Bizarro NFL Week 7!

In season two of South Park the kids watch a show called Fat Abbott, which is basically Fat Albert if Albert was a pimp. Basically all the show is are Abbott and the rest of the Cosby kids swearing at each other. Cartman watches a few episodes and says “What the hell is going on in this cartoon?” That, my friends, perfectly sums up the NFL season thus far. Nobody knows what to make of about half the teams. One week they’re way up (Washington beating Philly in Philly and Minnesota winning in New Orleans) and the next week they’re way down. (Rams beat Skins, Lions ALMOST win in Minny) With that in mind folks I bring you: Bizarro SportsOne. Bizarro SportsOne will make his picks with the current bizarre nature of the NFL in mind. My real picks will also appear and as always home teams in CAPS.

CHIEFS (+9.5) vs Titans

Bizarro SportsOne: Titans (-9.5) vs CHIEFS

The Chiefs have little to no offence and the Titans have a great defence, so those two should cancel each other out. The Titans on the other hand don’t have a great offence either as this one could be like one of those garbage 10-7 type games that the better teams always seem to win on the road. Think of the game in Baltimore a couple weeks ago for example. Is it possible we’ve reverted back to 2002 when the best team in the NFL (the Bucs) wasn’t the flashiest team in the NFL? Could the Titans win it all and yet be the most boring good team since the Ravens of 2000? It could happen, but they’re not a scoring threat so give the Chiefs the points. Bizarro SportsOne would like to remind everyone that this year the NFL is like post-crack Whitney: Nothing should shock us.

BILLS (PK) vs Chargers

Bizarro SportsOne: Chargers (PK) vs BILLS

The Chargers dumped the Pats last week on national TV in a game that I’m sure caused John Madden to take a nap during the 4^th quarter. Now that the Chargers are 3-3, they must travel across the country to Buffalo for a 1pm start this Sunday. West coast teams never fare well when they have to do that, or when they stay the extra week and play the Jets and turn it over 32 times in a quarter costing the SportsOne his week 3 Pro-Line ticket. With that in mind, the Bills are rested and looking go up two games in their division. LD still isn’t right (him and his stupid toe) and the Bills are hungry to score after being humbled in Arizona. Bizarro likes the Chargers because Norv Turner is a good coach. (Cue the MSN sarcastic smiley face)

BENGALS (+9.5) vs Steelers

Bizarro SportsOne: BENGALS (+9.5) vs Steelers

Willie Parker is still out for the Steelers who are another team coming off a bye this week. That means Mewelde (sounds like Animal from the Muppets: “Me Weld!”) Moore will get the start for Pittsburgh and that means pretty much nothing. The Bengals are horrid, but are at home playing against a Steeler team who has looked like the collected works of Ben Affleck: Great at times (Dazed and Confused and Dogma) and horrible at others (everything else). Meanwhile, Ocho Cinco feels he’s being punished for saying he wanted to be traded last summer. Really? You think Carson Palmer and his new backup want to keep hearing you complain? The fact remains the team still hasn’t won since that idiotic name change Chad. They won’t win this week either but should keep it close at home. Bizarro SportsOne predicts #85 scoring 2 TD’s and a Gatorade bath for Marvin Lewis….before halftime.

DOLPHINS (-3) vs Ravens

Bizarro SportsOne: DOLPHINS (-3) vs Ravens

The Fish are the ultimate Bizarro team this year. They rock the Pats and beat the Chargers, then lose to Houston. As my brother Jordan would text: WTF??? They return home to play a Ravens team which just got crushed against a Colts team that seemingly has found its way finally (Boo). Joe Flacco has thrown for one TD this season. Enough said. Bizarro takes the Dolphins on the notion that he’s not stupid enough to think this Ravens team can win on the road either. Meanwhile, it was announced a few weeks ago that Bruce Springsteen will perform at this years Super Bowl. So just to review, since the Nipplegate of 2004 we’ve had Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty and now The Boss. Huey Lewis HAS to be on deck right? It’s a no brainer right???

RAMS (+7.5) vs Cowboys

Bizarro SportsOne: Cowboys (-7.5) vs RAMS

Will he or won’t he play? That’s the question this week. Tony Romo has an injured pinkie finger (is there a more wuss sounding injury? It’s virtually impossible to throw a football without all five of your fingers working properly but still) and Brad Johnson could be called upon to come off the bench. This week the ‘Boys traded (I mean over paid) for Roy Williams from the Lions. Now, all week different sportscasters have given their opinion on the trade and whether T.O will still get enough touches and whatnot so there isn’t much to be said other than Jerry Jones will be coaching the team by week 10 if this keeps up. I see a crisis happening in Dallas. The Rams meanwhile are coming off the biggest shock win of the season. I imagine a lot of closet Rams fans giving it to their friends all week in the “you never believed in us!” vain. I also see them keeping it close this week against a beat up and now complicated Cowboys team. Bizarro SportsOne takes the Cowboys in a beat down similar to the one at the end of this.

BEARS (-3) vs Vikings

Bizarro SportsOne: BEARS (-3) vs Vikings

I’m not sure which was worse, the lead singer from Def Leppard putting the Stanley Cup upside down on HNIC’s opening night a week ago or Lions QB Dan Orlovsky attempting to avoid the pass rush last week by running OUT of the end zone and then attempting a pass. (The Vikings need to send him a thank you card; it was the safety that ended up being the difference) The Viks head out on the road which is probably a good thing considering everyone last week at home was chanting “Fire Childress” (doesn’t have the same ring to it that “Fire Isaiah” has does it?”) and this week are in Chicago. I don’t know what to make of the Bears either. They’re at home though and should be able to stop Peterson from tearing them apart. They really should be 5-1, last weeks loss in Atlanta was inexcusable (Really? A squib kick with 11 seconds left??) and they should’ve beaten Tampa a few weeks ago. That’s scary that this team could and should be the No 1 seed thus far. I think I just talked myself into believing in the Bears. Bizarro takes the Bears as well because I bribed him with cocaine. (The great equalizer in our society!)

PANTHERS (-3) vs Saints

Bizarro SportsOne: Saints (+3) vs PANTHERS

Last week a few of you caught me on the fact that I didn’t say my obligatory salute to my fantasy football team so I’ll do that right now “GO TRAMPOLINE BEAR”. (If you haven’t seen the video from which this is from, check it out it is short) At this point I would like to thank the Panthers for having their punt blocked and returned for a TD early in their game last week against the Bucs because that one play ended up winning my fantasy game last week running the record to 5-1. The Panthers come home to play a Saints team which has looked great at home this year but mediocre on the road. (It’s not as big a flip flop as Arizona but still noticeable) The question is whether or not Carolina’s offence can stay with New Orleans offence. I think they can, because unless you’re the Raiders you can score on the Saints. Bizarro SportsOne is sticking a fork in my eye as he takes the Saints this week.

49ers (+10.5) vs GIANTS

Bizarro SportsOne: GIANTS (-10.5) vs 49ers

My good buddy Ryan has been giving me flack for not showing the Giants any respect this season, so I promised him I’d say something nice this week about his team so here it goes: The Giants return home this week after a hard fought game against the Browns in which they showcased the reason why they were undefeated to that point. I don’t think that did it, sorry Ryan I’ll come up with something soon. So just to review: We had the two best teams (we thought) lose to teams that were among the bottom 5 (we thought) and now everything is all screwed up. Last week I mentioned that although I had made a promise not to take any 10+ favourites I took two and lost big on both. This week I’ve learned my lesson. The G-Men win but not in a blowout. Bizarro likes the Giants to ruin the 49ers to the tune of 38-6 because they’re still the best most complete team in the NFC. (There you go Ryan, I said it. I will now smash a vase over my head)

Lions (+9.5) vs TEXANS

Bizarro SportsOne: Lions (+9.5) vs TEXANS

I had a discussion this past week with my good buddy Noah, and then later with my cousin Jeff regarding stripper songs. We all agreed that “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is the king, but what is the best stripper song to come out of the last 5 years? We jotted some songs down (Noah especially liked “When I Grow Up” by the Pussycat Dolls, which I found to be a little obvious) and eventually came up with “Headstrong” by Trapt as the best one released this decade. Think about it, the chorus screams “…and this is NOT where you belong!” Couldn’t you picture some girl leading some dude on, getting all hot and when that lyric comes on, she throws him back and bolts for someone else, perpetuating the tease? It’s brilliant. I really hope some have used it and if not yet, I’ll get my brother Jordan to tell the stripper he knows about it. It’s a gold mine just waiting to be tapped. Why am I writing this in a football column? Because what you’ve just read should be infinitely more interesting than the Detroit/Houston game on Sunday. Bizarro SportsOne concurs.

Jets (-3) vs RAIDERS

Bizarro SportsOne: RAIDERS (+3) vs Jets

I have to say I really hate these “old timey” uniforms the Jets seem to wear for every home game now. It makes the team look like a fake college team that might have been featured on the show “Coach” or something. That being said, they’re on the road this week out in Oakland so at least we get to watch the greens. That’s if anyone bothers to watch this game. I think Favre will have a good game and the Raiders are still awful. Bizarro likes the Raiders because this season is impossible to predict. On a side note, my buddy Phil told me this week that someone won over $500,000 on Pro Line pools (basically calling every game straight up and if you get them all you win the pot) which caused absolute disbelief from me. I REFUSE to believe anyone, ever, picked the Rams straight up last week in Washington. The Green Party had a better shot of winning last week than the Rams did. (Just a side note, was this the most boring Canadian election ever? Really, the Liberals need to ship like 20 high priced escorts to Jack Leyton’s house and use them to bribe him into going Liberal. Then and only then, will we see the true potential of Leyton’s fist fighting ability)

Browns (+7.5) vs REDSKINS

Bizarro SportsOne: Browns (+7.5) vs REDSKINS

Could the Browns be back? All of a sudden they’re 2-3 in a division which to this point has no real contender. First we thought the Steelers were the team to beat and then they floundered a bit, then the Ravens took over and now their offence looks hopeless. The Bengals are in talks with bringing back David Klingler (he’s been bald since grade 7!) so they’re out. I don’t think the Browns win the game, but the Skins haven’t blown anyone out all year and then lost to the Rams (and didn’t get kicked out of the league) so it should be a tight one. Bizarro SportsOne also likes a tight one involving the Browns. (Jeez that sounds just wrong)

PACKERS (-1) vs Colts

Bizarro SportsOne: PACKERS (-1) vs Colts

The Colts destroyed the Ravens last week and are looking better as each week goes by. Hooray for that. (Cue MSN sarcastic smiley face) In keeping with this “anything can happen” thing that we’ve got going here, I like the Pack at home. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I’m an idiot. Bizarro concurs.

Seahawks (+10.5) vs BUCS

Bizarro SportsOne: BUCS (-10.5) vs Seahawks

I think Bizarro is just picking against me on this game because the cocaine was totally cut with baking soda. Just a hunch.

Broncos (+3.5) vs PATRIOTS

Bizarro SportsOne: PATRIOTS (-3.5) vs Broncos

I’ve just spent the past few minutes racking my brain as to how the Pats can score any points in this game. I mean, Denver’s defence isn’t exactly good (or average) but they just looked awful on Sunday night. Seriously, a QB can’t make THIS much difference in football can it? I mean, the Pats have NO RUNNING GAME at all. They’re like a non BCS college team that won all their games by out passing everyone else and when their QB left for the pros they went 2-9 with essentially the same team. Hmm. That’s it! The Pats are the NFL version of Hawaii! (I can’t believe it took me till week 7 to reference Colt Brennan. Sorry everybody) My friend Margaret and I have a friendly rivalry going because I’m a die hard Broncos fan and her boyfriend likes the Patriots (meaning like any good girlfriend she likes the Patriots too, ugh) so this game has lots of intrigue for me. If Buffalo wins this week (and they should) the Pats will be 2+ games back if they lose this one. Bizarro SportsOne took the Pats so I set him ablaze and threw him over my balcony “tree toss” style.

Last week: 7-7

Season: 49-37-2