The men Matt Millen will never become...

Shh. Hear that sound? Wait for it. (Pop!) That’s the sound of thousands of Lions fans celebrating in their homes, on the streets, and in their offices nationwide today as word spreads that Detroit Lions president and CEO is no longer with the team. Even though it’s yet to be reported whether or not he stepped down or if fans’ dreams finally came true and he was fired, you get the feeling we’re all missing a great ticker-tape parade on the streets of downtown Detroit. You know what that means? It’s time to delve into who is the worst GM/Owner in sports!

First some ground rules. Only recent GM’s will be on the list (So no Harry Franzee who sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920). It’s hard enough scouring through 30 years of sports history. Secondly, only GM/Owners who had an effect in the day to day running of their teams are considered. Absentee owners who just let their teams run into the ground (like David Glass, owner of the Royals) will not be present on this list. Thirdly, this list is by no means official, so please don’t get pissed and write me angry emails because your teams owner or GM isn’t on it. Lastly, championships trump everything. For instance, in 1995 Yankees fans could have a gripe about George Steinbrenner because not only had the team not won the World Series since 1981, the team hadn’t even been to the playoffs in 15 years. Once they beat the Braves the following year, every Yank fan had to shut up. Plus, their team was forever immortalized on Seinfeld. (particularly when George was teaching Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams how to hit and poo-pooing their World Series win by reminding them that it took them six games to finish off Atlanta) Anyways on with the list.

1. Isaiah Thomas, GM and President of the New York Knicks (2003-07)

There’s a Price is Right You Tube clip where this guy horribly overbids on a clock. This pretty much sums up Isaiah’s tenure as GM of the Knicks. He was notorious for bringing in players with such inflated salaries that the effects of his moves will be felt against the salary cap until Shawn Kemp’s youngest illegitimate son is able to play college ball. (in other words, a longgg time) He was a saviour to the other GM’s in the league however. For example, when the Raptors desperately needed to unload Jalen Rose and his massive $17 million salary in 2006, they knew they could ship him off to Broadway. That’s what Madison Square Garden essentially became, a salary dump yard. Stephon Marbury, Rose, Steve Francis etc. The chants of “Fire Isaiah” were heard echoing through the halls of the Garden. Unlike those chants of Matt Millen however, Isaiah also screwed up his own legacy, which is why he tops this chart.

Before 1996 he was thought of as one of the greatest guards ever. He helped the Pistons win back to back championships during the little mini window where the Showtime Lakers lost a little bit and the Baby Bulls weren’t quite grown up yet. Everyone would agree he was a legend in the making. After GMing in Toronto for the Raptors (thankfully for him he got out just before the ship crashed into Center Island) he went over to NY and took a once proud fanbase and turned them totally against him. (How Thomas never got mugged in Manhattan is just mind boggling. He must have arrived to and from the Garden in one of those armoured Brinks vans right? There’s no question right??) But worst of all, now his legacy is totally tarnished. It’s hard to even envision him as a player. Just like it’s hard to envision a time when Tonya Harding was actually an athlete and not A) Getting her brains punched in by Paula Jones or B) the star of her own sex tape (arguably the worst “celeb” sex tape in history I think. Just goes to show though, that the good old white trash of America can still pull through for us when we need them. Come on Britney, your time is running out!) All anyone under the age of 30 will ever truly remember is how horribly he screwed up the NBA’s largest market, and his own image. Oh and he also sexually harassed a woman in 2005 and when he was fired in ‘08 was ordered not to go near any of the players on the Knicks team. (Kind of like how you just know Brian Austin Green has been ordered to stay away from the new 90210 series) Kudos Isaiah, you’re still No 1 on my list.

2. Jeremy Jacobs, Owner of the Boston Bruins (current)

I’m not sure what it’s like when everyone hates you, but I’m pretty sure that when a full fledged website entitled “Please Sell The Bruins” is launched, it’s not a good thing. There are similarities between Jacobs and another evil greedy type owner, the guy who used to own the Maple Leafs. Both men loved the game of hockey and would often be seen at the games cheering on their teams. Both men were concerned with maximizing profits. Both men were prepared to put a cheap nothing team on the ice with the assumption that every ticket would be sold and the fan base would never shrink. The problem with that No 3 point is that in Toronto it worked, but in Boston it has apparently blown up in his face and while the 2007-08 Bruins playoff team has the town somewhat buzzing about the team for the first time since Cheers went off the air, there have been dark days in Beantown lately. (Come to think of it, it could really be argued that the sports and entertainment territorial shift from Boston to New York happened that night in 1993 when Sam Malone locked up Cheers for the final time. Think about it, before then Boston sports fans had the Boston College miracle Doug Flutie hail mary pass, the Red Sox were still everyones lovable losers and got more headlines than the Yankees ever did, the Celtics were kings of the NBA while the Knicks were mediocre and the Bruins were in the Stanley Cup Finals two out of three years and in the semis two more years! And to top it off, Cheers was the No 1 show on TV. After Cheers left, the Bruins went into their dark stage, the Celtics fell apart, the Yankees got their swagger back and Seinfeld became the show of all shows. Also, the Rangers ended their 54 year Stanley Cup drought the very next year! If Boston was the city of the 80s, NYC was easily the city of the 90s)

The fact that many prominent sports writers and fans have been calling for changes only pushes the case further. It has to be said that there is a huge difference between what Jacobs has done and what MLSE has done: While MLSE has made a habit of not having any clue what to do with their top level franchise (until this year, when Fletcher has actually done a good job of putting a team on the ice that will serve as building blocks towards a better tomorrow. Prediction, Jeff Finger plays somewhere else after next season) Jacobs has made deals that probably would get him strangled in Toronto. The most famous of which was trading Joe Thornton to the Sharks for a nickel and two shiny new pennies. You can read more at the website, but you get the idea. Bill Simmons said it best when he said “I’m a hockey widower, and when I graduated college and realized I had spent more than two decades of my life rooting for a franchise that cared more about making a profit than winning a championship I had to cut the cord.” That pretty much sums up what a lot of fans in Boston have been saying for the better part of the last ten years. Maple Leaf fans got lucky in 1990, hopefully Bruins fans don’t have to get quite as lucky.

3. Jeffrey Loria, Montreal Expos (sold team to MLB in 2002)

Attempting to explain just what happened to the Expos during Loria’s tenure as owner is like being asked to describe what happened during a massive train wreck. The only conceivable answer is “Look at it. Does it really need explaining?” Of course it’s been argued that the 1994 MLB work stoppage ruined any chance the Expos had of retaining any kind of fan base in the city but still, by the end of the Expos era the situation became so ridiculous it was laughable. The team had young superstar after young superstar and one by one fans watched as they left for bigger and better things. My buddy Chad once spent almost an hour telling me of the brief history of the Expos and how everything that could’ve gone wrong for them did go wrong. By the late 90s, the team had become a feeder for the rest of the league: Develop talent, showcase it off to the rest of the teams during a season or two, and then once the entry level contracts were up, let other teams cherry pick and keep what they want. Do the Yankees win the ’96 World Series without John Wetteland? Do the Red Sox ever compete every season like they did from ’98-’04 without Pedro? How good would the Angels be right now without Vlad?

The point where the Expos became a farce happened in 2002 when Loria decided he wanted to run a different team (the Florida Marlins) and when he couldn’t find an owner to buy the dilapidated Expos, he inexplicably sold the team to the other 29 baseball owners. This would be like going to a party and finding out that you’re somehow related to every single girl there. There’s no chance for you tonight, bud, just hang ‘em up. That’s what happened with the Expos. The 4,000 or so in attendance every night were treated to a team that because they were owned by the rest of the league, had no chance of competing game in and game out because nowhere were they allowed to spend any money on any players (Omar Minaya actually did a pretty good job at fielding a competitive team during this era, the Expos almost made it as a wild card team in 2003) and they also played 25% of their home games 3000 miles away in Puerto Rico!? Oh and just to add insult to injury, while the fans (what was left of them) in Montreal got to see their team stumble to the finish line in ’03, the team that beat them out in the wild card went on to win the World Series. That team, the Jeffrey Loria-owned Florida Marlins. Having to deal with all of that would probably make me get married three times.

4. Bill Wirtz, Chicago Blackhawks (until 2007)

5. Harold Ballard, Toronto Maple Leafs (until 1990)

Number 4 and 5 are pretty close, actually both men did similar damage to their teams’ images during their final days. Ballard chopped his team up in the 80s, avoided signing big free agents, tried to avoid European players altogether (Borje Salming had to be signed while Ballard was in JAIL!) and like Jacobs cared more about making money than winning. The Leafs had 13 straight losing seasons during his tenure, but at least Ballard never did anything directly to the fans.

Wirtz also cared little about putting a productive team on the ice, which explains letting Ed Belfour, Jeremy Roenick and others leave town in the mid ‘90s. Seriously, the early 90’s Blackhawk teams were stacked. Great goaltending (Hasek was the backup!), a stellar crop of forwards and a punishing defence core. (The Chicago Blackhawk team on NHL ’94 was just one you didn’t wanna mess with, that tandem of Steve Smith and Chris Chelios would deliver hits that would have the crowd meter broken within a few minutes of the puck drop) but Wirtz did one thing that not even Ballard dared to do, or thought of doing because it would have meant impending death: He demanded that Blackhawks home games not be shown on local TV because “it would be unfair to the season ticket holders”. Seriously? I mean, there’s outrage in Toronto because 15 or so games a year are only broadcast on Leafs TV and it’s an extra two dollars or so a month. But could you imagine what would happen if only CBC’s weekly Leafs game was the only time you could watch? Would the death toll be in the three digit range from the ensuing riots? The ‘Hawks have been around since the 20s (in fact they’re the only team with a longer Cup drought than Toronto) and until THIS SEASON would not be shown at home on local television. Is that the ultimate Mr. Burns sports owner moment of all time?

Luckily for Blackhawks fans, Wirtz passed away in ’07 and his son now runs things. The Hawks will now more than likely have the kind of run the Leafs had immediately following Ballard’s death. Leaf fans have a new owner and unlike those of Boston or Chicago, this owner is a faceless corporation. I promised myself I wouldn’t get into it. Resisting urge…resisting. I will now smash a vase over my head.