Mid Morning TV at it's Best! Running Diary...

Some people have asked me why I only write about Sports. Well, you gotta write what you know. Today however, let’s try something different. I woke up at 8:18am and couldn’t get back to sleep and decided I’d check out some mid morning TV for the first time in years. There’s not as much on as there used to be but still I found some things to keep me busy for a few hours. Here’s what transpired:

9:01am – First show: Live with Regis and Kelly Lee! Just so we’re all on the same page here, this is the Regis robot I’m watching right? He’s actually dead and this is the replacement right?? He looks exactly the same as he did 15 years ago the last time I was awake to watch this show. Kelly Lee looks good too.

9:04 – Regis just showed a picture of the Bush’s and the Obama’s posing together with the caption “Welcome!” George looks like he’s about to throw up.

9:09 – They’re talking to a couple Army and Navy officers who are sitting in the audience because it’s Veterans (Remembrance) Day in the US today. Just a thought as the camera pans over the audience: When did they stop allowing men in to watch this show? It looks like Rosie got a hold of the audience director.

9:16 – You really have to hand it to Regis. He’s 140 years old, been in the business since the 60’s and now he has to sit here beside this dullard and pretend he’s interested in anything she has to say. You can just read his thoughts “OMG Stop! Nobody cares. Just sit there and look pretty. I really have to go to the bathroom. When’s the first commercial break? Damn this live show. My hip hurts.”

9:20 - Yes, they still do that contest where they call women at home and allow them to answer questions and get prizes. This leads to an uncomfortable moment when the woman mentions she has six children and Kelly (who else?) casually asks her “what else does your husband do?” Now Regis looks like he wants to vomit.

9:21 – Ladies and Gentlemen the Question! “On Monday’s show, in what 1983 movie did Regis and Kelly say Jeff Goldblum starred in?” The answer given by the woman: Jurassic Park. Ahhhh too bad! The real answer: The Big Chill. Certainly anyone Regis’ age would’ve gotten that one!! On the minus side yesterday I could’ve seen Kelly ask someone what that movie is.

9:26 – Regis just said “this is Regis and Kelly do it week”. That CAN’T be what it sounds like can it? Did we finally find out why Kelly is on this show?

9:29 – Probably a good time to mention the show’s line up: First guest is Olympic Beach volleyball player and Dancing with the Stars contestant Misty May-Treanor. Next is Seal. Where on earth did they find Seal?? This must be the day where he doesn’t perform at kids birthday parties or bar mitzvahs.

9:31 – Apparently Misty was eliminated from DWTS because she got injured which leads to her to say she feels like she got hosed. “I want to be eliminated for sucking.” Fighting the urge.

9:36 – Oh, “Regis and Kelly Do-It Week” is where they go off and do things. That really didn’t explain it very well did it. Sorry, this is the first time I’ve seen 9:36am since high school. Is it too early for a drink?

9:37 – Kelly is going to dance with the NY Knicks cheerleaders for her “do-it” segment. I’m really hoping they’ll be dancing to the “Hell Yes” Gus Johnson montage from last week. On the plus side they’re using “Here Comes The Hotstepper” by Ini Kamoze as the intro music. Yes, I actually remembered Ini Kamoze. I’m having that drink.

9:39 – Kelly talks with the Knicks dance coordinator and has a conversation about what they’ll be doing. Kelly says “I’m not going to break a hip am I?” You just KNOW there’s footage of the coordinator saying “who are you, Regis?” in the outtakes somewhere! With that they all begin practicing the routine.

9:43 – Great shot of MSG custodial staff watching in the background.

9:46 – Brand new Leon’s commercial. Is there another store which has seen a decline in the value of their commercials than Leon’s? They used to be brilliant. Like the one where the old man sits at the kitchen table crying quietly while a glass of milk has been spilled, leading to a “Don’t cry over spilt milk. Leon’s No-Money Miracle has been extended!” How about the one where they audition people of various ethnicities to say “Ho Ho Ho!” for their “Ho Ho Hold the payments” thing they do every Christmas. These are the kind of rants I go on before noon.

9: 50 – Seal is on now. He is still the award holder for “Guy with the biggest facial disfigurement who somehow got a really really hot wife”. I still miss his Kid-N-Play hairstyle from 1994.

9:54 – They’re looking for a new theme song on Regis and Kelly and holding a contest where the winner will get to play it on the show and win $100K. Did we learn NOTHING from the Hockey Night in Canada debacle??

9:56 – Ooh there’s a new President’s Choice guy! He strangely looks like the illegitimate son of the old round guy they had, just younger and thinner. He obviously hasn’t developed a similar love for those “Decadent” cookies yet. Or developed his own beer.

9:58 – We’re in the part of the show where they do 15 seconds of show between 8 minutes of commercials. On the plus side, Miley Cyrus is going to fight Amy Winehouse on Thursday’s show!

10:00 – Well that’s done. I really don’t feel like I miss much being asleep at this time every morning. It’s 10 now and there’s only one thing on that remotely interests me and that’s because it’s the only show that was on the last time I was awake and watching TV at this hour. Get ready for an hour of what I hope will be lots and lots of “You are NOT the father!” Ladies and gentlement it’s time for Maury Povich!

10:03 – Slutty girls, deadbeat guys and a 60 year old man who is somehow on TV while the other pioneers of this dreck are in forced retirement. (We’ll get into that later) What more could you want?

10:05 – Someday they will have a show devoted to “Helping children cope with desires to kill their parents because they were on a ‘Not the father!’ Maury Povich show, hosted by Jaleel White.”

10:08 – According to the mother of the guy who is accused of being the father, “that girl sleeps with everybody even the tow truck driver.” Not him too!

10:09 – I just realized that this would be an amazing betting show. You could give odds, moneylines and everything! If only it wasn’t on at a ridiculous hour of the day.

10:10 – He IS the father! Shocking. Either way, the family is destroyed right? There’s no coming back from “You’re a ho and this can’t be my baby” right?

10:12 – I’m really tired of these “Rogers kids”. You know, the five friends who have all the Rogers phones and stuff? I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate a commercial character more than the Canadian Tire guy from a few years ago, but this blonde girl is really coming close. I hate her.

10:14 – Are you a 13, 14 or 15 year old girl who loves sex and doesn’t care what your parents say? If so, call! I’m going to put that ad on Craigslist and see how long it takes before Chris Hansen shows up at my house.

10:18 – Oh the plot thickens for this one. According to the guy, “the girl seduced me and it was supposed to be a one night stand only. Then she calls me up and says she’s pregnant.” If this was me, there would be drinks for everyone if I found out I wasn’t the father. I’m taking the “Not the father” on this one solely to see a massive celebration.

10:20 – The moment of truth: Not the father. He goes crazy and there’s the obligatory shot of the girl running off the stage in tears. See kids? Always use the pill and a condom! Or YOU just might end up on the Maury Povich show.

10:21 – The guy is still going crazy. Actual quote into the camera by him: “You want results?? 1-888-45-MAURY! This cat gets it done!” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

10:24 – I wonder how many of these father things they do on a show? Why even bother with the back stories? Just line up 40 couples and tell it to them one after another. I’m picking “Not the father” in this one too. Don’t ask me why, just a hunch.

10:26 – The dude just said he’ll stay and be there regardless if he’s the father or not. You can just see the girl’s face. Even SHE knows he’s not the father; it doesn’t look like she knows who IS the father though. You know how some girls just look like they’re easy? This girl has an “Easy (disambiguation)” page on Wikipedia.

10:27 – Not The Father! Two more lives destroyed with the help of Maury! I would just like to say at this point that before I said how Maury is still on TV but none of the other ones from the 90s made it past that decade. Why is that? What happened? Is it because his wife is a former CBS News anchor? I mean Sally Jessy is gone; Ricki is gone; Montell is gone; Geraldo decided to tackle politics instead; Jenny Jones fake breasts exploded; Donahue is gone; I can’t find Jerry Springer anywhere so maybe he’s gone too. We’re left with Maury and Steve Wilkos. (If you haven’t seen Steve Wilkos please do so. He was Springer’s old security guard. His show is like a tier below Jerry’s show, and we all thought that was impossible)

10:32 – Is your teenage daughter so out of control and wild that it’s destroying your life? If so, call! That’s going on Craigslist too. What a great way to pick up distraught low self image mothers. Chris Hansen can’t stop this train!

10:35 – Wow, both men here want to be the father. That’s new. There’s the one night stand guy and the serious relationship guy. I remember a bunch of years ago when they lined up six men and none of them were the father. Possibly the ultimate highlight.

10:38 – I’m picking the underdog in this one: The One-night stand as the father. It’s so much more fun when three lives are destroyed rather than two lives being saved isn’t it?

10:39 – and NEITHER of them is the father! A monumental upset! Who saw this coming? I want Maury to say HE’S the father now. How would Connie Chung handle that I wonder?

10:43 – Is your 13, 14 or 15 year old daughter physically violent towards you and it’s ruining your life? If so, call! Seriously, what’s up with the age stipulation? I mean, sure we all love 13, 14 and 15 year old girls….don’t we? Uh oh. Look like its back to jail for me. (Cue Tim Allen laugh)

10:45 – At first glance this woman on the show seems pretty together. She’s a little bit older (30+) and seems like an intelligent woman. Until she laughs and you can see a tongue ring. Really? A tongue ring? Is this 2002? Is there another piercing that has fallen so far in so little time? Just reeks of trailer trash. I would know! (Never mind, I wouldn’t know)

10:46 – I really think this guy might be the father, which would really infuriate the guys mom. I don’t know what to root for. I hate the guy’s mom, so I guess I’m rooting for that. What? They’re going to commercial before they reveal the details? Garbage. (Just for the record: I really REALLY want to be watching the day they find something where the girl doesn’t know the father, and present are the girl, the guy, the guy’s mom and dad and the girls best friend and it turns out that the guys DAD is the father! Someone call Steve Wilkos, we can make this happen! Yes we can! Yes we can!)

10:51 – Are you a female who likes sex and doesn’t care who you have it with? If so call! (Ok I made that one up. Don’t think that would fly on Craigslist, but worth a try!)

10:52 – He IS the father. I’m 4 for 5 today, with only that massive upset holding me back. There’s only eight minutes left, possibly time for more baby news!

10:55 – No more father updates. Too bad. I really wish Maury did a “last word” segment like Jerry used to do. You remember those serious soliloquies he would perform after all the outrageous stuff happened on his show? There’d be a show about KKK members who like sex with little black girls and he’d say something like “Just remember, we’re all different and we all need to be respected. My guests hopefully learned something today.” Maury doesn’t offer that. Too bad. What’s on at 11?

11:00 – Ok I found two shows here. One is the Price is Right (an 11am staple!) but I momentarily forgot that Bob Barker isn’t hosting anymore. I have yet to watch Drew Carey host this show and not sure how I feel about it, so I’ll be going between that and The View. I know what you’re thinking “The View? Really SportsOne? Why???” The answer: If you want unintentional comedy at its best, look no further than four women who plain hate each other. This promises to be fun.

11:01 – First of all, I love how they replaced big, fat, black Star Jones with big, fat, black Sherri Shepherd. The only difference? Sherri is massively more idiotic than anyone in the history of TV. A master stroke by Barbara Walters.

11:03 – Elisabeth Hasslebeck: The ultimate choice for “Girl who is mega hot until she opens her mouth and speaks. Then you just want to smack her”. I miss Survivor 2.

11:05 – Whoopie begins a discussion talking about the Bush/Obama meeting the day before. Can’t you just picture the introduction?

George W. Bush: Hey, you must be the new President elected.
Barack Obama: Yes I’m Barack Obama.
GB: Here let me show you around Buck.
BO: No, it’s Barack.
GB: Beck? Back? Boggle?
BO: No Barack.
GB: Oh ok The Rock. Let’s go.

11:09 – Just switched over to PIR. We’re 20 seconds in and Drew just made a fat joke about himself. Why can’t Colin Mocharie and Wayne Brady be on this show too? That would be fun. The only problem with PIR is that there’s a commercial every four minutes. Boo. Where’s that drink I ordered.

11:12 – YES! It’s another commercial featuring Busy’s dad from Ready or Not!! Is he the ultimate “That Guy!” in Canadian TV history?

11:13 – Back to The View: Today’s guest is Elton John. Say you want about him, but that’s pretty cool.

11:16 – There’s something about Whoopi Goldberg that makes her able to talk about sex without you becoming absolutely disgusted. If only Elisabeth would follow her footsteps. (C’mon, even SHE wouldn’t be able to screw that up would she?) Just a side note: Ballroom dancing should absolutely be in the Summer Olympics. I will always defend this position.

11:20 – Flipped over to PIR just in time to see the Showcase Showdown. Why do they even bother stating the rules anymore? Is there anyone in North America who doesn’t know if you go over $1.00 you lose? They have a new wheel though. It’s the same, but different if that makes any sense. On the minus side, there are no horribly old people spinning today. I miss the days when an Estelle Getty look-a-like couldn’t get the wheel all the way around and the audience would “Boo” her mercifully at the encouragement of Barker.

11:25 - The bids for a catamaran range from $1500 to $8000!? When did they stop giving away $400 clocks as prizes during the bidding round? The $8000 guy was only $5400 off! Next time!

11:27 – YES! It’s the Clock Game! The ONLY game where if you know how to do it, you WILL NOT LOSE! Let’s see if this woman knows what’s she’s doing. She has no idea. Oh well. Another time.

11:31 – There’s no men in the audience at The View either. Big surprise.

11:36 – Both shows are in commercial right now. No good commercials this morning. What happened to the commercials that spoke directly to old people? Where’s Wilford Brimley talking about “Dia-beet-us”? Where’s the “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” lady? Tears.

11:38 – PIR is back. They’re playing a game called “Pass the Buck”. Never heard of it. Where’s the yodelling mountain climber when you need him?

11:49 – (I know, eleven minutes since my last entry. The View is dead air right now) They have new a showcase set on PIR as well! Side note, one of the girl contestants looks very similar to the 3rd girl on Maury whose boyfriend wasn’t the father. Hmm. I’m gonna investigate this one.

11:51 – 1st showcase is an HD TV, new computer and a trailer. Sounds like a pass to me. And it is! Really, we need to get some odds for calling PIR. Uh oh, the second one opens with a new bedroom. This is never a good sign.

11:52 – Showcase #2 includes a massage table!? Don’t you love it when they give away prizes that nobody would ever want or use? “His and her Snowmobiles” is probably the most obvious of these.

11:57 – Girl #1 bid $21500 on the trailer showcase while girl #2 bid $16013(?) on the one with the bedroom set and hottub. I’m thinking girl #2 wins here, but we’ll find out in a minute.

11:58 – Girl #1 wins as the massage table was apparently $12000!!! Oh well, it’s almost noon and I’m totally ready to attempt to sleep again. Goodbye mid morning TV. See you in 2015!!