Wednesday, November 26, 2008

NHL Quarterly Report plus Garbage Thanksgiving NFL Games!

Well we’re officially a quarter of the way through the season and seeing as some teams are already out of it (that means you Dallas) I figured it was a good time to bring back the SportsOne power rankings!


HAROLD BALLARD DIVISION


30. Dallas Stars


Mike Modano has to be added to the trade list soon doesn’t he? And what happened to Marty Turco? He’s throwing his 2010 Canadian Olympic spot away isn’t he? I can’t stop asking questions! Dallas can’t be this bad. They have Sean Avery!


29. Florida Panthers


It’s hard to remember a time when the Panthers weren’t in this division. Thomas Vokun is wishing he hadn’t taken the money right about now. Oh and the Wade Belak trade is looking pretty good for Toronto. Just saying. They need to start paying D-Wade to come to home games or something or better yet put him in the line up! Florida is awful.


28. Ottawa Senators


This team is here because not only are they bad but they’re much much worse than anyone thought they’d be. The teams of the future need to look at the Sens and the Lightning for how NOT to do things in the new salary cap era. You can’t compete when you have a substantial bulk of your money invested in three players. You also can’t compete when your goalie appears drunk in net.


27. Atlanta Thrashers


If Ilya Kovalchuk was from North America, I have a feeling he’d be more vocal about his inclusion in the 2010 NHL Free Agent frenzy, a la LeBron. Somebody, more than likely the Kings, are going to be very happy with their acquisition in two summers.


JOHN FERGUSON JR DIVISION


26. Tampa Bay Lightning


So, we’ve fired our coach, set our No 1 draft pick back a few months and underachieve night in and night out. We can build on this!! The gambling itch for Rick Tocchet has to be climbing doesn’t it? If there was anyone in Tampa who knew you could bet on hockey he’d be in trouble.


25. Colorado Avalanche


Thank the Lord! We’ve finally reached the “Colorado Avalanche are horrid” era. Sorry Stewart but you’ve had a lot of years, it’s over. Patrick Roy isn’t walking through that door! Peter Forsburg isn’t walking through that door! (We don’t think) Claude Lemieux isn’t walking through that door! (Again, we don’t think)


CRASH LANDING


24. Edmonton Oilers

23. Phoenix Coyotes


These two teams were supposed to be much better this year. The Oilers in their defence have played a huge number of road games already so their record is a little skewed. The Coyotes have the worst PP and 4th worst PK in the league so they’re a little screwed (See? It’s all part of a plan!) Edmonton will be able to make up this so-so start in the second quarter of the season. Phoenix’s youngsters have not played up to expectations yet. Wayne Gretzky could still play right? Why not add himself in and play on the power play. I think the SportsOne has something here.


UP AND ATOM!


22. Toronto Maple Leafs


We are about to enter the Brian Burke era in Toronto. Needless to say, this team has played better than anyone

thought possible coming in. They’ve lost four straight and teams are beginning to not let the Leafs out-work them. What to do about the goaltending problem however. CuJo can’t do it. Only time will tell. Vesa Toskala, it’s 14:56.


21. Los Angeles Kings


The Kings are improving. Patrick O’Sullivan is turning into a great compliment to Kopitar and you know they’re going to get another lottery pick this summer and they have tons of cap room so they might even be able to lure a high profile free agent. That being said, they’ve played almost the complete opposite schedule as Edmonton so their record as misleading as ESPN Classic Canada. (Yay! I get to watch old time hockey and baseball games! That’s not all SportsOne, you also get hours and hours of classic billiards, darts and bowling! (wait for it…) Woo-hoo!)


20. New York Islanders


Let’s put it this way: Things cannot get any worse for the fishermen, er, Islanders. Rick DiPetro still isn’t a franchise goalie, but oh well. Sometimes your rookie GM blows those 15 year signings you know? They’ve won some games here and there though as Doug Weight continues to show no signs of pushing 50. At least Charles Wang hasn’t attempted to bring in his own people yet. Somewhere Jim Paek’s son is hopeful. (Speaking of which, Jim Paek HAS to be in the running for the “Guys who turned up in NHL ’94 yet we never saw them play a single shift” award. I also nominate Link Gaetz and Ed Ronan.)


19. Columbus Blue Jackets


Speaking of teams who have managed to win a few here and there, the Blue Jackets are hanging among the 8 and 9 teams in the uber competitive Western Conference. Rick Nash has cooled off a bit but it hasn’t mattered as the team is playing great defence and seems to have a goalie controversy on their hands. Look for Pascal LeClaire to be dangled at the trade deadline. Things might finally be looking on the up and up in Ohio.


GROWING PAINS


18. St Louis Blues

17. New Jersey Devils

16. Buffalo Sabres


The Blues are a young team, the Devils are getting used to life without winning, I mean without Martin Brodeur and the Sabres are back to earth following that torrid start. I see all of these teams being in the playoff hunt come February with the Blues dropping out before March. The Devils will get their franchise back and come April will be once again playing to half empty playoff crowds. Meanwhile, if the Sabres fail to make the postseason, how much would it cost to get Rick Jeanneret to come to CBC and call games as the 3rd team? Whatever it is, they should pay it. He’s the Gus Johnson of the NHL.


UN-IMPORTANT ALLSTARS


15. Nashville Predators

14. Carolina Hurricanes


Two grapes? Who cares.


YOU HEAR THAT? HE WAS GETTIN’ THERE!


13. Calgary Flames


For those of you who aren’t familiar with Carl’s line in Dazed and Confused, I cast thee out! The Flames have shown signs of being an elite team this year, yet also have played horrible on occasion. They’re a good bet to make the playoffs still, yet I can’t see them winning a series unless they manage to put a few winning streaks together.


12. Anaheim Ducks

11. Philadelphia Flyers


Both of these teams were slow out of the gate but have seemed to put themselves together, especially the Flyers. If either of these teams learn how to play at home, watch out for them. Daniel Briere is the new Theo Fleury, without the toughness or booze. That being said, I hate the Ducks.


WAIT UNTIL WE GET SOMETHING FOR GABORIK


10. Minnesota Wild


Wait until he comes back, they trade him and get something good for him. Just wait. The best fans in the United States deserve a cup run. And a name/logo change. If the CFL can have two teams named the Roughriders and the Rough Riders than the NHL can have two teams named the Stars and the North Stars. I miss that green “N”. I miss the Nordiques “N” too. I think I need to see my psychiatrist.


FUN HOUSE


9. Chicago Blackhawks

8. Washington Capitals

7. Pittsburgh Penguins


There are no “more fun” teams to watch in the entire league than these three. They score at will (like porn), have

great exciting youngsters (like porn) and the Pens and Caps are loaded with Russians (like good porn). That being said, Ovechkin has turned into a madman the last few weeks. He went though a few games without any points as he clearly had other things on his mind (death in the family) but now he’s back to snatch the team scoring lead from Alexander Semin. Crosby and Malkin continue to rack up points as well. If Edmonton could start winning some games, they might join this most prestigious group of teams that at this point have no chance of winning the Cup.


NEAR BEER


6. Vancouver Canucks


The Canucks vaulted into the “almost contenders” category after going into Manhattan, Minnesota and Pittsburgh and winning all three. Oh they also beat Detroit at home afterwards. The Sedin twins have emerged as legitimate No 1 guys, with Naslund gone. Obviously they still have the best goalie that everyone refuses to admit is the best goalie in the league between the pipes. The Northwest Division and a No 3 seed is in their future.


5. Boston Bruins


Milan Lucic is the new Cam Neely. Sort of. He can’t score like Neely and will never be remembered for his portrayal of a seedy jerk at a diner like Neely (can I get a “kick his ass Seabass”?) but he hits like him and has turned into a fan favourite. Enough has been made about Tim Thomas being left off the All Star Ballot. I don’t get why people care so much. The NHL starters play the first 45 seconds, and then most of the time the coach jumbles the lines for the rest of the game anyway. Plus, I would rather be the goalie for the 3rd period than the first. Bruins fans needn’t cry. Thomas will be in the All Star game. They’ve shown they can beat the Habs, so by January they could be in the next category.


4. New York Rangers


After a crazy start the Rangers are only 6-4-1 in November. That’s not enough to put them over the top. They’re still a team I’d bet on to come out of the East however. And if you’re like me, you’re salivating over a possible NYR-Phi round one playoffs, NYR-Pit round two playoffs and NYR-Mtl round three playoffs. Oh wow, I think it’s time to go back to the doctors.


FAVORITES


3. Detroit Red Wings


The Wings were No 2 until they got manhandled by the Habs (Canadiens is too long to type) on Wednesday night. They’re still a lock to win their division and with all the leadership on the team almost a lock to play in the West finals. Say what you want about the Maple Leafs, the Wings are the most fun team to hate in the league. It’s always a plus when they’re good. Niklas Lidstrom is turning into the Greg Maddux of hockey. Much like Maddux, I have a feeling he’s going to win Norris Trophy’s until he retires just because he’s Nik Lidstrom. (Seriously, I want video evidence that shows Maddux had a better fielding year than anyone else in the NL! Sorry, random MLB rant)


2. Montreal Canadiens


Les Habitants moved into the No 2 position with their win over the Red Wings in Detroit. They can score, play defence, play goal and are well coached. I don’t know if they deserve to put six starters in the All Star game but what do I know. They’re a fun team to watch and they are clearly the class of the East so far. Boston is breathing down their neck however, and Montreal really should have won that game on Patrick Roy night. Speaking of which, does Roy have a third son that we can get to murder someone on the ice? That’s the next logical step right?


1. San Jose Sharks


They’re unbeaten at home, they have a balanced team and great goaltending. They’re leading goal scorer who looks half Japanese and sounds Italian. How’s that for a global village. Also, it was during the Sharks-Hawks game which I saw the greatest NHL commercial ever. So, yeah I'm sold on the Sharks so far.


It’s also week 13 of the NFL season, Thanksgiving Day in the US meaning there’s three Thursday games this week. Here’s my take:


Titans (-11) vs LIONS


Thanks to Bretty and the Jets (not bad eh?) we are robbed of an 11-0 vs 0-11 match up that would have rivalled any game involving the York football team this year. (They’re also called the Lions, and just for the record if I had to work at a school whose football team was as bad as that I’d be on strike too.) Now we get 10-1 vs 0-11 and the spread is 11 which begs the question as to how much it would be if the Titans had a potent offence? Take last years Pats and put them in this game, what is the line? 25? 30? Would they even allow betting on this game? These are the kinds of things you ponder after doing 5,500 worth of history and geography essays in the last two days.


COWBOYS (-13.5) vs Seahawks


Ah another garbage Thanksgiving Day game. Really, I can see the Tennessee-Detroit game being seen as marginally okay last spring when the schedule came out but Seattle? They couldn’t have given us hmm let’s see, ANYONE ELSE on Dallas’ home schedule? (Other than San Fran of course) On the plus side we’ll get to see Fox bring out the massive mutant “Mr Bean” size turkey at the end of the game. On the minus side, we no longer get to hear John Madden’s mouth water uncontrollably in the background.


Cardinals (+3) vs EAGLES


The Eagles are in full fledged nuclear bomb mode. The coach doesn’t have faith in the quarterback, the quarterback doesn’t have faith in the running game and nobody has faith in the coach. When I heard Donovan McNabb got benched for the second half of the game in Baltimore (and thus giving us the great fantasy point total of the year: -4 points!) I almost thought Koy Detmer was still on the team. Sorry Danny Kolb. Meanwhile, Arizona has emerged as the premier consistent offence in the league. 2008 will be the year we look back on when it comes time to think about putting Kurt Warner in Canton. They sew up the division on Thursday night.

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