NHL Quarterly Report plus Garbage Thanksgiving NFL Games!

Well we’re officially a quarter of the way through the season and seeing as some teams are already out of it (that means you Dallas) I figured it was a good time to bring back the SportsOne power rankings!

HAROLD BALLARD DIVISION

30. Dallas Stars

Mike Modano has to be added to the trade list soon doesn’t he? And what happened to Marty Turco? He’s throwing his 2010 Canadian Olympic spot away isn’t he? I can’t stop asking questions! Dallas can’t be this bad. They have Sean Avery!

29. Florida Panthers

It’s hard to remember a time when the Panthers weren’t in this division. Thomas Vokun is wishing he hadn’t taken the money right about now. Oh and the Wade Belak trade is looking pretty good for Toronto. Just saying. They need to start paying D-Wade to come to home games or something or better yet put him in the line up! Florida is awful.

28. Ottawa Senators

This team is here because not only are they bad but they’re much much worse than anyone thought they’d be. The teams of the future need to look at the Sens and the Lightning for how NOT to do things in the new salary cap era. You can’t compete when you have a substantial bulk of your money invested in three players. You also can’t compete when your goalie appears drunk in net.

27. Atlanta Thrashers

If Ilya Kovalchuk was from North America, I have a feeling he’d be more vocal about his inclusion in the 2010 NHL Free Agent frenzy, a la LeBron. Somebody, more than likely the Kings, are going to be very happy with their acquisition in two summers.

JOHN FERGUSON JR DIVISION

26. Tampa Bay Lightning

So, we’ve fired our coach, set our No 1 draft pick back a few months and underachieve night in and night out. We can build on this!! The gambling itch for Rick Tocchet has to be climbing doesn’t it? If there was anyone in Tampa who knew you could bet on hockey he’d be in trouble.

25. Colorado Avalanche

Thank the Lord! We’ve finally reached the “Colorado Avalanche are horrid” era. Sorry Stewart but you’ve had a lot of years, it’s over. Patrick Roy isn’t walking through that door! Peter Forsburg isn’t walking through that door! (We don’t think) Claude Lemieux isn’t walking through that door! (Again, we don’t think)

CRASH LANDING

24. Edmonton Oilers

23. Phoenix Coyotes

These two teams were supposed to be much better this year. The Oilers in their defence have played a huge number of road games already so their record is a little skewed. The Coyotes have the worst PP and 4^th worst PK in the league so they’re a little screwed (See? It’s all part of a plan!) Edmonton will be able to make up this so-so start in the second quarter of the season. Phoenix’s youngsters have not played up to expectations yet. Wayne Gretzky could still play right? Why not add himself in and play on the power play. I think the SportsOne has something here.

UP AND ATOM!

22. Toronto Maple Leafs

We are about to enter the Brian Burke era in Toronto. Needless to say, this team has played better than anyone

thought possible coming in. They’ve lost four straight and teams are beginning to not let the Leafs out-work them. What to do about the goaltending problem however. CuJo can’t do it. Only time will tell. Vesa Toskala, it’s 14:56.

21. Los Angeles Kings

The Kings are improving. Patrick O’Sullivan is turning into a great compliment to Kopitar and you know they’re going to get another lottery pick this summer and they have tons of cap room so they might even be able to lure a high profile free agent. That being said, they’ve played almost the complete opposite schedule as Edmonton so their record as misleading as ESPN Classic Canada. (Yay! I get to watch old time hockey and baseball games! That’s not all SportsOne, you also get hours and hours of classic billiards, darts and bowling! (wait for it…) Woo-hoo!)

20. New York Islanders

Let’s put it this way: Things cannot get any worse for the fishermen, er, Islanders. Rick DiPetro still isn’t a franchise goalie, but oh well. Sometimes your rookie GM blows those 15 year signings you know? They’ve won some games here and there though as Doug Weight continues to show no signs of pushing 50. At least Charles Wang hasn’t attempted to bring in his own people yet. Somewhere Jim Paek’s son is hopeful. (Speaking of which, Jim Paek HAS to be in the running for the “Guys who turned up in NHL ’94 yet we never saw them play a single shift” award. I also nominate Link Gaetz and Ed Ronan.)

19. Columbus Blue Jackets

Speaking of teams who have managed to win a few here and there, the Blue Jackets are hanging among the 8 and 9 teams in the uber competitive Western Conference. Rick Nash has cooled off a bit but it hasn’t mattered as the team is playing great defence and seems to have a goalie controversy on their hands. Look for Pascal LeClaire to be dangled at the trade deadline. Things might finally be looking on the up and up in Ohio.

GROWING PAINS

18. St Louis Blues

17. New Jersey Devils

16. Buffalo Sabres

The Blues are a young team, the Devils are getting used to life without winning, I mean without Martin Brodeur and the Sabres are back to earth following that torrid start. I see all of these teams being in the playoff hunt come February with the Blues dropping out before March. The Devils will get their franchise back and come April will be once again playing to half empty playoff crowds. Meanwhile, if the Sabres fail to make the postseason, how much would it cost to get Rick Jeanneret to come to CBC and call games as the 3^rd team? Whatever it is, they should pay it. He’s the Gus Johnson of the NHL.

UN-IMPORTANT ALLSTARS

15. Nashville Predators

14. Carolina Hurricanes

Two grapes? Who cares.

YOU HEAR THAT? HE WAS GETTIN’ THERE!

13. Calgary Flames

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Carl’s line in Dazed and Confused, I cast thee out! The Flames have shown signs of being an elite team this year, yet also have played horrible on occasion. They’re a good bet to make the playoffs still, yet I can’t see them winning a series unless they manage to put a few winning streaks together.

12. Anaheim Ducks

11. Philadelphia Flyers

Both of these teams were slow out of the gate but have seemed to put themselves together, especially the Flyers. If either of these teams learn how to play at home, watch out for them. Daniel Briere is the new Theo Fleury, without the toughness or booze. That being said, I hate the Ducks.

WAIT UNTIL WE GET SOMETHING FOR GABORIK

10. Minnesota Wild

Wait until he comes back, they trade him and get something good for him. Just wait. The best fans in the United States deserve a cup run. And a name/logo change. If the CFL can have two teams named the Roughriders and the Rough Riders than the NHL can have two teams named the Stars and the North Stars. I miss that green “N”. I miss the Nordiques “N” too. I think I need to see my psychiatrist.

FUN HOUSE

9. Chicago Blackhawks

8. Washington Capitals

7. Pittsburgh Penguins

There are no “more fun” teams to watch in the entire league than these three. They score at will (like porn), have

great exciting youngsters (like porn) and the Pens and Caps are loaded with Russians (like good porn). That being said, Ovechkin has turned into a madman the last few weeks. He went though a few games without any points as he clearly had other things on his mind (death in the family) but now he’s back to snatch the team scoring lead from Alexander Semin. Crosby and Malkin continue to rack up points as well. If Edmonton could start winning some games, they might join this most prestigious group of teams that at this point have no chance of winning the Cup.

NEAR BEER

6. Vancouver Canucks

The Canucks vaulted into the “almost contenders” category after going into Manhattan, Minnesota and Pittsburgh and winning all three. Oh they also beat Detroit at home afterwards. The Sedin twins have emerged as legitimate No 1 guys, with Naslund gone. Obviously they still have the best goalie that everyone refuses to admit is the best goalie in the league between the pipes. The Northwest Division and a No 3 seed is in their future.

5. Boston Bruins

Milan Lucic is the new Cam Neely. Sort of. He can’t score like Neely and will never be remembered for his portrayal of a seedy jerk at a diner like Neely (can I get a “kick his ass Seabass”?) but he hits like him and has turned into a fan favourite. Enough has been made about Tim Thomas being left off the All Star Ballot. I don’t get why people care so much. The NHL starters play the first 45 seconds, and then most of the time the coach jumbles the lines for the rest of the game anyway. Plus, I would rather be the goalie for the 3^rd period than the first. Bruins fans needn’t cry. Thomas will be in the All Star game. They’ve shown they can beat the Habs, so by January they could be in the next category.

4. New York Rangers

After a crazy start the Rangers are only 6-4-1 in November. That’s not enough to put them over the top. They’re still a team I’d bet on to come out of the East however. And if you’re like me, you’re salivating over a possible NYR-Phi round one playoffs, NYR-Pit round two playoffs and NYR-Mtl round three playoffs. Oh wow, I think it’s time to go back to the doctors.

FAVORITES

3. Detroit Red Wings

The Wings were No 2 until they got manhandled by the Habs (Canadiens is too long to type) on Wednesday night. They’re still a lock to win their division and with all the leadership on the team almost a lock to play in the West finals. Say what you want about the Maple Leafs, the Wings are the most fun team to hate in the league. It’s always a plus when they’re good. Niklas Lidstrom is turning into the Greg Maddux of hockey. Much like Maddux, I have a feeling he’s going to win Norris Trophy’s until he retires just because he’s Nik Lidstrom. (Seriously, I want video evidence that shows Maddux had a better fielding year than anyone else in the NL! Sorry, random MLB rant)

2. Montreal Canadiens

Les Habitants moved into the No 2 position with their win over the Red Wings in Detroit. They can score, play defence, play goal and are well coached. I don’t know if they deserve to put six starters in the All Star game but what do I know. They’re a fun team to watch and they are clearly the class of the East so far. Boston is breathing down their neck however, and Montreal really should have won that game on Patrick Roy night. Speaking of which, does Roy have a third son that we can get to murder someone on the ice? That’s the next logical step right?

1. San Jose Sharks

They’re unbeaten at home, they have a balanced team and great goaltending. They’re leading goal scorer who looks half Japanese and sounds Italian. How’s that for a global village. Also, it was during the Sharks-Hawks game which I saw the greatest NHL commercial ever. So, yeah I'm sold on the Sharks so far.

It’s also week 13 of the NFL season, Thanksgiving Day in the US meaning there’s three Thursday games this week. Here’s my take:

Titans (-11) vs LIONS

Thanks to Bretty and the Jets (not bad eh?) we are robbed of an 11-0 vs 0-11 match up that would have rivalled any game involving the York football team this year. (They’re also called the Lions, and just for the record if I had to work at a school whose football team was as bad as that I’d be on strike too.) Now we get 10-1 vs 0-11 and the spread is 11 which begs the question as to how much it would be if the Titans had a potent offence? Take last years Pats and put them in this game, what is the line? 25? 30? Would they even allow betting on this game? These are the kinds of things you ponder after doing 5,500 worth of history and geography essays in the last two days.

COWBOYS (-13.5) vs Seahawks

Ah another garbage Thanksgiving Day game. Really, I can see the Tennessee-Detroit game being seen as marginally okay last spring when the schedule came out but Seattle? They couldn’t have given us hmm let’s see, ANYONE ELSE on Dallas’ home schedule? (Other than San Fran of course) On the plus side we’ll get to see Fox bring out the massive mutant “Mr Bean” size turkey at the end of the game. On the minus side, we no longer get to hear John Madden’s mouth water uncontrollably in the background.

Cardinals (+3) vs EAGLES

The Eagles are in full fledged nuclear bomb mode. The coach doesn’t have faith in the quarterback, the quarterback doesn’t have faith in the running game and nobody has faith in the coach. When I heard Donovan McNabb got benched for the second half of the game in Baltimore (and thus giving us the great fantasy point total of the year: -4 points!) I almost thought Koy Detmer was still on the team. Sorry Danny Kolb. Meanwhile, Arizona has emerged as the premier consistent offence in the league. 2008 will be the year we look back on when it comes time to think about putting Kurt Warner in Canton. They sew up the division on Thursday night.

Mid Morning TV at it's Best! Running Diary...

Some people have asked me why I only write about Sports. Well, you gotta write what you know. Today however, let’s try something different. I woke up at 8:18am and couldn’t get back to sleep and decided I’d check out some mid morning TV for the first time in years. There’s not as much on as there used to be but still I found some things to keep me busy for a few hours. Here’s what transpired:

9:01am – First show: Live with Regis and Kelly Lee! Just so we’re all on the same page here, this is the Regis robot I’m watching right? He’s actually dead and this is the replacement right?? He looks exactly the same as he did 15 years ago the last time I was awake to watch this show. Kelly Lee looks good too.

9:04 – Regis just showed a picture of the Bush’s and the Obama’s posing together with the caption “Welcome!” George looks like he’s about to throw up.

9:09 – They’re talking to a couple Army and Navy officers who are sitting in the audience because it’s Veterans (Remembrance) Day in the US today. Just a thought as the camera pans over the audience: When did they stop allowing men in to watch this show? It looks like Rosie got a hold of the audience director.

9:16 – You really have to hand it to Regis. He’s 140 years old, been in the business since the 60’s and now he has to sit here beside this dullard and pretend he’s interested in anything she has to say. You can just read his thoughts “OMG Stop! Nobody cares. Just sit there and look pretty. I really have to go to the bathroom. When’s the first commercial break? Damn this live show. My hip hurts.”

9:20 - Yes, they still do that contest where they call women at home and allow them to answer questions and get prizes. This leads to an uncomfortable moment when the woman mentions she has six children and Kelly (who else?) casually asks her “what else does your husband do?” Now Regis looks like he wants to vomit.

9:21 – Ladies and Gentlemen the Question! “On Monday’s show, in what 1983 movie did Regis and Kelly say Jeff Goldblum starred in?” The answer given by the woman: Jurassic Park. Ahhhh too bad! The real answer: The Big Chill. Certainly anyone Regis’ age would’ve gotten that one!! On the minus side yesterday I could’ve seen Kelly ask someone what that movie is.

9:26 – Regis just said “this is Regis and Kelly do it week”. That CAN’T be what it sounds like can it? Did we finally find out why Kelly is on this show?

9:29 – Probably a good time to mention the show’s line up: First guest is Olympic Beach volleyball player and Dancing with the Stars contestant Misty May-Treanor. Next is Seal. Where on earth did they find Seal?? This must be the day where he doesn’t perform at kids birthday parties or bar mitzvahs.

9:31 – Apparently Misty was eliminated from DWTS because she got injured which leads to her to say she feels like she got hosed. “I want to be eliminated for sucking.” Fighting the urge.

9:36 – Oh, “Regis and Kelly Do-It Week” is where they go off and do things. That really didn’t explain it very well did it. Sorry, this is the first time I’ve seen 9:36am since high school. Is it too early for a drink?

9:37 – Kelly is going to dance with the NY Knicks cheerleaders for her “do-it” segment. I’m really hoping they’ll be dancing to the “Hell Yes” Gus Johnson montage from last week. On the plus side they’re using “Here Comes The Hotstepper” by Ini Kamoze as the intro music. Yes, I actually remembered Ini Kamoze. I’m having that drink.

9:39 – Kelly talks with the Knicks dance coordinator and has a conversation about what they’ll be doing. Kelly says “I’m not going to break a hip am I?” You just KNOW there’s footage of the coordinator saying “who are you, Regis?” in the outtakes somewhere! With that they all begin practicing the routine.

9:43 – Great shot of MSG custodial staff watching in the background.

9:46 – Brand new Leon’s commercial. Is there another store which has seen a decline in the value of their commercials than Leon’s? They used to be brilliant. Like the one where the old man sits at the kitchen table crying quietly while a glass of milk has been spilled, leading to a “Don’t cry over spilt milk. Leon’s No-Money Miracle has been extended!” How about the one where they audition people of various ethnicities to say “Ho Ho Ho!” for their “Ho Ho Hold the payments” thing they do every Christmas. These are the kind of rants I go on before noon.

9: 50 – Seal is on now. He is still the award holder for “Guy with the biggest facial disfigurement who somehow got a really really hot wife”. I still miss his Kid-N-Play hairstyle from 1994.

9:54 – They’re looking for a new theme song on Regis and Kelly and holding a contest where the winner will get to play it on the show and win $100K. Did we learn NOTHING from the Hockey Night in Canada debacle??

9:56 – Ooh there’s a new President’s Choice guy! He strangely looks like the illegitimate son of the old round guy they had, just younger and thinner. He obviously hasn’t developed a similar love for those “Decadent” cookies yet. Or developed his own beer.

9:58 – We’re in the part of the show where they do 15 seconds of show between 8 minutes of commercials. On the plus side, Miley Cyrus is going to fight Amy Winehouse on Thursday’s show!

10:00 – Well that’s done. I really don’t feel like I miss much being asleep at this time every morning. It’s 10 now and there’s only one thing on that remotely interests me and that’s because it’s the only show that was on the last time I was awake and watching TV at this hour. Get ready for an hour of what I hope will be lots and lots of “You are NOT the father!” Ladies and gentlement it’s time for Maury Povich!

10:03 – Slutty girls, deadbeat guys and a 60 year old man who is somehow on TV while the other pioneers of this dreck are in forced retirement. (We’ll get into that later) What more could you want?

10:05 – Someday they will have a show devoted to “Helping children cope with desires to kill their parents because they were on a ‘Not the father!’ Maury Povich show, hosted by Jaleel White.”

10:08 – According to the mother of the guy who is accused of being the father, “that girl sleeps with everybody even the tow truck driver.” Not him too!

10:09 – I just realized that this would be an amazing betting show. You could give odds, moneylines and everything! If only it wasn’t on at a ridiculous hour of the day.

10:10 – He IS the father! Shocking. Either way, the family is destroyed right? There’s no coming back from “You’re a ho and this can’t be my baby” right?

10:12 – I’m really tired of these “Rogers kids”. You know, the five friends who have all the Rogers phones and stuff? I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate a commercial character more than the Canadian Tire guy from a few years ago, but this blonde girl is really coming close. I hate her.

10:14 – Are you a 13, 14 or 15 year old girl who loves sex and doesn’t care what your parents say? If so, call! I’m going to put that ad on Craigslist and see how long it takes before Chris Hansen shows up at my house.

10:18 – Oh the plot thickens for this one. According to the guy, “the girl seduced me and it was supposed to be a one night stand only. Then she calls me up and says she’s pregnant.” If this was me, there would be drinks for everyone if I found out I wasn’t the father. I’m taking the “Not the father” on this one solely to see a massive celebration.

10:20 – The moment of truth: Not the father. He goes crazy and there’s the obligatory shot of the girl running off the stage in tears. See kids? Always use the pill and a condom! Or YOU just might end up on the Maury Povich show.

10:21 – The guy is still going crazy. Actual quote into the camera by him: “You want results?? 1-888-45-MAURY! This cat gets it done!” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

10:24 – I wonder how many of these father things they do on a show? Why even bother with the back stories? Just line up 40 couples and tell it to them one after another. I’m picking “Not the father” in this one too. Don’t ask me why, just a hunch.

10:26 – The dude just said he’ll stay and be there regardless if he’s the father or not. You can just see the girl’s face. Even SHE knows he’s not the father; it doesn’t look like she knows who IS the father though. You know how some girls just look like they’re easy? This girl has an “Easy (disambiguation)” page on Wikipedia.

10:27 – Not The Father! Two more lives destroyed with the help of Maury! I would just like to say at this point that before I said how Maury is still on TV but none of the other ones from the 90s made it past that decade. Why is that? What happened? Is it because his wife is a former CBS News anchor? I mean Sally Jessy is gone; Ricki is gone; Montell is gone; Geraldo decided to tackle politics instead; Jenny Jones fake breasts exploded; Donahue is gone; I can’t find Jerry Springer anywhere so maybe he’s gone too. We’re left with Maury and Steve Wilkos. (If you haven’t seen Steve Wilkos please do so. He was Springer’s old security guard. His show is like a tier below Jerry’s show, and we all thought that was impossible)

10:32 – Is your teenage daughter so out of control and wild that it’s destroying your life? If so, call! That’s going on Craigslist too. What a great way to pick up distraught low self image mothers. Chris Hansen can’t stop this train!

10:35 – Wow, both men here want to be the father. That’s new. There’s the one night stand guy and the serious relationship guy. I remember a bunch of years ago when they lined up six men and none of them were the father. Possibly the ultimate highlight.

10:38 – I’m picking the underdog in this one: The One-night stand as the father. It’s so much more fun when three lives are destroyed rather than two lives being saved isn’t it?

10:39 – and NEITHER of them is the father! A monumental upset! Who saw this coming? I want Maury to say HE’S the father now. How would Connie Chung handle that I wonder?

10:43 – Is your 13, 14 or 15 year old daughter physically violent towards you and it’s ruining your life? If so, call! Seriously, what’s up with the age stipulation? I mean, sure we all love 13, 14 and 15 year old girls….don’t we? Uh oh. Look like its back to jail for me. (Cue Tim Allen laugh)

10:45 – At first glance this woman on the show seems pretty together. She’s a little bit older (30+) and seems like an intelligent woman. Until she laughs and you can see a tongue ring. Really? A tongue ring? Is this 2002? Is there another piercing that has fallen so far in so little time? Just reeks of trailer trash. I would know! (Never mind, I wouldn’t know)

10:46 – I really think this guy might be the father, which would really infuriate the guys mom. I don’t know what to root for. I hate the guy’s mom, so I guess I’m rooting for that. What? They’re going to commercial before they reveal the details? Garbage. (Just for the record: I really REALLY want to be watching the day they find something where the girl doesn’t know the father, and present are the girl, the guy, the guy’s mom and dad and the girls best friend and it turns out that the guys DAD is the father! Someone call Steve Wilkos, we can make this happen! Yes we can! Yes we can!)

10:51 – Are you a female who likes sex and doesn’t care who you have it with? If so call! (Ok I made that one up. Don’t think that would fly on Craigslist, but worth a try!)

10:52 – He IS the father. I’m 4 for 5 today, with only that massive upset holding me back. There’s only eight minutes left, possibly time for more baby news!

10:55 – No more father updates. Too bad. I really wish Maury did a “last word” segment like Jerry used to do. You remember those serious soliloquies he would perform after all the outrageous stuff happened on his show? There’d be a show about KKK members who like sex with little black girls and he’d say something like “Just remember, we’re all different and we all need to be respected. My guests hopefully learned something today.” Maury doesn’t offer that. Too bad. What’s on at 11?

11:00 – Ok I found two shows here. One is the Price is Right (an 11am staple!) but I momentarily forgot that Bob Barker isn’t hosting anymore. I have yet to watch Drew Carey host this show and not sure how I feel about it, so I’ll be going between that and The View. I know what you’re thinking “The View? Really SportsOne? Why???” The answer: If you want unintentional comedy at its best, look no further than four women who plain hate each other. This promises to be fun.

11:01 – First of all, I love how they replaced big, fat, black Star Jones with big, fat, black Sherri Shepherd. The only difference? Sherri is massively more idiotic than anyone in the history of TV. A master stroke by Barbara Walters.

11:03 – Elisabeth Hasslebeck: The ultimate choice for “Girl who is mega hot until she opens her mouth and speaks. Then you just want to smack her”. I miss Survivor 2.

11:05 – Whoopie begins a discussion talking about the Bush/Obama meeting the day before. Can’t you just picture the introduction?

George W. Bush: Hey, you must be the new President elected.
Barack Obama: Yes I’m Barack Obama.
GB: Here let me show you around Buck.
BO: No, it’s Barack.
GB: Beck? Back? Boggle?
BO: No Barack.
GB: Oh ok The Rock. Let’s go.

11:09 – Just switched over to PIR. We’re 20 seconds in and Drew just made a fat joke about himself. Why can’t Colin Mocharie and Wayne Brady be on this show too? That would be fun. The only problem with PIR is that there’s a commercial every four minutes. Boo. Where’s that drink I ordered.

11:12 – YES! It’s another commercial featuring Busy’s dad from Ready or Not!! Is he the ultimate “That Guy!” in Canadian TV history?

11:13 – Back to The View: Today’s guest is Elton John. Say you want about him, but that’s pretty cool.

11:16 – There’s something about Whoopi Goldberg that makes her able to talk about sex without you becoming absolutely disgusted. If only Elisabeth would follow her footsteps. (C’mon, even SHE wouldn’t be able to screw that up would she?) Just a side note: Ballroom dancing should absolutely be in the Summer Olympics. I will always defend this position.

11:20 – Flipped over to PIR just in time to see the Showcase Showdown. Why do they even bother stating the rules anymore? Is there anyone in North America who doesn’t know if you go over $1.00 you lose? They have a new wheel though. It’s the same, but different if that makes any sense. On the minus side, there are no horribly old people spinning today. I miss the days when an Estelle Getty look-a-like couldn’t get the wheel all the way around and the audience would “Boo” her mercifully at the encouragement of Barker.

11:25 - The bids for a catamaran range from $1500 to $8000!? When did they stop giving away $400 clocks as prizes during the bidding round? The $8000 guy was only $5400 off! Next time!

11:27 – YES! It’s the Clock Game! The ONLY game where if you know how to do it, you WILL NOT LOSE! Let’s see if this woman knows what’s she’s doing. She has no idea. Oh well. Another time.

11:31 – There’s no men in the audience at The View either. Big surprise.

11:36 – Both shows are in commercial right now. No good commercials this morning. What happened to the commercials that spoke directly to old people? Where’s Wilford Brimley talking about “Dia-beet-us”? Where’s the “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” lady? Tears.

11:38 – PIR is back. They’re playing a game called “Pass the Buck”. Never heard of it. Where’s the yodelling mountain climber when you need him?

11:49 – (I know, eleven minutes since my last entry. The View is dead air right now) They have new a showcase set on PIR as well! Side note, one of the girl contestants looks very similar to the 3rd girl on Maury whose boyfriend wasn’t the father. Hmm. I’m gonna investigate this one.

11:51 – 1st showcase is an HD TV, new computer and a trailer. Sounds like a pass to me. And it is! Really, we need to get some odds for calling PIR. Uh oh, the second one opens with a new bedroom. This is never a good sign.

11:52 – Showcase #2 includes a massage table!? Don’t you love it when they give away prizes that nobody would ever want or use? “His and her Snowmobiles” is probably the most obvious of these.

11:57 – Girl #1 bid $21500 on the trailer showcase while girl #2 bid $16013(?) on the one with the bedroom set and hottub. I’m thinking girl #2 wins here, but we’ll find out in a minute.

11:58 – Girl #1 wins as the massage table was apparently $12000!!! Oh well, it’s almost noon and I’m totally ready to attempt to sleep again. Goodbye mid morning TV. See you in 2015!!

NFL Week 10!

Well once again, I’ve been had. Denver somehow pulled together to score points for the first time in what seems like a month (oh wait, it HAS been a month) and got the win over a Cleveland team that I’m officially done with. There, I said it. In my two “sexy” preseason picks, I’m done with one, and losing faith in the other. (New Orleans) It’s week 10 and it’s a short column this week because my folks are making the trek up from London and there’s so much to do before they get there. (Not so much for myself, but you get to the point where you don’t want to hear your Mom complain anymore about the state of your room) With that in mind, here’s an uber short version of the weekly NFL column. Home teams in CAPS like usual.

LIONS (+6) vs Jaguars

Jags continue to stink it up against garbage teams this week while Detroit is close to giving Calvin Johnson the Key to the City.

Titans (-3) vs BEARS

Undefeated Titans coming to town + Rex Grossman starting + Lovie Smith still recovering from Obama Chicago party on Tuesday night = I’m not going near the Bears this week.

PATRIOTS (-3.5) vs Bills

New England takes back the AFC East this week. Week 17 will matter though, you heard it here first. Meanwhile, Tom Brady is out of condoms in Bermuda.

Saints (PK) vs FALCONS

This is it for the Saints. They will not let this season die just yet. “The Deuce is Loose” is the comeback phrase of the week. Man, that phrase sounds wrong.

Rams (+8.5) vs JETS

The Rams are better than 2-6. Actually, they’re just better than what happened last week against the Cards. Jets win but Rams keep it close. Brett Favre begins his sentimental MVP campaign this week.

DOLPHINS (-8) vs Seahawks

Dolphins appear to be solid. Seahawks appear to suck huge. Any questions? The Mike Holmgren retirement party can’t begin soon enough. You just know his wife Karen is waiting to tear open that bottle of Shiraz.

Packers (+2.5) vs VIKINGS

Packers have to win this week on the grounds that a Gus Frerotte offence can’t possibly make the playoffs. It just can’t. It won’t! Could be worse though: Scott Bakula could be next on the depth chart. (Note: Jerry Jones is reportedly close to signing Bakula to a $3M contract; Al Davis wishes he’d thought of it first)

Panthers (-8) vs RAIDERS

Carolina has had two weeks to prepare for Oakland. 10-1 odds say they spent it drinking and doing massive amounts of cocaine. Oh, and they still win by 20.

Chiefs (+15) vs CHARGERS

In what world do a 3-5 underachieving team coming off a bye week host a horrible yet “almost beat a good Bucs team” and give 15 points? In the wacky NFL that’s where! SD keeps pace with Denver, but it’s closer than 28-13.

STEELERS (-3) vs Colts

Mega “statement” game by Pittsburgh last week in Washington. They continue against the Colts who had no business winning against New England. While we’re on the subject of the movie Necessary Roughness, how come we live in a world where D.L. Hughley can get a show on CNN and Sinbad can’t even get a spot in a Cialis commercial? Can someone explain this to me???

EAGLES (-3) vs Giants

If the Giants walk into a hostile Philly and win this Sunday night, I’m a believer. To my buddy Ryan (just like the old coach!) this one will be for you. Until then, I have to go with the Eggles at home. This could be the game of the year.

Ravens (-1) vs TEXANS

The game that was SUPPOSED to be on Sunday Night. I’m curious to know if it’s not as much that this game will be worse, than that there’s less places for John Madden to go after the game in Houston as Philly for wings.

CARDINALS (-9.5) vs 49ers

Cards cement their NFC West title this week. Nobody is catching them. In other news, is anyone else out there hoping that the 49ers stink it up this week to the point where new coach Mike Singletary invariably eats one of his players? Would that even surprise anyone??

I'm back: Re-entry into Leafs Nation

You could argue it happened during that first game in Detroit. In fact, I wrote over 2500 words on that game detailing just what had happened and why it happened. You could also argue that it never really went away; trust me, for a while it did. The big shift happened last Saturday night when the Maple Leafs hosted Ottawa. I was at work and as usual the game was on the TV’s in the background. Only this time I found myself infinitely more interested in the game than I had been in years. I wanted to see a Toronto win and inexplicably began cheering when they scored a goal. I asked myself after the 3-2 win over the Senators “Could it be? Am I back?” I decided I needed further proof.

For the first time in five years I sat down and watched a Leafs game on my own time (the loss against Tampa Bay) and then the next night kept a close eye on the game in New Jersey. The way they came back against the Devils and eventually won the game in a shootout confirmed what I suspected after that first game in Detroit three weeks ago. Something has happened; the Toronto Maple Leafs have become a team worth rooting for once again. Not because they are better than they were from ’03-’08 (which they’re not; they’re a fun bunch, but definitely are a year or two away from being a contender) but because finally moves have been made in which all the things I hated about this team during that era are gone and in their place are a mix of young players and veterans, all of whom want a shot to play on an NHL team and all of whom exhibit the kind of spirit that the Maple Leaf players used to have during the late ‘80s and ’90s when I began watching them.

I grew up watching Hockey Night in Canada, most notably the Toronto Maple Leafs. This was back in the days of Ed Olczyk, Gary Leeman, Al Iafrate, Daniel Marois and Allan Bester and his horrible brown goalie pads. I remember in ’88 when the Leafs fought back from a 5-1 1st period deficit against the LA Kings and won 6-5 in overtime. I remember a couple of years later during their offensive explosion of 1990 when Wendel Clark scored the tying goal against the Bruins forcing overtime in a game that was 6-2 Boston heading into the 3rd. I can tell you how proud it was to be a Leaf fan in 1991 when our own Vinny Damphousse scored four goals in the All Star game in Chicago and won MVP honours. There was Mike Gartner’s “in off the post” goal in game 6 of the West Conference Semis in 1994. The ultimate highlight obviously was Nikolai Borschevsky’s game 7 winner against Detroit the year before. (It’s amazing that a player could be so forgotten in the league yet absolutely have unlimited drinks bought for him in this city more than 15 years later)

Lowlights included the six shot performance in the deciding game against the Devils in 2000; Gretzky’s ability to not get penalized for high sticking Doug Gilmour in the ’93 Campbell Conference finals; the second Leaf game I ever attended live in 1990 when the Winnipeg Jets scored six second period goals en route to a 10-2 drubbing; how about the entire Mike Murphy era of the mid 90s? The low lights always outweighed the high lights, but one thing remained constant: The players were likeable, hardworking and genuinely enjoyed doing what they did.

The Top 5 Maple Leafs in terms of ability, leadership, class, and love of the game were (in no particular order) Clark, Doug Gilmour, Mats Sundin, Curtis Joseph and Damphousse. Nobody (of players after 1980) could argue against Wendel. He was the fan favourite and combined scoring, agility, toughness and brought a level of energy unparalleled to anyone to ever wear the jersey in my lifetime; possibly only Cam Neely in Boston was a greater example. Everybody loved #17 and had he not suffered chronic injuries throughout his career could have rivalled Sundin as the top point getter in team history.

Gilmour came to Toronto in the massive trade of 1992 that involved ten players and the Calgary Flames. #93 was a solid player in Calgary but turned into a beast after donning the Blue & White. The summer of ‘92 was filled with optimism after seeing what the team turned into the previous spring. Gilmour delivered 127 points his first full season and 111 the following year; both times the Leafs went to the final four. He racked up the greatest personal seasons in team history and was instrumental in the teams turn around 15 years ago into a decade long (save a season or two) tenure as a contender.

Sundin famously was involved in the trade that sent Clark out of town. (Remember the outcry at this trade? People were furious; it was like GST all over again but turned into one of the best trades the organization ever made) He’s led the team in scoring every year since 1995 (save 2003 when Alexander Mogilny led) and has been the captain longer than anyone in team history. He makes every winger he plays with better (Steve Thomas, Sergei Berezin (he scored 37 goals one year!), Nik Antropov etc) and yet some people still question his leadership ability. He was injured during the 2002 playoffs run and still managed to come back in the 3rd round against Carolina. He bleeds blue & white and has been the only player worth mentioning the last 5 years.

Goaltending has always been a problem in this town. Ken Wregget? The aforementioned Bester? Peter Ing? Felix Potvin? (Man did he drop off; he’s like the NHL goalie equivalent of Malcolm in the Middle) It wasn’t until Joseph came into town in the late 90s that Maple Leaf goalie jerseys began being seen around. (Who can forget Joseph going crazy on referee Mick McGough during the ’00 playoffs against Ottawa?) Every goalie the team has had since then has wished he was as loved in this city as CuJo was. (Actually, the respect for CuJo could be sensed years before he actually began playing here; during the 1993 playoffs he put on a display still talked about while playing for the Blues)

Damphousse was the best Leafs player during a time when good players were few and far between. His Leaf career reached its zenith during that ’91 All Star game. Even after he was shipped to Edmonton in ’92 Leaf fans held him in high regard and though the Canadiens won the ’93 Stanley Cup it was nice to see Vinny holding it. We knew how good he was and how much of a heart & souler he was in Toronto. 1986-1991 was a horrible time to dawn the Maple Leaf jersey; he did it with class and always put forth the effort that at the time was clearly lacking on the ice and in the front office. If you’re like me, you remember him scoring his 1000th point as a member of the Sharks and were happy for him.

Why am I bothering to discuss all this history? Aside from taking any opportunity at all to bring up Gary Leeman, the fact remains that until 2003, I was a huge fan of the team; charter member of what has become “Leafs Nation” (modelled after Red Sox Nation I assume; the term was unheard of until about 4 or 5 years ago) and wore the blue & white proudly. It didn’t matter that a championship hadn’t been won in 35+ years. All that mattered was that the team was fun to watch, gave a great effort, and finally there was stability in the GM and coach positions.

In 2003 however, something changed. For one reason or another, I began feeling disinterested. Sundin was the only bright spot left. Clark had retired, Joseph was gone (and in Detroit) and we were left with a constant barrage of new players who would be signed to these ridiculous contracts year after year as well as so-called stars like Darcy Tucker or Antropov who were basically fringe players who in any other organization would have been traded or bought out long ago. (I love the old April Fools Day headline in the Sun: Antropov traded to Ducks for bag of pucks. Ok, so that never happened but still it would’ve killed!)

I couldn’t get into any of the new players brought in to help “win the championship”. They were all faceless individuals who had no spark, no jump and most of all no heart for what the Maple Leafs embodied. They tried, I mean a few of them even had great years, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t like cheering for a bunch of free agents that couldn’t gel together. The team lost its chemistry; it’s allure. And so after the 2002 season, unable to bear the fact that this team that I had loved more than any other in the world had begun a decline into a “pay now, develop later” team I felt the need to move on.

I became an NHL widow of sorts; a fan without a team. I began to follow the most unlikely of teams in the hopes that I could become a part of something better; something that wasn’t driven by an organization that wanted success so badly yet knew so little about how to obtain it. Case in point: the last Leaf draft pick to become anybody with the team was Tomas Kaberle, who was drafted ten years ago.

The Leafs had become so inept at drafting that they decided to try and build a team via the free agent market; which is fine if you know what you’re doing, (like the ’94 New York Rangers who yes won the Stanley Cup for the first time in 54 years yet also had the entire core of the 1990 Edmonton Oilers team on their roster) however the Maple Leafs were clueless. This led to Leaf teams from 2003-08 which varied in personnel from year to year because most of the free agents tanked. You could blame this on John Ferguson Jr, but that would be unfair. He had NO prior experience! This would be like catcalling a stripper on her first night for not “selling the fantasy” enough. The man was faced with a monumental challenge: Bring the Leafs, the continents most successful sports franchise with a championship drought, success. Neither you, nor I would have been able to live up to that challenge, but he did what he could. He signed a bunch of washed up players for average money with the hope that they would be able to duplicate their earlier successes. A couple did, most did not. Here’s a partial list

Robert Reichel (where they found him I have no idea)
Mikael Renberg (way past the legion of doom)
Shane Corson (you know Darcy got him in because of the family code)
Mariusz Czerkawski (really??)
Owen Nolan (not a bad gamble actually)
Jason Allison (chronic injuries ruined a potentially good career)
Jeff O’Neill (that “92” on his jersey always looked weird didn’t it?)
Bates Battaglia (forever a trivia answer to “name the 3rd member of the BBC line”)
Phil Housley (old)
Glen Wesley (old)
Mike Peca (washed up and old; and never really that good)
Eric Lindros (maybe the biggest cry for help signing in NHL history)

Not listed: door stops including Ken Klee, Aki Berg, Wade Belak, Karl Pilar, Tom Fitzgerald, and Mark Bell.

So yeah, not a pretty picture painted by any stretch of the imagination. (Seriously, Aki Berg HAS to be working as a street sausage vendor in Germany somewhere right? It’s a no brainer right???)

I gave up. After over 15 years as a loyal fan I had had enough. I was too young to appreciate the garbage teams of the 80s that infuriated Leaf fans. I liked hockey and the Leafs were the team that was always present on Saturday night, the only night a nine year old boy could stay up long enough to watch a full game. By the time the ‘90s rolled around the Leafs were the talk of the town; a fun team to watch loaded with talent and just plain interesting to follow.

And so the 2002-03 season began and I was busy following my new team. The Leafs made the playoffs in ’03 and ’04 and yet none of the Leaf fans I knew really seemed to get fired up by this bunch. It was as if they knew as much about the team as I did; a group of players put together right before the season in an effort to bring the city a championship yet at the same time lacking the substance and personality of the teams that preceded them. In other words: a group of boring hockey players.

When I arrived in Toronto prior to the 2005-06 season I expected to be engulfed in Leafs Nation. I expected to be bombarded with news, stats and general interest of a team I had lost touch with some three years earlier. I got nothing of the sort. Sure, every now and then the energy would be present. For the most part however, the people I encountered were only somewhat more into the Leafs as I was. I didn’t get it. With all the media in this city surely a huge amount of attention had to be paid to the team. What I didn’t realize at the time and didn’t realize until now perhaps, was that the city had also become tired of the state of the team. Every week the Toronto Sun would be littered with letters ranging from how the team had lost touch with the fans to how the team sucked in general. Writing in saying how your favourite team “sucks” is one thing; it lacks general sports knowledge and maturity. However complaining that the team has lost touch with the fans speaks volumes: it says that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way the team goes about their day to day business; that there is something wrong with the way they go about putting their team on the field; that there is something wrong. (The New York Knicks are in the same boat; signed too many “fringe players” and had a horrible General Manager running things for the last few years. If Gus Johnson’s “Hell Yes” is any indication, they’ve been waiting for something positive to happen for a LONG time much like us here in Toronto with our hockey team)

The most interested I ever saw a group of people concerning the Maple Leafs came not during a Leafs telecast, but the next day during a New Jersey-New York Islanders game. It was spring 2007 and the Leafs were one point ahead of the Islanders for the last playoff spot. The Devils had secured their spot weeks earlier so they started their backup goalie. The game went to a shootout leaving the Islanders victorious meaning that for the 2nd straight year the Leafs would not be playing spring hockey. The previous night however (when they eliminated Montreal and put themselves in position to make the playoffs) there wasn’t a sense of celebration as there was a sense of relief. Nobody wanted the Leafs to miss the playoffs for (gasp!) a second straight year. It didn’t matter that the team assembled was littered with "has been”s and overpaid “fringe” players. They were going to make the playoffs because they were the Leafs damn it!

Well what happened? They failed to make the postseason and displayed ineptitude for competing in this new era of hockey. The NHL instituted a salary cap during the strike of 04-05 meaning that teams could no longer simply buy players in an attempt to make a Cup run. It didn’t matter that the Leafs had proven unable to buy such a team on the grounds that they play in the most lucrative hockey market on planet earth. All of a sudden what mattered most was the ability to formulate a team based on salary, skill, age and above all else: tenacity (players who love the game; five or six skill guys and a bunch of rough and tumblers who cost next to nothing against the cap). The Leafs were in way over their heads as teams such as Detroit, Montreal, Atlanta (yes they DID win a division title; go figure) and Buffalo created teams which became the most prolific and entertaining in the “new NHL”. The draft mattered again; the Leafs and the NY Rangers were left as bottom feeders. (Although the Rangers got their act together in 2005 and now thanks to a rock solid goaltender and ridding themselves of horrible contracts like Bobby Holik are near the forefront of the league)

I went over the Maple Leafs and their horrible draft history in my Tankapolooza column back in August. I’ll just sum it up by saying it doesn’t look good.

Coming into the season I, along with numerous other media personnel (not to mention the Leafs front office) believed that the team would be near or at the bottom of the standings for the season. I picked them to finish last in the East. Even the most optimistic media outlets had them picked no higher than 12th. But the group of boys put together by GM Cliff Fletcher have overcome the odds during this first month of the season. (Think about that term for a minute. The Maple Leafs epitomize everything the term “boy” encompasses from their age and inexperience right down to their care free, rough & tumble, “give it your all” and “never say die” attitudes. Win or lose, this team is just all about fun.)

It was evident right from the start and has not cooled off after twelve games. There are so many reasons to be a fan of this franchise again. Let’s start with the coach. Ron Wilson is an offensive coach and had nothing to work with this season. The only player on the roster with a mild history of scoring goals was Jason Blake who tallied 40 in 2007. After registering 1 in the first two weeks of the season Wilson scratched him. Not necessarily a move many would make with “supposedly” your best scorer or someone who is near the top of the team’s payroll. Other players were scratched at different times as well and the message was received loud and clear. (It was like that baseball episode of the Simpsons when Mr Burns begins his tirade “No one is assured a spot on this (power plant) team. I don’t care if your name is Darryl Strawberry, Roger Clemens or… (to Smithers softly) Smithers what’s one of the bad player’s names??.... (to everyone) or Homer Simpson!”) If you were ready to play, you played. If you remotely represented anything that was present during the last tenure you were out. Blake still only has two goals, but the team has scored 14 in their last three games (as of Nov 2) and it’s the overall effect on the team that these benchings have achieved that is remarkable; not the effect on the individual.

Another reason this team has won me back is they’re on ice attitude. They’re impossible not to like. They bust their ass, never give up and genuinely enjoy playing the game. That said, I absolutely LOVE John Mitchell. He can skate, he can hit, he grinds it out in the offensive end, he back checks, he can play on the power play and he understands what is expected of him and all the rest of the players on the team: Play hard, go to the net and good things will happen. How many goals have the Leafs scored this season by simply jamming the puck to the net? 50%? More? It’s not a highlight style game being played by this team; it’s garbage hockey. It’s “cycle it down low, throw it to the net and hope someone on your team gets to it before someone on their team”. But it’s working.

This attitude was never more apparent than on Saturday night against the New York Rangers. For about the eleventh time in twelve games, the Leafs found themselves down 0-2 only this time there was only about a dozen minutes left in the whole game. This young eclectic mix of players didn’t roll over, yet didn’t take any dumb chances which could make it 0-3 and popped in two quick ones to tie the game. You know the rest. The Leafs poured it on and won 5-2. Even if they had lost 3-2 it would have been a satisfying game for a Leaf fan. The players are out there representing not only our city but themselves at the same time and they’re having a great time doing it. Even when this team loses you can’t argue that they didn’t grind out every shift and do so with the boisterous spirit so clearly lacking the past few years. (This attitude will hopefully carry over to future seasons and once they get some high end skill players will be a VERY fun team to watch.)

Case in point: The only time this team has been blown out this season was the “how the hell did we beat Detroit??” hangover game against Montreal. They’ve been in every other game since. Last season they suffered 5-1 or worse losses 13 times. It all comes back to the player’s attitude.

Even the players who last season and the year before were hated by the media or dismissed by fans as “second rate players given ice time for no apparent reason” have stepped up their game and seem to be contributing to this energy ridden team. Antropov and Alexei Ponikarovsky are prime examples. There’s more spring in their skate this season; Antropov especially has relished his role as the team’s offensive leader and 7 of his 9 points this year have either tied the game or put the team ahead. Pavel Kubina who spent most of last year as the answer to “worst off season signing in the league” has emerged as the kind of defenseman who you want taking the shot from the point on the power play. Coupled with Tomas Kaberle (perhaps the most underrated Leafs defenseman virtually unknown around the league since Dave Ellett) and there you have two players who can jump into the rush, get back and help and above all else serve as role models for the younger players on the blue line. This brings me to the Leafs backup goalie.

When Curtis Joseph was brought in this summer to serve as the Leafs backup I, along with many of you, questioned this move greatly. He’s in his 40s, hasn’t been a starter in years, is five years removed from being an adequate player in the league and above all else he goes 100% against this “young team” concept that we’d been hearing about all summer. It wasn’t until a few weeks into the season that I realized exactly why he was brought in: His only role on the team is to serve as a representative of the good ol’ Leaf boys of yesteryear that I begun this column discussing. He embodies everything that used to be right with the Leafs. His job is to get these players thinking about the city, the uniform, and the fans. The Maple Leafs became so disconnected with the fans in 2004-08 that they had to bring someone back. Wendel, Dougie and Vinny are all retired and Sundin is shopping at Ikea somewhere so the only one available was Joseph. (Plus it had to be someone from the past; Sundin wouldn’t fit the description. If there was ONE player from 03-08 right now you’d want in a Leafs uniform it would still be Mats.) It was a small move but a masterful stroke. It is paying dividends. (Even Mike Van Ryn has been playing well. Jeff Finger has been injured most of the season thus far but he’ll pick up. Niklas Hagman has been a beast, and Luke Schenn might finally be a draft pick the Leafs got right. Things are looking up.)

The look and feel of this hockey club is what has brought me back. The teams of the last few years lacked the energy and fun loving atmosphere that I used to enjoy. This is the kind of team you watch play and you’re happy with the work ethic and get excited when things are going well but not overly irritated when things aren’t. The team assembled by the men in power has brought a level of respect back to the Maple Leafs. These boys, through their playing style and energy level, make you proud to be a hockey fan, proud to be a Torontonian and most of all: proud to be a member of Leafs Nation. You can argue that they might not make the postseason, but you can’t question their heart and soul. That’s what’s been lacking around the city for these last few years. They may never win a Stanley Cup again, but every single night out you know that the 25 guys in the dressing room gave everything they had representing the city, the sweater and most importantly themselves. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m back. I’m totally back. Let’s start it up. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

A Halloween Monster and NFL Week 9!!

It is absolutely ironic that it’s Halloween tonight and the city of Toronto has witnessed the birth of a monster. For two seasons we’ve been waiting for this player to have the kind of game he had Friday night. After a decent rookie year, he plummeted last season and there were talks that he would never become the Dirk Nowitzki type the Raptors thought he could when they drafted him first overall in 2006. Injuries, a reluctance to step up his game, poor shooting decisions and a general slowness on the court all contributed to his being mainly a 7^th or 8^th player on the team last year. Tonight however, it was a different story: 8 of 10 shooting (including a massive drive and dunk), 5 rebounds and 3 blocked shots. The city of Toronto has been waiting (im)patiently for your arrival sir. Its Halloween night and Dr. Jekyl has left the building. Andrea Bargnani, you have arrived as Mr. Hyde: A monster. We can’t wait for more.

That being said, do you hear that? Listen for it? It’s me, the SportsOne, picking up my teeth after the colossal beating I took last week in my NFL picks. Last time I write an NHL fantasy column in place of my normal NFL picks column. With that in mind, let’s go right to it. Some really REALLY bad early games this week. As always, home teams are in CAPS.

VIKINGS (-4) vs Texans

Hey, remember when the Texans played a road game? Neither do I. It was week 4 against Jacksonville. After a 2-2 home stand (what is this, the NBA?) where they should have beaten Indy and could have beaten Miami, they go back on the road where they’ve been dreadful this season. Minny hasn’t played since that shoot out in Chicago a couple weeks ago, and that being said they should be able to score points on the Texans who have two wins against teams that are 0-15. Prediction: Vikings win big and destroy any playoff hopes for Houston. Just a side note, if Green Bay and Chicago have to play out doors shouldn’t Minnesota have to as well? Detroit has enough problems; they don’t need God to add any.

Jaguars (-7.5) vs BENGALS

With the Lions almost winning in Minny three weeks ago and nearly knocking off Washington last week, the Bengals are this year’s legitimate threat to go 0-16. Words just can’t describe how much of a train wreck this team has become. They have no passing game, no running game, no defence, they’ve quit on their coach and you know they’re getting close to the point where they say “you know what? We’ve tried the whole ‘goody two shoes thing’, everyone show up for the game on Sunday filled with cocaine or weed or whatever you guys do on your summer’s off and let’s try that instead.” Meanwhile the Jags and Indy will battle countless others for one of the AFC Wild Card spots. One (or both) of these teams will not make the playoffs. Who saw that coming? Oh and reason #320 why I love Gus Johnson. (He’s calling this one for CBS)

Bucs (-8.5) vs CHIEFS

The barrage of garbage early games this Sunday continues in Kansas City where Herm Edwards is apparently still coaching. First of all, did that Larry Johnson game really happen? My Broncos should be on the receiving end of some nice Christmas cards this year from the Chiefs and Patriots (for giving their fans the only thing worth cheering about this year; however shortly afterwards BOTH of their running backs that ran through the Denver defence like Rosie to Magnolia’s are done now) and also from the guy who is currently kicking for the Saints. Even though I don’t know how the Bucs score 9 points in this game, it’s very possible the NFL will give the Chiefs a negative point for wasting the career of Tony Gonzalez.

BROWNS (-1.5) vs Ravens

Are the Browns back? Could they possibly still make the playoffs?? Consider this, they’re in the same boat as Indy, Jacksonville, Miami and Houston and a game up on San Diego and a game back of the Jets and Ravens. At this point you can pretty much give Buffalo or New England one of the wild card spots, so with eight weeks left there are potentially eight teams battling for the other wild card (and that’s assuming Denver and Pittsburgh will hang on to their division leads. I’m betting on one team to hold. Can YOU guess which one may not? *Cough* Denver) Let the madness begin!

Jets (+5.5) vs BILLS

The last time the Bills played a home game the power went out and the game was un-televised for most of the first half. I only bring this up because there’s something I need to know. How many rib tips did Greg Gumbel put away during that 90 minute stretch where he was just sitting there watching the game and not talking? (I swear there was barbecue sauce on the corner of his mouth when the 3^rd quarter resumed. I swear!) As far as this game goes, it’ll be a close game so I’m taking the Jets with the points. (I’m still listening to that “Hell Yes!” mash up, sorry)

RAMS (+3) vs Cardinals

Can the RAMS make the playoffs too? Left for dead after week 5, they’re riled off two straight wins and easily could have beaten New England last week. They’re in the right division. The Niners and Hawks are done and the Cards still can’t win on the road, even when they play a perfect offensive game in Carolina. Stephen Jackson has been on fire lately and should tear apart the shoddy Arizona D. This could be one of those games where Warner starts fumbling the ball all over the place again. Just a gambling tidbit: Whatever the over is for this game, take the over. Take it. (SportsOne’s lawyers would like to remind everyone that the SportsOne is not liable for any losses one may entail during any and all gambling sessions. Coming after the SportsOne with baseball bats, lead pipes, wrenches, ex-wives, old people, babies or anything else deemed a weapon is prohibited)

Lions (+12.5) vs BEARS

In their last three games, the Lions have almost beaten Minny, Houston and Washington. Their last blow out loss was at home against: Da Bears. As much as I don’t think the Lions can beat anyone with Orlovsky at QB I also don’t think the Lions will roll over like their AFC Central counterparts. Bears win, but not by two TD’s. I can also guarantee I will not watch a down of this game.

TITANS (-5.5) vs Packers

The Titans have begun the “Oh yeah? Well we’re undefeated and YOU’RE NOT, so there!” phase of their schedule. I see them staying perfect this week (but not after next week) as they’re at home again and seem to put anyone away in good ol’ Tennessee. Meanwhile, I’m fairly convinced that Raptors TV has a deal with the people at Kids Help Phone as this “bully” commercial has played at least a dozen times during the Phoenix-New Orleans game tonight. It’s rapidly climbing the unintentional comedy scale as we speak. The first time it was effective, now I just want to laugh hysterically at this “bully” when he asks if the kids “mom gave him that haircut?” It’s not at the level of this, but what is? (Seriously, that guy must get “say the chocolate bars line” over and over and over wherever he goes!)

BRONCOS (-3) vs Dolphins

The B-Men have had two weeks to stew over that God-awful game in New England where Sammy Morris turned into Bo Jackson from Tecmo Bowl right before our eyes. I still don’t know what to make of this Miami team. Denver needs this one more than Miami seeing as A) they’re at home, B) they’ve lost two straight and C) with the Chargers off this week can go two up in the AFC AAA division. Just a side note, seeing as its Halloween, they really need to start marketing the “Mike Shanahan scowl” mask. You know the one where he shows his two front teeth? This could be big.

GIANTS (-8.5) vs Cowboys

The Cowboys somehow won last week against Tampa. How I’m not so sure; it was a boring game. The Giants went into Pittsburgh and whipped the Steelers intercepting Big Ben four times. Could it be? Are the Giants really destined to win back to back championships despite having zero “star” players in their lineup? (Note: As long as Peyton is still in the league Eli will always be thought of as second tier) I’m beginning to think so. Man they’re efficient. The ‘Boys meanwhile are finished until Romo gets back from his vacation with Tom Brady. (You just KNOW they’re together with their babes somewhere right?)

Eagles (-6) vs SEAHAWKS

Seattle went into San Fran last week and destroyed the 49ers leading to 49ers coach Mike Singletary giving us the best Coach tirade of the year by far! It wasn’t on par with classics like “Playoffs? Playoffs!?!?! We’re lucky to win a damn game!”, “Why do we play? We play to WIN THE GAME” or “They are WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!” but it was still fun. Meanwhile the Eagles remain lucky this week and beat them 24-17 or something along those lines.

COLTS (-6) vs Patriots

This is it for the Colts. Win and they can still make it to January. Lose and they’re more than likely done. That said, they have no excuse to lose this game at home and I can’t see the Pats winning here. Somehow New England is 5-2 through the first half of the season despite having a nothing passing game for the entire season and a nothing running game for almost half of the season. (See Broncos preview above) Indy will not lose this game. You can book that too. (Note from SportsOne’s lawyers: He’s on his own on this one. Do what you will)

REDSKINS (-2) vs Steelers

After the beat down that the Giants D gave the Steelers last week they travel to Washington to take on another NFC East team. Pitt is 0-2 vs the NFC East this season and they’re offence has managed about 23 yards and 17 INTS in those two games. I don’t see the ‘Skins D putting up massive numbers but they’ll be able to squeak it out against the Steelers who are a prime example of how the power has shifted from the AFC to the NFC. In other news, Fantasy Football quote of the year thus far. “Willie Parker: Questionable for Monday’s game: Coach Mike Tomlin was very confident that Parker may play on Monday.” Thank you Tomlin for expressing your confidence that Parker may possibly suit up. Next time just come out and say “Unless he shows up dead on Monday, I may play him.”

Last Week: 4-8-1

Season: 61-51-3