to announce he’s dating Rihanna, or at least Ciara, she needs a comeback doesn’t she?) The Chiefs on the other hand have pulled out all the stops and are starting Damon Huard (Yes, he’s still in the league) this weekend. Somebody give Culpepper a hanky. Please.

BENGALS (-3.5) vs Browns

Once again, I’ve been had. The Browns are going to start 0-4 this year and the way things are going it could be week 11 before they get their first win. And I had them winning the AFC North! The Bengals actually played well last week (Houshmanzadeh finally had a good game while sitting on my bench. Thanks again TJ) and were definitely in position to steal one at Giants Stadium. Of all the 0-3 teams right now, they look the best. Also, I’m really hoping Cinco continues to put up garbage stats, I really want to see him in the CFL. Imagine what his TD celebrations would be like in a league where this is allowed.

JAGUARS (-7) vs Texans

Houston is playing its third straight road game to begin the season because of Ike, and what’s more after this tilt in Jacksonville will play FOUR straight home games because of Ike. The Jags squeaked one out in Indy last week after David Gerarrd finally realized he has no business passing the ball to anyone. Look for Jax to cover here. In other news, my buddy Jared texted me this week with the following: “Guess who just won the pot on World Series of Poker?....Blake Stepp (former NBA 2^nd round draft pick and one of the best PG’s in Gonzaga basketball history. No sign of Dan Dickau or Casey Calvary though) So you see? Just because your pro career tanked doesn’t mean you can’t still win $8000 at a time in WOSP. Someone memo David Carr.

JETS (-1) vs Cardinals

Brett Favre still has that nasty habit of pulling Keith Hernandez moments during games. He feels pressure, scrambles a bit and then throws a pass into triple coverage and it gets intercepted. The reason? Because he’s Brett Favre. The combined age of the starting QBs on Sunday is 77. I’m taking the elder QB who has 50% more MVP’s do his credit. Have we reached the point where the NFL MVP has been rendered meaningless? Favre has 3. Kurt Warner has 2 and everyone forgets how great he was for those 3 seasons. (Kind of like Ally McBeal. Oh wait, nevermind that show was horrible. Dancing baby…shudders)

SAINTS (-4.5) vs 49ers

Only 4.5 points for the Saints? Seriously? We really expect JT O’Sullivan to throw up and down the field in the Superdome? I’m betting on the no factor. Also, Jeremy Shockey is out and don’t forget how much better the Giants played when he was hurt last winter. (Something about a Super Bowl win, I don’t remember because I still refuse to believe they won. Sorry Ryan and wait, the other guy I know who likes the Giants is named Ryan. Something fishy going on here.) Meanwhile, does anyone know if the Saints have contacted 64 year old Morten Andersen yet?

PANTHERS (-6.5) vs Falcons

As much as I have liked what I’ve seen from the team I picked to have a chance to be 0-16, they still haven’t beaten anyone of any value. Just like my U of T Blues. End the longest losing streak Canadian football has ever seen by beating Waterloo (haha Jared) and then spank York (haha Vlad and about 20 other people I know) then play someone who’s good like UWO and get blown out 70-1. (I just for once would like to hear the post game team meeting where the UWO coach berates his team for allowing a rouge. Please someone video that) I just don’t see them going into Carolina and keeping it under a touchdown.

TITANS (-3) vs Vikings

Ooo, this should be a good one. Frerotte vs Collins. Two over the hill white QBs who have taken the ranks after their respective teams versions of Michael Vick. (just the playing style, not the illegal stuff like the weed smoking or dog fighting, although that would be something) I’m picking Collins here, because he’s just not quite as over the hill just yet, and c’mon, you know I never bet against the mustache. On a side note, last week’s Tennessee/Houston game is precisely why I love gambling on football. The over/under was 41.5, and the score was 24-12 with about a minute left. Houston had four, FOUR cracks from the 2 to get into the end zone and make the score over (which I had). They failed the first three times, then the fourth got picked in the end zone. But then got ran back 100 yards for a meaningless touchdown. Here I was, neither a Titans nor Texans (there’s gotta be some somewhere) fan, screaming for the guy not to run out of bounds and take the touchdown giving me the win. I was loud. I was proud. I love NFL football.

BUCS (-1) vs Packers

Green Bay got killed last Sunday night. That much we know. We also know that Tampa Bay went into Chicago and got outplayed most of the day, only to force overtime late and win it with 5 minutes to go. That’s what they call a character building game. Tampa Bay might be the best team in the NFC not in the East Division. The Pack, well, they’re still the best team in their division, but their run defence was not great last week. The Bucs probably take this one on a last second field goal. Also, if Jon Gruden can turn Rich Gannon into a Pro Bowl QB, and then turn Brian Griese into a decent QB, then I want him to my house as part of some Extreme Makeover type thing. Not comparing him to Jesus just yet, but he’s climbed past Mr. T.

Bills (-9) vs RAMS

For the second week in a row, the Rams get a national televised game in Canada (Sportsnet West and Pacific) meaning my buddy Ian can watch his beloved team get throttled yet again. (I’m convinced Rogers is putting the Rams on TV to get everyone to buy the NFL Sunday Ticket, which if you’re a football fan, there’s no excuse not to already have it) Trent Green goes for St Louis this week. If there really was a God, he’d let me bet on whether or not Green makes it to the 3^rd quarter. It’s the only reason to watch this one. Bills by 3 scores.

CHARGERS (-7.5) vs Raiders

Wow. The beatdown last Monday night was like that angry guy in the bar (the Chargers) who’s girlfriend is off with some other dude (Ed Hochuli) and he just takes it out on the first guy who looks at him crooked (the Jets). Dare we say the Chargers are back? Also, that sound you heard was all the fantasy owners who picked 1^st overall and took LT smashing their heads into the coffee table because Darren Sproles (who most of us picked up last week) is about to win more fantasy points than LT this year. The Lane Kiffen fire watch continues. If Millen can go, anyone can go. Even you Lane.

REDSKINS (+11) vs Cowboys

I got mugged on Tuesday night near a pub near my house. The guy who did it wanted my Ipod so I gave it to

him, not before getting pushed and thrown into a wall hitting my head. Before I knew it, these two off duty cops who were just having a few pints on the patio caught him, cuffed him and I got my Ipod back right away. I’m only mentioning this here because that hit on my head HAS to be the reason I’m picking Washington to cover in this game.

BEARS (+3) vs Eagles

I got mugged on Tuesday night. Wait I used that excuse. The Eagles defence looked retardedly scary last week. Every time I tuned in I saw Rothlesberger on his behind. That being said, there’s just something about this Bears team that I like. I’m not sure what it is. They still have the defence to win ball games, and you know Lovie Smith gave them an earful about throwing the lead away late. I didn’t think the Bears would beat Indy in prime time. Like the President says: Fool me once, shame on you. Your not gonna get fooled again.

STEELERS (-5) vs Ravens

Joe Flacco (who is rapidly becoming the best non-sports bar sounding QB name in the league) takes his show to Pittsburgh on Monday night for a date with Troy Polamalu’s hair. Willie Parker is out this week for the Steelers, but Big Ben hopefully has dusted off although this figures to be a low scoring affair. These types of games always end up 10-6 until the winning team scores with 5 minutes to go making it 17-6 and covering the spread. Take Pittsburgh here, although I’m always scared of Baltimore on a Monday night. (Still the WORST game ever Stewart)

Last Week: 10-6

Season: 26-21

The men Matt Millen will never become...

Shh. Hear that sound? Wait for it. (Pop!) That’s the sound of thousands of Lions fans celebrating in their homes, on the streets, and in their offices nationwide today as word spreads that Detroit Lions president and CEO is no longer with the team. Even though it’s yet to be reported whether or not he stepped down or if fans’ dreams finally came true and he was fired, you get the feeling we’re all missing a great ticker-tape parade on the streets of downtown Detroit. You know what that means? It’s time to delve into who is the worst GM/Owner in sports!

First some ground rules. Only recent GM’s will be on the list (So no Harry Franzee who sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920). It’s hard enough scouring through 30 years of sports history. Secondly, only GM/Owners who had an effect in the day to day running of their teams are considered. Absentee owners who just let their teams run into the ground (like David Glass, owner of the Royals) will not be present on this list. Thirdly, this list is by no means official, so please don’t get pissed and write me angry emails because your teams owner or GM isn’t on it. Lastly, championships trump everything. For instance, in 1995 Yankees fans could have a gripe about George Steinbrenner because not only had the team not won the World Series since 1981, the team hadn’t even been to the playoffs in 15 years. Once they beat the Braves the following year, every Yank fan had to shut up. Plus, their team was forever immortalized on Seinfeld. (particularly when George was teaching Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams how to hit and poo-pooing their World Series win by reminding them that it took them six games to finish off Atlanta) Anyways on with the list.

1. Isaiah Thomas, GM and President of the New York Knicks (2003-07)

There’s a Price is Right You Tube clip where this guy horribly overbids on a clock. This pretty much sums up Isaiah’s tenure as GM of the Knicks. He was notorious for bringing in players with such inflated salaries that the effects of his moves will be felt against the salary cap until Shawn Kemp’s youngest illegitimate son is able to play college ball. (in other words, a longgg time) He was a saviour to the other GM’s in the league however. For example, when the Raptors desperately needed to unload Jalen Rose and his massive $17 million salary in 2006, they knew they could ship him off to Broadway. That’s what Madison Square Garden essentially became, a salary dump yard. Stephon Marbury, Rose, Steve Francis etc. The chants of “Fire Isaiah” were heard echoing through the halls of the Garden. Unlike those chants of Matt Millen however, Isaiah also screwed up his own legacy, which is why he tops this chart.

Before 1996 he was thought of as one of the greatest guards ever. He helped the Pistons win back to back championships during the little mini window where the Showtime Lakers lost a little bit and the Baby Bulls weren’t quite grown up yet. Everyone would agree he was a legend in the making. After GMing in Toronto for the Raptors (thankfully for him he got out just before the ship crashed into Center Island) he went over to NY and took a once proud fanbase and turned them totally against him. (How Thomas never got mugged in Manhattan is just mind boggling. He must have arrived to and from the Garden in one of those armoured Brinks vans right? There’s no question right??) But worst of all, now his legacy is totally tarnished. It’s hard to even envision him as a player. Just like it’s hard to envision a time when Tonya Harding was actually an athlete and not A) Getting her brains punched in by Paula Jones or B) the star of her own sex tape (arguably the worst “celeb” sex tape in history I think. Just goes to show though, that the good old white trash of America can still pull through for us when we need them. Come on Britney, your time is running out!) All anyone under the age of 30 will ever truly remember is how horribly he screwed up the NBA’s largest market, and his own image. Oh and he also sexually harassed a woman in 2005 and when he was fired in ‘08 was ordered not to go near any of the players on the Knicks team. (Kind of like how you just know Brian Austin Green has been ordered to stay away from the new 90210 series) Kudos Isaiah, you’re still No 1 on my list.

2. Jeremy Jacobs, Owner of the Boston Bruins (current)

I’m not sure what it’s like when everyone hates you, but I’m pretty sure that when a full fledged website entitled “Please Sell The Bruins” is launched, it’s not a good thing. There are similarities between Jacobs and another evil greedy type owner, the guy who used to own the Maple Leafs. Both men loved the game of hockey and would often be seen at the games cheering on their teams. Both men were concerned with maximizing profits. Both men were prepared to put a cheap nothing team on the ice with the assumption that every ticket would be sold and the fan base would never shrink. The problem with that No 3 point is that in Toronto it worked, but in Boston it has apparently blown up in his face and while the 2007-08 Bruins playoff team has the town somewhat buzzing about the team for the first time since Cheers went off the air, there have been dark days in Beantown lately. (Come to think of it, it could really be argued that the sports and entertainment territorial shift from Boston to New York happened that night in 1993 when Sam Malone locked up Cheers for the final time. Think about it, before then Boston sports fans had the Boston College miracle Doug Flutie hail mary pass, the Red Sox were still everyones lovable losers and got more headlines than the Yankees ever did, the Celtics were kings of the NBA while the Knicks were mediocre and the Bruins were in the Stanley Cup Finals two out of three years and in the semis two more years! And to top it off, Cheers was the No 1 show on TV. After Cheers left, the Bruins went into their dark stage, the Celtics fell apart, the Yankees got their swagger back and Seinfeld became the show of all shows. Also, the Rangers ended their 54 year Stanley Cup drought the very next year! If Boston was the city of the 80s, NYC was easily the city of the 90s)

The fact that many prominent sports writers and fans have been calling for changes only pushes the case further. It has to be said that there is a huge difference between what Jacobs has done and what MLSE has done: While MLSE has made a habit of not having any clue what to do with their top level franchise (until this year, when Fletcher has actually done a good job of putting a team on the ice that will serve as building blocks towards a better tomorrow. Prediction, Jeff Finger plays somewhere else after next season) Jacobs has made deals that probably would get him strangled in Toronto. The most famous of which was trading Joe Thornton to the Sharks for a nickel and two shiny new pennies. You can read more at the website, but you get the idea. Bill Simmons said it best when he said “I’m a hockey widower, and when I graduated college and realized I had spent more than two decades of my life rooting for a franchise that cared more about making a profit than winning a championship I had to cut the cord.” That pretty much sums up what a lot of fans in Boston have been saying for the better part of the last ten years. Maple Leaf fans got lucky in 1990, hopefully Bruins fans don’t have to get quite as lucky.

3. Jeffrey Loria, Montreal Expos (sold team to MLB in 2002)

Attempting to explain just what happened to the Expos during Loria’s tenure as owner is like being asked to describe what happened during a massive train wreck. The only conceivable answer is “Look at it. Does it really need explaining?” Of course it’s been argued that the 1994 MLB work stoppage ruined any chance the Expos had of retaining any kind of fan base in the city but still, by the end of the Expos era the situation became so ridiculous it was laughable. The team had young superstar after young superstar and one by one fans watched as they left for bigger and better things. My buddy Chad once spent almost an hour telling me of the brief history of the Expos and how everything that could’ve gone wrong for them did go wrong. By the late 90s, the team had become a feeder for the rest of the league: Develop talent, showcase it off to the rest of the teams during a season or two, and then once the entry level contracts were up, let other teams cherry pick and keep what they want. Do the Yankees win the ’96 World Series without John Wetteland? Do the Red Sox ever compete every season like they did from ’98-’04 without Pedro? How good would the Angels be right now without Vlad?

The point where the Expos became a farce happened in 2002 when Loria decided he wanted to run a different team (the Florida Marlins) and when he couldn’t find an owner to buy the dilapidated Expos, he inexplicably sold the team to the other 29 baseball owners. This would be like going to a party and finding out that you’re somehow related to every single girl there. There’s no chance for you tonight, bud, just hang ‘em up. That’s what happened with the Expos. The 4,000 or so in attendance every night were treated to a team that because they were owned by the rest of the league, had no chance of competing game in and game out because nowhere were they allowed to spend any money on any players (Omar Minaya actually did a pretty good job at fielding a competitive team during this era, the Expos almost made it as a wild card team in 2003) and they also played 25% of their home games 3000 miles away in Puerto Rico!? Oh and just to add insult to injury, while the fans (what was left of them) in Montreal got to see their team stumble to the finish line in ’03, the team that beat them out in the wild card went on to win the World Series. That team, the Jeffrey Loria-owned Florida Marlins. Having to deal with all of that would probably make me get married three times.

4. Bill Wirtz, Chicago Blackhawks (until 2007)

5. Harold Ballard, Toronto Maple Leafs (until 1990)

Number 4 and 5 are pretty close, actually both men did similar damage to their teams’ images during their final days. Ballard chopped his team up in the 80s, avoided signing big free agents, tried to avoid European players altogether (Borje Salming had to be signed while Ballard was in JAIL!) and like Jacobs cared more about making money than winning. The Leafs had 13 straight losing seasons during his tenure, but at least Ballard never did anything directly to the fans.

Wirtz also cared little about putting a productive team on the ice, which explains letting Ed Belfour, Jeremy Roenick and others leave town in the mid ‘90s. Seriously, the early 90’s Blackhawk teams were stacked. Great goaltending (Hasek was the backup!), a stellar crop of forwards and a punishing defence core. (The Chicago Blackhawk team on NHL ’94 was just one you didn’t wanna mess with, that tandem of Steve Smith and Chris Chelios would deliver hits that would have the crowd meter broken within a few minutes of the puck drop) but Wirtz did one thing that not even Ballard dared to do, or thought of doing because it would have meant impending death: He demanded that Blackhawks home games not be shown on local TV because “it would be unfair to the season ticket holders”. Seriously? I mean, there’s outrage in Toronto because 15 or so games a year are only broadcast on Leafs TV and it’s an extra two dollars or so a month. But could you imagine what would happen if only CBC’s weekly Leafs game was the only time you could watch? Would the death toll be in the three digit range from the ensuing riots? The ‘Hawks have been around since the 20s (in fact they’re the only team with a longer Cup drought than Toronto) and until THIS SEASON would not be shown at home on local television. Is that the ultimate Mr. Burns sports owner moment of all time?

Luckily for Blackhawks fans, Wirtz passed away in ’07 and his son now runs things. The Hawks will now more than likely have the kind of run the Leafs had immediately following Ballard’s death. Leaf fans have a new owner and unlike those of Boston or Chicago, this owner is a faceless corporation. I promised myself I wouldn’t get into it. Resisting urge…resisting. I will now smash a vase over my head.

Mini Column and NFL week 3!

I had the plate. I was ready. I’ve only ever tossed a plate at the TV once (in early 1997 when Jacksonville scored another TD to make it 30-19 after Denver had finished 13-3 and was poised to make a Super Bowl run. That plate, much like the Broncos that afternoon, crashed into a hundred pieces, some of which I’m certain are embedded into my parents basement carpet, so wear your slippers Jordan) but was very close to making it two ceramic discs if Denver did not convert that two point conversion last Sunday. I understand Mike Shanahan’s thinking. “Hey, we should’ve already lost this game (totally a botched call by Hoculi, oh well) we’re playing with house money right now, the Chargers have no time outs left, so they’ll be unprepared for this, so lets go for it and run the exact same play we just scored on.” I do no know at what moment I released the plate from my hands, but I do now it has survived and is in the cupboard with his brothers.

Denver missing that two point conversion would have been the ending to what was a disastrous week 2 for the SportsOne. My fantasy team (The Trampoline Bear) was trounced by a guy who had three Dallas Cowboys players on Monday night (I had one) and therefore I was the Jenna Jameson to his Evan Stone (Tony Romo), Lexington Steele (Terrell Owens) and Obscure Guy #3 who’d just be happy to be in on the fun. (Nick Folk). Both of my Pro-Line tickets went for naught after New Orleans couldn’t get it done in the fourth quarter, and Arizona all of a sudden could not stop Miami from breaking the under. So at least Denver getting a horrible call in their favour and beating down San Diego into the bottom of the division with Kansas City was something to be happy about. Also, now that Ed Hochuli has been “downgraded” and might not referee anymore this year, is it too late to promote ACC ref Ron Cherry? (Arguably the greatest personal foul explanation of all time!)

There were so many things happening this off week, let’s just get right to the picks. Home teams as always are in CAPS

FALCONS (-5.5) vs Chiefs

Hands up if you had both the Falcons AND U of T being 2-1 after week 3? Yeah me neither. Herm Edwards is somehow still coaching in the NFL in Kansas City. At least Oakland and St. Louis have Lane Kiffin and Scott Linehan, both of whom are adequately placed, but people are shocked when they hear that Edwards is still in Kansas City. It seems like he should have left (got fired) long ago. In the immortal words of Chief Wiggum when his tie got stuck in the hot dog rollers “Oh God, this is gonna get worse before it gets better.”

BILLS (-9) vs Raiders

The Bills walked into Jacksonville and beat the Jags sending them to 2-0 and on top of the AFC East along with

New England. Both the Pats and the Bills have almost the exact same schedule and obviously play each other twice, one in Week 10 in New England and then in week 17 in Buffalo. The way they’re playing and the cookie cutter schedule in front of them, it’s possible they could be 8-0 for that Week 10 clash. On the flip side, I love how Lane Kiffin fire watch is like a daily event now. It hasn’t been this good since good ol’ JFJ!

TITANS (-5) vs Texans

There are zero away favourites this week which is odd, considering usually one or two squeak by. Not much is known about this Texan team, who had their bye week last week because of Hurricane Ike Turner. Meanwhile, the best thing to have happened to this Tennessee team is Kerry Collins. I’m about to sound like Joe Theisman now. “He just knows how to play QB.” Sometimes just saying it like it is gets the job done. All of a sudden the Titans are about to go to 3-0 while the Jags and Colts will battle and could both be 1-2. Maybe 2008 really IS the year of the moustache! Take the Titans to cover at home.

Bengals (+13.5) vs GIANTS

The Giants mercifully beat the Rams in St Louis last weekend but remember it was a 7 point game until the Rams remembered they want the No 1 overall pick next April. The G-Men are still the 3^rd best team in their own division however, and I’m not picking the Bungles to win this one, but 13.5 is a ton of points and I still think Palmer is due for a good game. Meanwhile TJ Houshmanzadeh has become maybe the worst fantasy pick of the year, it actually makes me wanna bench him. There, done! Go Trampoline Bear!

REDSKINS (-3) vs Cardinals

As previously mentioned, the Cards screwed me last week by being unable to stop Miami’s run and gun offence late in the 4^th quarter. Considering that Washington was able to stop the Saints when they had to last week, and the face that Arizona hasn’t beaten the Skins in DC since Willie Aames was cool (was he ever really cool though?) leads me to believe that Jason Campbell and company can get it done. (Although part of me is really REALLY hoping the Cards can continue to score and blow opponents out. The Greatest Show on Turf 2 would be upon us, with only Warner being the constant. It would be like when Saved By The Bell returned and only Screech was left! Ok maybe not as cool as that but still, it would be great to see is all I’m saying)

Dolphins (+12.5) vs NEW ENGLAND

I’m curious as to what the line would be if the Pats were 2-0 and still had Tom Brady at QB. Would it be like those college football lines where LSU is favoured by 33 over Ball State? I really don’t think the Pats are going to blow anyone out this year; I don’t think they’re going to miss the playoffs but I see a lot of well played 20-14 type games in their future and this is one of them. Oh, and Randy Moss tantrum watch is officially on!

Bucs (+3) vs BEARS

Ooo. Can you feel the excitement? It’s Ex-Bear Brian Griese against the man who stole his job: Kyle Orton. Or as I would put it: Sunday we’re about to answer the question of “KY vs Griese”. I still don’t think the Bears are anything better than a six win team and Tampa, much like New England are decent enough as long as someone competent is playing under the center. Bucs to win on the road.

Panthers (+3) vs VIKINGS

My NFL magazine states that “Gus Frerotte is the best backup option the Vikings have had in 3 years”. Anytime a preview mag goes out of its way to mention the backup QB you know the guy starting has problems. Why didn’t we all see this coming? Adrian Peterson might get to 1000 yards by week 7 and Minnesota might start 0-5. Seriously, after this they’re at Tennesee and at New Orleans. Carolina meanwhile gets Steve Smith back this week so give them a puncher’s chance. (Get it? Steve Smith? Puncher’s? Har har har)

Rams (+9) vs SEAHAWKS

So let me get this straight. The Hawks were favored by 7 against the 49ers and lost, so now they’re favoured by 9 against albeit a worse team in the Rams? I don’t for a minute think the Rams will come out of soggy Seattle 1-2, but remember before the wheels fell off in the 4^th against the Giants last week they were only down 7. Seattle on the other hand hasn’t been able to stop anyone from scoring on them. Seattle is really on the verge of becoming a full blown Siberia of American sports. The basketball team relocated, there’s no college football to really get excited about, both their NFL and MLB teams are light years away from anything else in the league and they have weather unlike that of anywhere else in the country. Oh and that futuristic monorail. To think, everyone wanted to move there in 1991.

49ERS (-4.5) vs Lions

½ price wings at JT O’Sullivans! That’d be pretty much the only reason to watch this game. The Niners however, are on the verge of being over .500 for what will be the only time this season (@NO, vs NE and @Phi are coming up). I’m waiting for the NFL to mysteriously delete all remnants of Detroit’s 6-2 start last year, because let’s face it: It didn’t really happen did it? It was like New Jersey’s first Stanley Cup, it just didn’t happen. Lions fall to 0-3 and Matt Millen begins preparation on another WR draft pick.

Saints (+5.5) vs BRONCOS

The over/under on this game is 51. In my opinion that’s not nearly high enough because this game could be 48-46 by the end of it. I like the Broncos to win the game outright because they’re playing at home and Mike Shanahan has probably been drilling his team all week that they should really be 1-1, but 5.5 is huge for a game that will go back and fourth like this, so I’m taking the Saints with the points. My buddy Jared is the only Saints fan I know, and if the Saints win this game I’ll be hearing about it all week so let’s get some pregame revenge started shall we? Good luck on Sunday Jared.

EAGLES (-3.5) vs Steelers

This one could be a huge game. We have two of the most underrated QBs in the league (Rothlisberger, who most fantasy guys had 6^th on the depth chart, and McNabb who even I thought was done), two of the best RBs in the league (Westbrook and Parker) and both teams have above average receivers. The Eagles are smarting from letting that game in Dallas get away from them on Monday. Pittsburgh meanwhile seemed happy just to make out of Cleveland (I remember being very happy when I left Cleveland too). They did not play well. Take Philly to cover.

Jaguars (+4.5) vs COLTS

Neither team has looked good this year. Neither of these teams appear to be able to run the ball. Joseph Addai who was a breakout star last year is on pace for Tim Biakabutuka numbers and Manning has been getting lots of “manning face” time already and we’re only week 3 in. This game should be close, so I’m taking the Jags with the points although with the Titans getting Houston this week, this is a huge game for both teams. A Jax loss pretty much ends it for them at 0-3. I see that coming.

Browns (+3) vs RAVENS

Cleveland is in full blown panic mode. The sexy pick (I picked them too) to do some damage in the AFC is at risk and with Cincinnati next week have a chance to be 2-2 going into their bye week. Two weeks ago Baltimore played well enough to win against the aforementioned Bengals but the Browns offence is better than Cincinnati’s, so with all things considered I think Cleveland needs this game more than Baltimore and sneaks out with a win. On the flip side, how about both of the in-teams to make playoff runs this year being 0-3 to start? There was easily as much hype about both the Browns and Jags at the beginning of the season as there was of the sitcom Joey, wasn’t there? No? Ok then.

PACKERS (-3) vs Cowboys

Why is every game a 3 point spread this week? This is the fifth 3 and we also had a 3.5. This is the only one I’m very uneasy about. I think the Cowboys are the better team, but they’re on a short week and playing in Green Bay and the love affair with Aaron Rodgers keeps getting bigger and bigger. On another note, this game runs concurrently with the Primetime Emmy’s, which I’ll be having in my PIP just to see if Jon Hamm gets his due. There’s a legitimate man-crush forming on the lead from Mad Men. It’s not a Rafa status yet, but it’s closing in on Ovechkin country.

Jets (+9) vs CHARGERS

The Chargers will win this game. The Jets however will be in the game and won’t lose by double digits. The biggest question is whether or not LT will be able to do any rushing with that bad foot. He hasn’t looked good all year and has so far been upstaged by Darren Sproles (370 all purpose yards last week?!). All I know is that Brett Favre loves playing on Monday Night Football and will be very anxious to make up for last week. The Chargers also can’t afford to go 0-3 and look for Norv Turner to storm the field if an interference call goes against him late. (This HAS to happen doesn’t it? Favre gets every call anyways, and it’s SD! I’m really rooting for this.)

Last Week: 6-9

Season: 16-15

Baseball roundup and Oddz and Endz!

You know that final game in Teen Wolf, where Michael J Fox decides he doesn’t want to wolf it up for the final game against the Dragons and instead he and his team mates play the championship game as a team instead of a one man show? The movie shows the final game where Fox, Francis from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and the rest of his team heroically over come huge odds to hang with a team that already beat them earlier in the film 71-12. Add to it the ongoing history between Fox’s character Scott Howard and the star of the opposing team Nick, and you have a classic formulaic 80s sports movie climax.

After the montage (which blatantly shows Fox making the same lay up over and over) he gets fouled by Nick with the game on the line. Will he make the free throws, sending his home crowd into a frenzy and ultimately winning over the pretty blonde girl who until this point was Nick’s girl? Or will he throw up two consecutive bricks, letting his team down and then not be picked by a Division I school because he decided not to be TW for the final game? OF COURSE he’ll make them both. Of course he will. He also won’t pick the pretty blonde girl, instead going over to his semi attractive friend of 10+ years who like the pretty blonde girl was never seen in movies again. Basically what I’m saying is, you knew exactly how it was going to turn out. All the late excitement, the drama, the storylines, it didn’t matter: Scott Howard’s team was going to win. End of story. It’s the end of the 2008 baseball season, and this analogy perfectly sums up the Toronto Blue Jays.

The collective thoughts of Jays fans all across Canada yesterday afternoon was the same: Gregg Zaun still plays in Toronto? Amazingly as it seems, Zaun did play against the Rays and hit a 13th inning grand slam(!?) to extend the Jays winning streak to 7 games in what has to be the most shocking home run in my memory since I served one up to my 10 year old brother in 1996 and he promptly hit it over the house. (I beaned him the next pitch so I got my revenge; also we used a little plastic ball, so he wasn’t hurt too bad). After the ball went over the fence, and Zaun raised his arm in triumph like a super hero, Jays fans at the Skydome went nuts and begun their celebration. Lost in all of this is the fact that while Zaun’s GS was of the walk off variety and must be a season highlight for him (whatever AAA team he plays for next year will be glad to have that once a year spark in their lineup) is that despite the drama and excitement of this winning streak, it doesn’t matter. The Jays will once again not be in the playoffs, so though the last week has been a nice somewhat ending to a mediocre season, it means very little. We know how it’s going to end for Canada’s Team.

That’s not to say that there isn’t a ton of things to be sorted out in the League before September 28. Somebody still has to win the NL West (I really hope the winner has a sub .500 record and goes to the World Series. It would be amazing to hear the cries coming out of Chicago. “They didn’t even win 81 games! It’s not fair! We were the best team for 6 months!!” There are certain things that need to stay the same and the Cubs losing is one of them). Both Wild Cards are pretty much locked in at this point, however the Red Sox and Brewers still have their sights on the Division crown. The AL Central, in a battle of teams nobody seems to care about, (is there a more useless division in all of sports? Does anyone outside out of the cities in that division care at all about them? Name the 2005 World Series champions right off the top of your head. Took a minute to remember the White Sox didn’t it?) is separated by only 2.5 games and the NL East showdown between the Mets and Phillies should go right down to the wire. It’s actually a tough decision for sports fans tonight: Do we watch the Bears and Colts play in Indianapolis as Manning and company open up their new stadium in what is poised to be a 27-3 blowout? Or do they watch the final game of the Phi-NYM series which after today’s afternoon makeup game (rain out yesterday) could close the gap between the two teams to one? It’s like when Frasier went up against Home Improvement in the mid 90s. Oh decisions, decisions.

So with there only being 3 weeks left before the AL and NL Division Series get under way here are seven things I really want to see the rest of the season.

Tampa Bay at Boston 09/08 – 09/10
Boston at Tampa Bay 09/15 – 09/17

Unbelievably these two teams play each other six more times before the end of the season, and then could very well play in the ALCS in October. It’s hard to imagine the Rays having bad blood with any team especially the Red Sox considering they’ve been so bad for so long (it’d be like this huge beef between Martin Prince and Ralph Wiggum; there just shouldn’t be any reason they should ever have any common ground to fight over) but there is definitely something going on between these two teams and the next week and a half should be dynamite baseball watching. It’d be nice to see Kevin Youkilis get thrown at by someone other than Joba for once.

White Sox at NYY 09/16

This won’t be the day that the Yanks are 100% eliminated from post season play, the first time Derek Jeter will miss the postseason, but this should at least close the coffin. It will be nice not having to listen to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver talk about the ghosts of Yankee Stadium this fall. Also, I’m really hoping that frustration spills out of the clubhouse and Jeter and A Rod get into a heated debate over who was better Mariah or Madonna. (it’s gotta be Mariah doesn’t it? Even if the was crazy at the time? It’s a no brainer right?)

Josh Hamilton

Now that Carlos Quentin pulled a Gus Frerotte and injured himself to end his season, the door is open for Hamilton to regain the HR crown, which would not only cement his “Comeback Player of the Year” award, but also give him two jewels of the triple crown, despite having only 30 RBI’s since the All Star break. Call it the Alex Rios syndrome. It’d be a nice ending to the story if he could hit six down the stretch and become the AL HR Champ.

Adam Dunn making it into the No 4 position, giving the Diamondbacks 3 of the top 4 whiffers in baseball.

Somehow, Arizona ended up with guys who can strike out. Going into the last 3 weeks, the number 2, 3 and 5 leaders in batting K’s come from the same lineup, and this lineup could actually make the playoffs! Nobody is going to catch Ryan Howard, as he’s 40 up on No 2, but it would still be a landmark way to end the campaign. Does Elias even know the last time this happened?

NY Yankees at Toronto 09/23 – 09/25

Not just on TV, but at the ballpark. This is the last home series of the season for the Jays and it couldn’t come against a more fitting opponent. I urge all of you, if you have a chance, pay 9 bucks and go down and slurp one of these games up. I just want to be there when the entire crowd belts out a rendition of “The Mediocre Polka”. Look for zero Yankees fans to attend these games. Ya’ll got nothing on us this year!! (it’s taken 15 years but that actually felt pretty good to say)

F Rod getting his record breaking 58th save of the season, passing Bobby Thigpen.

It’s almost a foregone conclusion that it is going to happen. Rodriguez is at 54 and the Angels have 20 games left. Here’s how I hope it happens. Friday September 26th against Texas he’s still stuck on 57 and time is running out. It’s the top of the 6th and LA is up 8-0 and Rodriguez is pleading with his manager to send him out there to get the last 8 outs of the game, which would give him save number 58, thus breaking the record. Scioscia gives in and F Rod goes out and throws 65 pitches, getting the save but rendering him useless for the entire ALDS against the Red Sox! What a story that would be. It would be like when Bob Sura intentionally missed a shot to grab his own rebound thus giving him a third straight triple double! Like a wise man once said, there maybe no I in team, but there definitely is a “me”.

Chicago Cubs at Milwaukee 09/26 – 09/28

Unless the Brewers keep losing, this series should be the showdown to anoint the NL Central crown. It’ll be the hottest ticket in baseball that weekend and could even mean the loser is out of the playoffs (although the Wild Card winner more than likely will come out of the NL Central). Hopefully CC Sabathia goes out that weekend and in the biggest game of the season gets shelled. Something like 1 1/3 IP, 9H, 8ER, 1 SO and 2BB. That would end all this Cy Young talk and give it to Webb where it belongs. Also, there is a ZERO percent chance the Cubs sweep the Brew Crew in Milwaukee again.


Odds and Ends

Tankapolooza update!

The Maple Leafs and Panthers were finally able to finalize their trade this past week, with the Panthers sending Mike Van Ryn to Toronto for Bryan McCabe and a 4th round draft pick. This is further evidence that Tankopolooza is real. I mean, really?! McCabe for Van Ryn wasn’t enough? Florida needed the Leafs to throw in a draft pick as well? The Panthers are getting a top 2 defenceman who has been at the very least an alternate captain everywhere he has played and giving up a guy who has been a career bust and scored less than 20 points last year and still that wasn’t good enough. This is like a lunchtime trade where one guy gives up his dried apricots for a twix bar but also wants money to buy more dried apricots later. Fletcher was desperate to make his team worse, and this just cements it. Well played by the crafty veteran GM.

NBA News!

The Seattle I mean, Oklahoma basketball team finally unveiled their new nickname it it’s the Thunder. An interesting choice, however at least they didn’t just keep the old nickname and transfer cities like some other teams have done. The LA Lakers? The Utah Jazz? The New Orleans Hornets doesn’t sound as bad because by the 90’s teams had stopped putting a ton of thought into their team’s nicknames. The Thunder though? Calling a team a sound which scares little kids might sound like a good idea, but its not that menacing a name (although its not the worst name in sports by any stretch, that distinction still goes to the Minnesota Wild). This nickname should’ve been introduced 15 years ago, and then Dikembe Mutumbo would have HAD to play for the Thunder, because if thunder could talk, you know it would sound just like him. “You don’t get to shoot the ball over me ok!”

A New Book?

Seriously, we as a society have reached the point where we are officially finished caring about any and everything that has to do with not only Britney but her family in general. Now her mom has a tell all book coming out and we’re supposed to be interested that Brit lost her V card when she was in 9th grade to some guy she was supposedly in love with. It’s done, the love affair is finally over. Now we can finally put to rest that the family was not anything more than a white trash group from the deep south, no different than the 16 year old somewhat skanky girls who attend the county fair in Wallaceburg. Britney porn video: it’s the last logical thing to happen. We’ve been waiting 7 years for it, it’s gotta be coming!

Michael Phelps on SNL!

It’s confirmed. The season premiere of SNL will have Michael Phelps as its host. Although season premieres of the show are usually awful (LeBron James or Steve Carell anyone?) sometimes they work (Dane Cook). Hopefully Phelps will be more like Peyton Manning and less like LeBron, although he’d be hard pressed to top the greatest athlete skit of all time: Joe Montana’s role as Sincere Guy Stu in 1986. There HAS to be a way to view this online by now. HAS to be!


Ok everybody, this is a huge day for sports fans: 13 NFL games, some meaningful baseball games, and my boy Rafa playing the rest of his US Open semifinals today at 5. I’m off to check it out. Enjoy Week 1! GO TRAMPOLINE BEAR!

82-0 and NFL week 2!

I just got off of the phone with my brother Jordan and discussed not only the Brady injury but also Week 1 in general, and ended up agreeing that with the Pats a normal team again, the Colts and Bolts looking subpar on Sunday and the Jags offence in shreds, that suddenly the AFC is a free for all. The Bills, Jets, Steelers and dare I say it, my Broncos look like they could take their divisions and possibly go deep into the playoffs. The NFC is not as wide open and is pretty much what we thought with two differences: The Lions and Rams were as bad as either of us had seen in a long time. I mean the Rams offence was 2001 Dallas Cowboys bad (remember that dynamic 1-2 punch of Quincy Carter and Clint Stoerner at QB?) and the Lions just got run over as if the Falcons truck was being driven by Billy Joel. But at least they didn’t lose 82-0 in a women’s Olympic Hockey Qualifying game.

Yes, you read that right. Slovakia 82, Bulgaria 0. 139-0 in shots. Somehow, 57 of those shots did not find their way into the back of the net. Bulgaria, never the hotbed of hockey in either gender, kept the score tied for a few seconds in the first period but after the first goal went in the floodgates opened and before the period was over it was 31-0. 51 more goals followed and when it was finally and mercifully over it was an 82-0 win for the Slovaks. This prompts more than a few questions into the SportsOne’s head, but more on that in a minute. With the win, Slovakia qualified for the Olympic Qualification Tournament, which is kind of like a second job interview. You pleased the sweet thirty-something red head woman, now you have to impress the “man hating 45 year old recently divorced and now taking her job way too seriously because it’s all she has” Junior Executive. In other words, not so fast you Slovaks. The mighty Japanese as well as Team Kazakhstan are waiting for you in the second round.

As I said, a few issues go on in my head,

1. Why 82? Why not try for 100? It’s only 18 more goals, or 25% more than where you’re at. I mean, if Gretzky can get nine goals in two games for 50 in 39, certainly this team could’ve reached 100. 82 is nice, but 100 is three digits, that is something that would’ve been talked about for years. Perhaps at or around 60-0 the players started hot dogging it and trying insane passing plays and tic tac toe plays with the notion that “You know what? We’re F---ing Slovakia! Try and take the puck. You no get this!!” Yeah, that’s gotta be why 100 escaped them. (Could you imagine if you were on the Slovak team and did not get a goal in this game? Would they ever let you live that down? It would be like being the guy who cast Rosie O’Donnell in Exit to Eden…shudders) Oh well, next time.

2. How come the game continued at all? I don’t mean for a minute that this game should’ve been stopped. What I mean is, at what point do all 12 women on the ice just concede the fact that it’s 40-0, Bulgaria’s not coming back, let’s just all sit on the blue line and chat and wait out the clock. Sure, the dozen or so fans will end up

paying to watch a foodless picnic (assuming they actually were charged in the first place!), but who cares? Did Slovakia really need those extra 42 goals? I know they faced stiff goal differential competition from Latvia (who only beat Bulgaria 39-0) but still. On the other hand, who among us wouldn’t want an extra 42 goals? I know I wouldn’t mind if my team had 42 extra goals thrown their way at some point. Still should’ve reached 100.

3. There are two things I want from this game. One: I want video of the entire game. All 82 goals. I want Pierre McGuire to discuss every goal and break them down as to who botched the coverage in the defensive end, why the player was open and what could’ve been done to stop it. And I want him to do it in his “the arena is going bonkers and I have to shout louder than I normally shout” voice. Two: I want a written transcript of the 1^st intermission pep talk of the Bulgarian Coach. I really hope it went something like the SNL skit where Will Forte introduces his players to the theme from “Casino Royale” in order to get them pumped up to mount a great comeback (possibly the funniest 4 minutes on the show this decade). Do you think the backup goalie started period two? “Uh, look Katelin we’re gonna try Jukka in net this time ok? Nothing personal.” Also, the coach needs to go on the record like Ozzie Guillen and just call out every one of his players. Drop some F-bombs in there, call them all bitches or something. Get his team motivated!

4. What it must have been like (assuming there was a crowd there) to be a Bulgarian supporter, only to have half sloshed Slovaks sitting in front of you, and then every 44 seconds turning around to give it to you because your team got scored on again. How this didn’t turn into a melee like that Simpsons episode where Bart and Lisa’s team tie and the crowd just starts trashing the arena. There HAD to have been at least one spectator fight in this game. Which leads to my fifth ponder.

5. At what point do the Bulgarian girls lose it and start deliberately trying to take out the Slovak players. There isn’t any body checking in women’s hockey, which makes sense if you think about it. (This is what they need to do in women’s basketball, impose a simple rule change which makes it a tiny bit different than the mens game to make it more compelling to watch. Install eight foot nets instead of the standard ten footers. All of a sudden you go from having a game consisting of nothing but jump shots to a game in which the possibility of a crazy dunk might take place! Ok, I’m getting way too excited talking about women’s basketball. I’m sorry) Somewhere in the second period of a 48-0 ass kicking you’d think the Bulgarians would just go crazy, like the Canadians and Soviets did during the 1987 World Juniors. Imagine 44 female hockey players just punching each other’s lights out at centre ice. Ok, it sounds better than it probably is.

6. What do the girls who didn’t make the Bulgarian team think now? They’re either thinking “Haha Suck it!” (Much like everyone here who isn’t a New England Patriots supporter) or, “I need to practice and get on this team next time around, I want to be the one to spoil an 82-0 shutout!” (Actually, Bulgaria somehow lost to Croatia 30-1, which boggles the mind as to how this team actually got a goal. It had to have gone in off the goalie, or a defencewoman, or maybe in an unprecedented trash talk moment, the Croatian coach bellowed “Oh yeah? Well my team of power plant workers can crush your team of shepherds daughters even if we spot you a GOAL!” to which they did, and then of course the wheels fell off the bus.)

Now that that’s out of the way, onto Week 2!

Saints (+1) vs SKINS

Washington looked awful on Thursday night. New Orleans looked good against the Bucs on Sunday, so naturally Vegas has the Skins favoured right? It doesn’t matter that Washington is having their first home game this weekend, they have huge issues all over the field. Even though the Saints just lost Colston for a month, Reggie Bush looked like Roger Craig in Tecmo Bowl on Sunday. He could run, catch, break tackles. He was the one man power team they thought they were getting when they drafted him two years ago. New Orleans will be okay,

especially against Jim Zorn and the Skins. Take the Saints on the road.

VIKINGS (+2) vs Colts

Indy is so overrated this week its laughable. This team got crushed by a Bears team that most of us thought was over the hill on defence (Urlacher still has that “I’m gonna beat up you and your dad” look to him) and completely inept on offence (Kyle Orton still isn’t much). The Vikings meanwhile went into a crazy Green Bay and almost crept out with a win. Much like Doc Halladay getting shelled for hits against the White Sox at the moment, I don’t know what to make of this Indy team. Is Harrison done? Will Dallas Clark be ready for week 2? Can a center REALLY be that valuable in football? Am I out of questions to ask for this game? No? Ok, yes.

Titans (+1) vs BENGALS

This is the third straight game I’m taking the underdog. Why? Because this is the third straight game in which the wrong team is favoured. Cincy looked awful on Sunday. Carson Palmer looked like the second coming of Akili Smith. TJ Houshmanzadeh was garbage for my fantasy points (4??) and Marvin Lewis looks like he might be fired before OUR Thanksgiving. The Titans meanwhile have handed the reigns over to Kerry Collins, who is actually a decent QB. Sure, he’s as mobile as a zamboni but still a step up from all of a sudden crazy Vince Young (there’s a total breakdown coming here, one day he’s just gonna go Ryan Leaf on us and start swearing and yelling at every person with a camera around).

LIONS (+3) vs Packers

I picked against the Pack last week, and although Aaron Rogers played OK, I still want to see how he does on the road before I officially put him in the “Possible Steve Young” category. For now he stays in “Brian Griese” territory. The Lions meanwhile, got spanked by the Falcons and will want to make amends for that. Plus these teams have split the last 7 played in Detroit with the Pack winning the last two, time for the Lions to tame Rogers.

RAMS (+9) vs Giants

Nine points at home vs the Giants? Yes, the Rams were horrible in week one. The guy I was playing against had McNabb as his QB and was killing me heading into the second half of the early games so yes friends, the Rams stink. I don’t care what anyone says, the Giants are not good enough to go anywhere this season and win by double digits. They won’t lose the game, they just won’t win by 10. On a side bar, it’s fun having the Rams to kick around the league again. We nearly lost Cincy and now they’re back too! We missed you guys!

CHIEFS (-3) vs Raiders

I would puke if this was the only game my TV provider was showing me.

PANTHERS (-3) vs Bears

Based on what we saw last week, this should be a decent game. Based on what we care about both teams, this will be watched by very few people. I don’t think I’ve ever met a Carolina Panthers fan. I know some Bears fans, and they’re waiting to see if last weeks win was a total fluke. I think it was. Panthers go to 2-0.

JAGUARS (-5.5) vs Bills

With Brady done, this is a big game for Buffalo. A win on the road in Jax will have them thinking they can not only hang with the big boys but possibly win the division come December. Jacksonville’s running game was obsolete against Tennessee in week one. They need to get some long drives to keep the Bills offence (Really??) off the field. I think they do, this one is close throughout but Jax scores a TD late to make it 20-10 and covers. Just a hunch.

BUCS (-7) vs Falcons

Remember that scene in Dazed and Confused, at the beer bash near the end, where Mike wants to fight Clint and spends the whole party thinking his best course of action is to just get in the first good punch, play defence and wait for the rest of the people to break it up? That’s what the Falcons did. They spent their entire preseason waiting for that one good punch against Detroit and got it, and now they have nothing left because they’re not going to surprise anyone anymore. Clint kicked Mike’s ass. The Bucs do the same at home. (On a side note, I just wikipedia’d the movie and O’Bannion’s first name is Fred! Who knew??)

49ers (+7????????) vs SEAHAWKS

Ok let me get this straight. The ‘Hawks get dumped in Buffalo, I mean clobbered (think Mike Tyson vs any of those white boxers he faced in the mid 80s) and are STILL giving a touchdown at home? San Francisco granted is not very good, but Seattle’s QB has a herniated disc in his back and missing their top FOUR receivers! San Fran won’t win the game, but I can’t see Seattle being a TD favourite. Not with the shape of their team.

TEXANS (-4.5) vs Ravens

This has sucker game written all over it. The Ravens just played like their 2000 team against the Bengals and the Texans just played like the Texans against the Steelers. So naturally the Ravens should win this game right? The fact remains, neither of these teams are very good. Flacco (who hands down wins the “Ackward White Guy Runner of the Year” award for 2008) played alright in his first game, but he had the crowd behind him and the most dysfunctional team in recent memory playing on the other side of the line of scrimmage. I think Mario Williams introduces Flacco to NFL football this weekend and goes crazy, like 4 sacks. Also while I’m thinking about it, isn’t the NFL obligated to make Cincy the team featured on its Hard Knocks TV show next season? I mean this could become the greatest reality show of all time. It’d be like Survior meets Big Brother meets The Two Coreys meets 7 Lives Exposed! We could follow the team through the practices, to the hotel, to the strip club etc. It would be amazing! Let’s get a letter going, HBO needs to take this into consideration!

Dolphins (+6) vs CARDINALS

I admit, I didn’t watch much of the NYJ/Mia game last week because of the Bucs/Saints thriller going on in New Orleans. I also didn’t watch the Arz/SF game because it was Arz/SF. As much as I think the Cardinals will win this game, I think it’ll be a tight one, maybe 13-9 for Arizona. Hopefully they have Edgerrin James and Ricky Williams together at halftime for an exciting round of “Did you ever in a million years think your career would turn into this?”

Patriots (+1.5) vs JETS

It’s amazing what a few days can do. Monday afternoon, myself much like everybody I talked to thought the Pats were done. No Brady = no wins. Well, they won’t win 14 games anymore, but they’re still the Pats and Belichick is still the best coach of the last 10 years. I’m not saying that Matt Cassell will deliver .650 with 3TD’s, but the system has always worked and they’re not exactly going up against a great team on Sunday. The Favre show was nice this weekend, but the Jets still won because of a ridiculous pass that under no circumstances should’ve been caught. That’s why Brett Favre is who he is though. For him it’s a TD, for Jake Plummer it’s an INT and TD the other way. Still think the Pats can overcome for this week. Did the Jets go out and sign Morten Anderson to a 3 game contract yet?

BRONCOS (+1.5) vs Chargers

This is a huge game because a win gives the Broncos not only a huge confidence boost but also a two game lead on a team who just lost their best defensive player to an injury for the rest of the season. The Chargers did not impress last week. They didn’t deserve to win the game anyway, but they still should’ve won it the way they came back in the 4^th quarter. The Broncos DID impress, but it’s hard to say whether that was because they’re actually good or the Raiders just look like a farm team. (Seriously how has Al Davis NOT shot anyone by now.) I’m taking the Broncos to squeak by, although LT didn’t look good last week and will be looking to run rampant all over the Broncos defensive line. Hmm decisions, decisions.

Steelers (-6) vs BROWNS

I know, I know. Just last week I proclaimed Cleveland ready to take the AFC North away from Pittsburgh. I didn’t count on two things: One, Cleveland’s defence being VERY bad. Dallas pwned them last week, and even though the ‘Boys have one of the better offences in the league, I didn’t think the Browns would let them dictate the way they did. Two: With the Patriots all of a sudden an ordinary team again, and with the Colts and Chargers losing last week, the Steelers have the chance to be the best team in the AFC now, and Sunday night will be their coming out party. Parker is licking his chops at this Browns defence. He finally remembered how to score TD’s last week and should get at least one more this weekend. GO TRAMPOLINE BEAR!!!

09/15

COWBOYS (-7) vs Eagles

Dallas is good; “1993 Dallas” good. Philly is OK; “1993 Philly” OK. Take the ‘Boys here. I’m tired of writing.

Last week: 10-6-0

Season: 10-6-0