Strictly Business: NFL Week 5!

Ok it’s a busy week for the SportsOne. The NHL season is coming faster than a nerd on prom night and the MLB playoffs are here! Meanwhile it’s already Week 5 (??) of the NFL season so let’s get at those picks. As always, home teams are in CAPS.

TEXANS (+3) vs Colts

I really don’t know what to make of this Colts team. We speculated that Marvin Harrison might be finished as a productive player but nobody could’ve guessed that Manning would start declining already. He’s entering the “I can still do it, I swear I can still do it” phase of his career. How long before he enters the “I can still do it, I swear I can still do it but just not in Indy” phase and we see him decked out in silver and black or something? Meanwhile, the Texans finally get a home game! They won’t have to play on the road again till after Halloween. (That sound you just heard was the Texans in city mistress’s cheering, and subsequently the Texans players hitting their heads into a coffee table) They’ve got confidence by taking Jacksonville to overtime last weekend, narrowly missing out on a huge victory, so that coupled with the fact that Joseph Addai has been killing everyone who picked him 3^rd overall in the fantasy leagues, I like the Texans this week. But just for this week. They’ll go back to being the little engine that nobody cared about by week six.

RAVENS (+3) vs Titans

The Titans have been playing really well lately, but so have the Ravens. Could Joe Flacco be the next Steve McNair? The guy who came from a Division II (or I-A) school and lead his team to unfathomable heights? The Ravens did everything they had to do to beat Pittsburgh last week including taking out their 3^rd string RB and 1^st string tackle. You know Baltimore is itching to prove their for real in the AFC North which suddenly nobody wants to win. In there you have banged up Pittsburgh, train wreck Cincinnati and massively underachieving Cleveland. This is like an episode of the Surreal Life except there’s no little Verne Troyer around to shake things up. Baltimore takes advantage of a team this week that is due for a loss. I don’t think the Titans are as good as they seem. But hey, I’ve been wrong before. See the NFL preview column for more on that little tidbit.

Chargers (-6.5) vs DOLPHINS

The Chargers are back and 2-2. (On a side note, last week’s come from behind beatdown of the Raiders might go down as the best gambling win of the year. Down all game, but still scored meaningless points at the end to cover the 8.5 point spread. I was nodding with approval) The Dolphins haven’t played since Ronnie Brown got a ton of people quality bench points two weeks ago, (seriously, do you know ANYONE who actually had him in the game? Email me if you do, I would love to know) and you just get the feeling that their quality game is over. Every bad team plays up to their opponent a few times a year, but hardly ever back to back and lest we forget that San Diego is on a mission. If we thought the Pats were last year, this is an upgrade. I see F.U. TD’s all season long for the Chargers, and a long afternoon for the Dolphins. Also, how long before Bill Parcells actually comes down to just “see how things are going during the game”?

PANTHERS (-9.5) vs Chiefs

Last week we pretty much both said the same thing: Larry Johnson? Really?? If you had to take the preseason bet of a 200 yard rushing game vs a week 4 season ending injury the odds would’ve been 5-2 on the injury and 15-1 on the 200 yard rushing game. Yes, it was against my hapless Broncos (Rita MacNeil could squeeze through that hole in the D-line) but let’s not go crazy. This is the Panthers, a team that not only plays stingy defence but especially at home. The 9.5 line is pretty high but remember the Chiefs until last week hadn’t won in almost a calendar year. That says a lot. Oh and they also lost big to the Raiders. That’s the one thing the Oakland fans have on the KC fans this year. Both fans know their teams suck, but Oakland fans can say all season long “Oh yeah? Well at least we didn’t lose to Lane Kiffin!” ‘Nuff said.

Redskins (+6) vs EAGLES

As I write this (Thursday night in a bar, the same one I got mugged outside of actually!) there is still no word on whether or not Michael Westbrook will play Sunday. It shouldn’t matter. The Iggles will win the game, but it’s going to be close. The ‘Skins have done something that really shakes things up in the NFC East, which is turning into England, France, the US and Soviet Union after WWII. (I think we all know who the USSR of this division is right Eli?) I was talking to my brother Jordan this week and mentioned that if all four of these teams go 3-3 in the division, we could have a potential 11-5 team miss the playoffs. (I’m really rooting for this to happen and I want it to be the Giants, please God let it be the Giants) Six points is far too much and this is the most anticipated game of the week, take Philly straight up but Washington will keep it close.

Bears (-3.5) vs LIONS

There’s a scene in Home Improvement (remember Home Improvement? Has there ever been a show that was so big for a period and yet so forgotten 15 years later? I blame Seinfeld for that. Every other comedy from 1990-95 just didn’t add up, except the Simpsons who have massively overstayed their welcome) where Tim and Brad patch things up after an argument and Tim says that instead of telling his son that he loves him, he’ll say “How about those Lions?” If my calculations are correct, last week would’ve been the first time in years anyone anywhere said “How about those Lions?” (Remember, their 6-2 start last year didn’t actually happen) People forget though, that after the season starts, the GM is basically on vacation. Nobody really gets signed or traded during the football season; the GM’s job is to put the team together and sip Mojitos till January, and if your team wins, till the draft. On a side note, my lil bro Jordan is going to this game in Detroit. Even though I know he’ll be somewhat intoxicated for the duration of his trip, I’ve instructed him to keep a diary of what happens during the game. Hopefully he doesn’t lose it and has a story or two for us next week. Oh and also, the Lions still suck. Sorry Brad.

PACKERS (-3.5) vs Falcons

Aaron Rodgers may not play on Sunday. Regardless, the Falcons have looked like the best worst team in the league: Great against the Lions and Chiefs, not so great against the Panthers and Bucs. This is a game the Pack can’t afford to lose. The wild card winners will not be coming out of any division that isn’t the NFC East; a win puts them even with the Bears. In baseball playoff news, has anyone else noticed Craig Sagen looks like he just got here from 1977? I can’t believe nobody on the TBS broadcasts have mentioned this yet.

GIANTS (-7) vs Seahawks

The Giants are in real danger of going 4-0 and yet gaining respect from nobody. The problem lies with three things: 1) They haven’t beaten anyone yet (The ‘Skins were a shadow of themselves on opening night) 2) They needed overtime to beat the Bengals at home(!) and most importantly 3) They still didn’t win the Super Bowl last year. All that being said, Plaxico Burress is off this week because of suspension, but Eli and friends (sounds like a really good porn series actually) should make quick work of a Seattle team that like the G-men were off last week but nevertheless are still hunting for wideouts. (There’s your first title in the Eli series: Eli and Friends Hunt For Wideouts)

BRONCOS (-3) vs Bucs

This Denver defence is monumentally bad. York could score on this defence. (On a side note, York just lost 80-0 to Queens today. No words.) This team could and will make the Bucs offence look like the 2001 Rams. That being said, the Denver offence is a little bit better than the Tampa defence (I’m starting the Pats D one last time, I’m not taking a chance this week) and this one has the feel of a possible 37-34 type game. Not saying last team with the ball wins, but the Broncos are undefeated at home this season (lucky!) and other than last weeks debacle in KC haven’t looked bad on offence yet. Take Denver to squeak it out this week. Meanwhile, former Denver RB Travis Henry was arrested this week in a cocaine bust. Hey, when you’ve got nine bastard children running around the country you need all the monetary help you can get. I know I’ve dabbled in a little drug dealing to support my five little SportsOnes that are scattered worldwide.

Patriots (-3) vs 49ERS

What’s the name of the Pats QB again? Oh, yeah Matt Cassell. It’s been two weeks since the meltdown at Foxboro and you just know that Bill Belichick would like to eat every player on San Francisco if he could. That being said he’s had the bye week to prepare for this game, the Pats first in SF since ’95 and even though the Niners offence looks a little better than the Pats these days (is Maroney EVER going to become anything close to an elite back?) you can’t go against a Belichick team when they’ve had two weeks to prepare. In defence of this pick I’d just like to say I’m destroying all three Sun Media football guys this season, so there! (Second title in the Eli series: Eli and Friends score at JT O’Sullivans)

CARDINALS (-1) vs Bills

One of these teams is really due to lose. The other is coming off a week in which the SportsOne can’t decide whether they’re second quarter was worse than the Cubs second inning on Thursday night. Kurt Warner somehow got 26 fantasy points last week despite not being able to hang onto the ball for an entire quarter. Sure, the 471 passing yards looks good on paper, but man that was brutal to watch. It was like watching an old man pick up and drop his cane over and over. The Bills on the other hand are 4-0 after rising from the dead to cover the spread last week in St Louis. I like the Cards to win the game and declare themselves the front runners in the suddenly competitive NFL AAA division!

COWBOYS (-17??) vs Bengals

This pick scares me the way the Thriller video scared me as a kid. You know what’s coming, but it still frightens you to think about it. Seventeen points is huge. This is like a college football line. Sure, the Bengals might not have Palmer in at QB and the Boys are coming off a horrid game in which they completely abandoned the second best running attack in the league only to throw to Owens 32 times and have him complain he doesn’t get the ball enough. Hey Terrell, there’s tons of balls coming your way, relax! Sounds like my ex-wife. (Rimshot) All that being said Dallas will want to establish themselves as the team to beat in the NFC East again, so look for Cincinnati 0-5 come Sunday night. Side note, now that Millen, Kiffin and now Linehan have been fired, which coach whose last name ends in “N” is next? There’s about 12 to choose from. Where can we get odds on this one? I’ll pay as high as 5-2!

JAGUARS (-5) vs Steelers

The Steelers’ win over the Texans seems like years ago. Since that opening day win they’ve played poorly in Cleveland, gotten throttled in Philly and won a “should’ve probably lost that one” game against Baltimore. Oh, and they’re more beaten up than a guy who “accidentally” touches the girl at the strip joint. The Jags have played hot and cold all season, and are not scary on defence nor offence, but they’re at home against a banged up Steelers team so take the Jags to win 23-17 or something like that. Seriously though, couldn’t NBC throw up one of their wild cards and reschedule this game for Sunday afternoon and give us the ‘Skins/Eagles game instead? That’s what I propose: Every NFC East matchup be put on Sunday night and Monday night for the rest of the year and the halftime shows for the Monday game be footage of Warren Sapp’s latest performance on Dancing With The Stars. Fat men who dance; there’s a million dollar idea right there!

SAINTS (-3) vs Vikings

Drew Brees is a beast. (And he’s my fantasy QB. Here’s the obligatory GO TRAMPOLINE BEAR! Bet you thought I’d forget) That being said, the Saints have no running game to speak of but that shouldn’t matter because Minny is average at best against air attacks. The Saints can’t stop the run or the pass but shouldn’t matter because their offence is better than the Vikings defence. Meanwhile, am I the only NFL fan who loves that the MNF game starts at 8:30 and therefore can watch both the game AND Big Bang Theory?? I feel another man-crush coming on; his name is Sheldon.

Last Week: 9-4

Season: 35-25