And we’re backkk!! Here we go with the Eastern Conference preview in the same Degrassi style that everyone seemed to either love immensely or absolutely hate. This week’s column should be more popular since not only are the Leafs and Penguins involved but also the five biggest Degrassi Characters are listed this time around. Without further ado, let’s get to the teams starting with nobody’s favourite:
Projected Finish: 14th
Degrassi Character: Bartholomew Bond (the white kid in the photo)
Only the really keen Degrassi fans know who Bartholomew Bond actually is. He’s the kind of guy that you see in the halls, and when he speaks you’re amazed that the writers actually remembered to give him lines. He’s a walking trivia game for die hard fans. You can tell how much of a fan a person is if they know anything about this kid. Similar to the Thrashers, they’re a trivia game for NHL fans. Other than Kovalchuk, if you can name any players on this team (even better, their stats) than you qualify as a hard core NHL fan, because like Mr. Bond, nobody’s really sure why they’re around.
According to ESPN.com, the Thrashers boast Erik Christensen, Marty Reasoner and Steve Rucchin. (Really? He’s still in the league? Does this mean Joe Juneau is stashed somewhere too??) Also, they picked up Ron Hainsey in the off season which should boost their defense; Kari Lehtonen will need all the help he can get. Atlanta has actually made the playoffs in their history (a 4-0 sweep at the hands of the Rangers two seasons ago) but went the other way last year, failing to build on the team and attendance success of that year. This year this team should battle the Leafs and Panthers for worst overall in the East. Ok enough of this mess.
Projected Finish: 6th
Degrassi Character: Archibald “Snake” Simpson
Snake was the guitar player in the Zit Remedy, and the best friends of arguably the two biggest male characters, Joey and Wheels. Add to that, he did surprisingly well with the ladies (remember when Spike AND Michelle both wanted him at the same time? We’ve already dealt with the Amy and Allison saga. Come to think of it, he was Degrassi’s true man whore. Had to have been the “snake” nickname. HAD to have been) however he never truly reached the heights he could have, because one thing was holding him back: his parents. Overbearing, always needing to know where he was at all times, Snake was a true momma’s boy. The Bruins are the same way, not that they’re momma’s boys but that they must answer to the overbearing Jeremy Jacobs. Hopefully they can continue their exodus of this truly horrible owner.
The Bruins are headed up by possibly the most underrated forward in the league, Marc Savard and also boast two players that are coming into their prime years: Marco Sturm (one of the dimes from the Joe Thornton trade) and Phil Kessel, who should be able to build on his 37pt season last year. The real deal is Milan Lucic however. The folks in Beantown are falling in love with this guy, possibly because he’s not only a tower of power but also has a scoring punch. Zdeno Chara is always a rock on defence and Manny Fernandez (yes, he’s in
BUFFALO SABRES (39-31-12 90pts)
Projected Finish: 9th
Degrassi Character: Erica Ferrell
If you comb over Part 1 of this special NHL preview, you’ll see that I wrote that the Minnesota Wild were “a slightly less cool version of an East Conference team”. Well that team is the Buffalo Sabres. Both teams have fast players, good playmakers and not too shabby goaltending. The real difference between these two teams is the jerseys. The Wild jersey is ugly, moronic and much like Jim Carrey’s Grinch movie, a tad hard on the eyes.
It’s hard to remember when
Projected Finish: 11th
Degrassi Character: Lorraine Delacorte aka LD
LD was a tomboy during the first couple of seasons on Degrassi. She was usually found with Lucy or Caitlin and would have story lines now and then (once she was working at a garage) but over time her popularity waned so the producers did what any good producers do when a character has overstayed their welcome: They gave her cancer. (Great move by the way. The character was probably the least popular on the entire series. If you had to make a list she’d fall between Wheels’ comatose grandfather and Nancy the “bigger girl no-it-all”.) During the last couple of seasons, Lucy would take her video camera and make “videos of her life” for LD to watch while recuperating in the hospital, just to show everyone that LD was still around. The Carolina Hurricanes aren’t in cancer mode yet, but it’s clear their best years (or year) are behind them. Even Eric Staal can’t make this team more popular.
Since winning the Cup in ’06 the ‘Canes have not really gotten any better or worse. They’ve lost a couple players, signed a couple, but the core remains the same. Eric Staal, Tuomo Ruutu and Rod Brind’Amour are still the go to guys for offence on this team. Cam Ward is coming off a stellar season last year and if this team has any playoff hopes he’ll need to come up big in the shootouts this time around. The big questions will come on defence this year and hopefully Tim Gleason (who?) can provide the kind of stay-at-home defenseman that will make the ‘Canes matter again. The SportsOne says no.
Projected Finish: 13th
Degrassi Character: Amy Holmes
Amy, much like Allison, was not given any storylines in the entire series despite being probably the prettiest girl on the show. And like Allison, she was just there. But she served a higher purpose than her counterpart, because having Amy as your friend meant an instant climb in status; she was cool, was into older guys and pretty. Amy is the perfect fit for the Florida Panthers: they play in one of the coolest places on earth (
This is one depleted team. Top scorer Olli Jokinen is gone, and the big free agent signing this off season was Cory Stillman. Stephen Weiss and Nathan Horton are capable of putting pucks in the net, and if Richard Zednik comes back to full health he should add a spark or two as well. That being said, this is a miserable franchise and an even more miserable team. Not much is known what to do to help rebuild at this point, but the SportsOne has a couple of ideas. OK, I was lying. I have neither the interest nor the intuition to put such a massive reconstruction together. Sorry to all the Panther fans out there. Both of you.
Projected Finish: 2nd
Degrassi Character: Caitlin Ryan
Caitlin was and is the princess of the Degrassi universe. Ask any guy who their favourite girl was on the show and more often than not that answer will come back Caitlin. She had her problems (including a bit of epilepsy which was only mentioned and acted out once) but remains the only character who ever triggered a suicide (get it? Triggered?) and she dated Joey on and off for much of the show. (And he screwed it up. Damn Tessa) But she was more than that. There couldn’t be a show without her. She was a second tier character until she went through a major metamorphosis during the 3rd year when she turned into: The cutest babe on the show. The Canadiens are kind of like that. There couldn’t be a league without them, they’re the winningest franchise in history and like Caitlin, have the most fans of anyone out there.
NEW
Projected Finish: 7th
Degrassi Character: Bronco Davis (there are no pictures of Bronco anywhere, so I put up another picture of Caitlin. Hey get your own column!)
Bronco was a nothing character until he became student body President. During the last season, he was the one you could count on to get a story published in the school paper, get your sports team a better practice time, or get you into the school on the weekend to see the Savages shoot a music video. He was the highest point in the Degrassi student world and had everyone’s respect. The Devils aren’t the highest point in the NHL world, nor do they have everyone’s respect. However, they do have one player who might go down as the best at his position to ever play the game when it’s all said and done, and like Bronco, he’s definitely a player you can count on and hopefully the Devils can again too because their playoff hopes ride on his coattails.
Martin Brodeur’s days in the swamp must be nearing an end. He’s been there for over a dozen years and the team seems to be going backward. Patrik Elias and Zach Parise head things on the forward lines while Jamie Langenbrunner and John Madden continue to be solid two way players. Other than that there’s really not much to get excited about. The D is OK, the rest of the forwards are OK and the team itself is well, just OK. Brodeur is the key, and even though I don’t like this team to do anything big, he’s THE x-factor in the league and if there’s anyone who can get the Devils into the playoffs it’s him. However, the Devils still hold the record for most coaches fired with a week to go in the season, so keep an eye on Brent Sutter come April!
Projected Finish: 12th
Degrassi Character: Shane McKay
First a little history: Shane McKay was the father of Spike’s baby, named Emma who went onto star in the new version of the show. But that is not Shane’s claim to fame among Degrassi enthusiasts. No, his claim to fame is one ill-fated night during a concert for Gourmet Scum, where he and his buddy Luke took acid and Shane became so high he jumped off a bridge, landing himself in a coma and forever developing a speech impediment. That being said, the New York Islanders signed goalie Rick DiPietro to a monumental 15 year contract in 2005 and so far he has not delivered. If he doesn’t start to soon, that one contract, that one piece of paper, could be the acid that screws up this team for the next decade. The lesson is not to avoid acid (seriously, does acid even exist anymore??) but to avoid signing a marginal goaltender to a lucrative long term deal.
It’s never a good sign when there’s more to say about the character than the team itself. Charles Wang (possibly the only Asian hockey fan on earth) has put together a team basically by himself. You can’t blame him for not trying. He’s throwing money at all kinds of players, but that contract to DiPietro can’t be overlooked. Mike Comrie is still around (and dating my girl Hilary I might add) and can be a spark on the ice. After that, there’s not that not much. The team added Doug Weight in the hopes of creating some more offence, but the keys aren’t on the offensive: This team is going to be bad. Offensively and defensively bad. That said, if this team is ever going to get over the hump, the goalie has to come forward and prove he’s worth that contract. (Seriously, was I the only one who was PRAYING that when DiPietro went down last year, General Manager Garth Snow would come out of the front office and start in goal? How awesome would that have been? “Starting in goal for your New York Islanders, The GM Garth Snow.” What a nickname that could’ve been: The GM. Sorry, just thinking out loud)
Projected Finish: 5th
Degrassi Character: Clutch (with the car)
If there ever was a guy on Degrassi who you could count on both good and bad, it was Clutch. He was a cool guy, had a car, was infatuated with Lucy and drank heavily from time to time. His two biggest contributions in the Degrassi world were A) buying beer for Joey, Snake and Wheels which caused Wheels to wonder out loud “Maybe he has REAL fake ID” and B) having his car used in the Zit Remedy video for “Everybody Wants Something”. The Rangers are just as cool. They play in the coolest place in the league (
The Rangers lost Jaromir Jagr, who by the way is 50 and finished. (Ok, he’s not 50 but still, who on earth would leave the NHL for some obscure league in
Projected Finish: 8th
Degrassi Character: Stephanie Kaye
The first two seasons were ruled by Stephanie Kaye. She was the precocious 7th/8th grader who would do anything to gain attention of the fellow boys at Degrassi. Her school president slogan “all the way with Stephanie Kaye” was years ahead of its time. And there was nobody who was more important than she was those first two years. She mattered, more than any other character. The Ottawa Senators, much like Miss Kaye, used to matter also.
The Sens made the
Projected Finish: 4th
Degrassi Character: Dwayne Myers (again, I had no idea he had a last name!)
Dwayne was the burly bully on Degrassi. The Flyers have in the past been the bullies of the NHL. (the Broad St. Bully’s of the 70s, before you or I were conceived after a night of too much wine with dinner. Admit it) Dwayne for the most part liked making Joey’s life a living hell. He was the bully, and used his body whenever he could gain an advantage. The Flyers, even though they gained tiny Daniel Briere, are much the same way. They play physical, but hopefully it doesn’t come back to bite them in the end, the same way the physical play bit Dwayne. (Dwayne being a bully had nothing to do with him getting bit. Dwayne contracted HIV in the 4th season, which is why he would HAVE to top the list of “un doable guys on Degrassi”. Oh and if your scoring at home so far it’s Dwayne HIV and Erica abortion.)
Projected Finish: 1st
Degrassi Character: Joey Jeremiah
Joey Jeremiah was the flawed, yet totally likeable character on Degrassi. If there was one character you wanted to be, regardless of how it turned out in the end, you wanted to be Joey. He had all the right moves (even when they more often than not blew up in his face), got all the right girls (even when Stephanie and Caitlin dumped him) and was the most popular kid on the show (not in school, but among us fans) and for that reason there is no other team that comes close to being Joey than the Penguins. They have the best two young stars in the league, possibly the best young goalie in the league, and like Joey it’s impossible not to want to watch this team play.
Sidney Crosby leads this team into action. Evgeni Malkin is his second in command. After that, with the departure of Marian Hossa it gets a little icky. Jordan Staal and Petr Sykora can fill in the gaps along the front lines, however a major injury to Sergei Gonchar (he’s out for a few months) might wreak havoc in their puck moving defence core. Daryl Sydor and Mark Eaton are more than adequate stay at home defensemen and should be able to hold the fort until Gonchar is healthy. Marc-Andre Fleury has proven he’s the real deal and will guide this team to the East Conference regular season title. Sid the Kid is entering his monster years. If he stays healthy, look for a 50/90/140 year from him. Only one other player might come close to that.
Projected Finish: 10th
Degrassi Character: Christine “Spike” Nelson
To bring you up to speed: Spike got pregnant in 8th grade, had the baby and dealt with it the rest of the series. Everything she ever did in the coming years, the baby had to be dealt with. There was a whole year of her being pregnant and getting sent to a special school because of the pregnancy. The Lightning, much like Spike, are trying to overcome a major setback (the kind that happens when your team misses the playoffs and then finishes last overall) and like Spike, will win the hearts of fans everywhere and contend for a playoff spot, but will ultimately come up just short. (Like Spike when she wanted Snake but came up short)
The Lightning are coming off a season where they traded Brad Richards to the Stars, and somehow finished low enough to gain the No 1 pick in the draft (Steve Stamkos). They still have Martin St Louis and Vincent Lecavalier, as well as another underrated player in Vaclav Prospal. The D is a little shaky with the departure of Dan Boyle and have brought in Olaf Kolzig to potentially start in goal, but if he isn’t up to speed they’ll have to go with unproven Mike Smith (what a generic hockey name, possibly the complete opposite of Olaf Kolzig). On the plus side, is anyone else foaming at the mouth to hear Barry Melrose speak after every game? I still remember that beef between him and Pat Burns during the ’93 Campbell Conference finals.
Just a side note. When I first got the idea for this column there were two teams whose characters were so obvious they required no thinking whatsoever. They were Chicago (Tessa) and
Projected Finish: 15th
Degrassi Character: Derek “Wheels” Wheeler
The Leafs are a train wreck. If you haven’t read my Tankapolooza column I implore you to go back and scan it. There is just no other team that could be Wheels. Kathleen had problems but Wheels’ issues were exponentially worse. Just a review: He was adopted (that’ll come into play later), he was a horrible student, his adopted parents were killed in a car crash, he hitched to Port Hope and got molested in the front of a wood station wagon, he then found out his real dad didn’t want him back, he got kicked out of his house and had to sleep on Snake’s back porch, his car was a pile of junk, and then he killed a little girl while drunk driving and went to jail. Basically, everything on earth that could go wrong, went wrong for Wheels. And everything is going to go wrong for
Enough has been said and written about the team that is going to take the ice on Thursday night in
Projected Finish: 3rd
Degrassi Character: Simon Dexter
Simon arrived during the 2nd season of Degrassi; hailed as a “boy who had been in commercials”. The girls went crazy for him, the teachers loved him. In short: he was a rock star at that school and everyone wanted a piece. (How he ended up with Alexa is almost as big a quandary as how he didn’t murder her) The Washington Capitals are a lot like that right now. They’ve achieved rock star status (Ovechkin even gave a speech in front of the White House a few weeks ago) and everyone wants a piece. Games at the
Ovechkin has been well documented. He scored 65 goals last year, and might get more this year but the biggest reason he’s the superstar he is is because of his celebrations. I can’t believe no one thought of this first (it’ll be a shame when he dislocates his shoulder but oh well, it’s still fun to watch!) and the rest of his team mates have started it too. Mike Green was a beast last year and will build on that high scoring touch. The Caps will score a lot of goals this year, but goaltending could be an issue. If Jose Theodore can play anything like he did 4 or 5 years ago than this team could contend for 1st overall, if not they still should win the division but it won’t be a cake walk. The Caps also have the best name in hockey right now. Every so often a player comes along and you can’t help but say both his first and last name every time you speak of him. Ray Bourque was like that. You never heard an announcer say just Bourque, it was always Ray Bourque. Well the new version of that is Brooks Laich (Like). Listen for it. It’ll always be Brooks Laich. It’s a fun name to say. Either way, I love the Caps this year. I love hockey. Enough of this chit chat, let’s get retarded. Thursday is a comin’.
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