NFL Week 15!

We’re officially in crunch time. Only two weeks after this and still plenty to figure out, including playoff spots, draft picks and the immortal question of who is fatter: Romeo Crennel or Andy Reid. “Christmas is coming, the coach is getting fat….” Here are some thoughts for week 15.

JAGUARS (+2) vs Packers

The most disappointing team in the NFL this season vs the most disappointing team in the second half. Although the Jags quit a few weeks ago, they’ll show up this week. What am I basing that on you ask? Two things, and they’re both the same: Absolutely nothing. Also, a moment of silence for Fred Taylor who was placed on IR and is probably done for his career. Thank you.

COLTS (-17) vs Lions

Well that was fun. The Lions almost vindicated me by winning last week against Minny. This week they’re looking 0-14 in the face. That “Matt Millen Firing Party!” thing seems like eons ago doesn’t it? On the other side, Manning and company seem like they’ve gotten things together. Looking very scary indeed, although they couldn’t play in Cleveland two weeks ago and beat up a horrid Bengals team last week. They’re like that girl you meet at a frat party who says she’s 19 and taking Sociology but you’re positive she’s lying and only 16 and even though for a split second you figure it doesn’t matter you ultimately decide you need more info. I think we need more info on the Colts. That being said, we won’t get it until they’re destroying my Broncos in Denver during Wild Card week. (Cue MSN frowny face)

BENGALS (+7) vs Redskins

The Bengals are bad. The ‘Skins are bad at covering the spread. ‘Skins win but not by a touchdown. Meanwhile, while watching Basketball Diaries on the other night, I decided if you’re going to have a movie made about you, you want Leonardo DiCaprio to portray you. Think about it. You get a great actor and let’s face it, um, you could do a lot worse than him. (Right girls?) With my luck, the SportsOne would be played by Rob Schneider.

FALCONS (-3) vs Bucs

This is the huge early game this week. The ‘Cons (that works doesn’t it?) will not go away and as everyone has been saying, the NFC South teams do not lose at home. The Bucs’ defence is in peril after that beat down in Carolina on Monday night. Atlanta keeps its playoff hopes alive with another win. While we’re on the subject of playoffs, (Playoffs??!!) remember back in September when everyone was talking about the NFC East as the sure fire 3 team playoff division? Come to mid December, and the NFC SOUTH looks like it might get 3 playoff teams. Who knew? (Random NHL note: Is it OK to start calling Mikail Grabovsky “Borchevsky 2.0”? Can we get a ruling?)

49ers (+6.5) vs DOLPHINS

You almost get the feeling the Vegas guys are making these lines based on the way the Dolphins played the previous week, not on how good Miami actually is. That being said, the 49ers are playing inspired football now (see girls? This is why us guys are trying to get our pants off all the time. It inspires people) and dare I say it, they seem to have an actual capable QB at the helm. Miami needs this game more the San Fran does obviously, but don’t be surprised if the Niners keep it close, or make off with a win.

RAMS (+2.5) vs Seahawks

Have we ever had 2-11 vs 2-11? Someone call Elias on this one, please! Both of these teams needn’t be discussed. Hopefully Fox is sending interns to call this game. Or maybe they’ll just send cameras and the TV fans in St. Louis and Seattle will just get video and be forced to imagine what would be being said like when CBC was on strike a few years ago. Oh and also, there is NO excuse to punt in this game, I don’t care what the circumstances are. (4th and 19 from the 4? What the hell, air it out!!! 4th and goal from the 5? Sounds like a double reverse to me!) Why can’t Andy Reid do an emergency coach job for this game?

JETS (-7.5) vs Bills

The Bills are hopefully enjoying the money the late Ted Rogers gave them for playing eight games in Toronto over the next five years. (Let us never speak of the short cut again) The single biggest problem with the whole experiment is that I know a ton of NFL fans and not one of them follows Buffalo. This whole thing is doomed if the next game isn’t Buffalo vs Dallas. Although it was fitting that the SkyDome (remember, I refuse to call it “that name”) was as silent as a funeral, which it was for the Bills. Meanwhile, the Brett Favre Madden curse has begun. You just wait. Ooo.

Titans (-3) vs TEXANS

I refuse to believe in this Houston team. They beat a garbage Jax team at home and then went into Green Bay and snuck out with a win against a team that has underachieved in this second half like no other. That being said, Tennessee is for real and can clinch home field throughout the playoffs with a win and a Steeler loss. It happens this week.

RAVENS (-3) vs Steelers

This has garbage game written all over it. The over/under is 34.5 but I swear they could’ve put it at 19.5 and people would say to themselves “you know, that’s low….but I really could see this game being 10-7”. The Ravens have over achieved all season and I see no reason why they won’t continue to do so. The question remains however: Why does every game Baltimore plays have a “garbage game” stigma attached to it?

PANTHERS (-7) vs Broncos

I love my Denver Broncos. That being said, they’re about to get pummelled. The title of “Denver Broncos RB” has turned into a real life “Spinal Tap Drummer” has it not? No spontaneous combustions though, as of yet anyways. On a side note, can’t we all just get along? The Titans two running backs had the “Smash & Dash” nickname first. Can’t we just call the Panther duo “Punch & Pie”? Or “Load & Shoot?” or my personal favourite “Pass & Gas?”

CARDINALS (-3) vs Vikings

Tavaris Jackon (remember him? From weeks 1 & 2?) gets the start for Minnesota. Just what the Vikings fans want: The unstable, second year QB who couldn’t get it done in September starting in a “need to stay ahead of Chicago” game in December in Glendale. Cardinals never lose at home. Jackson never wins.

RAIDERS (+7) vs Patriots

New England didn’t look great last week in Seattle. Oakland never looks good (unless they’re playing my Broncos. Ladies and gentlemen your 2008 Denver Broncos, making the Raiders and Chiefs look great! [cue MSN “WTF” face…well there should be a WTF face!]) however New England stayed on the west coast this week, presumably to engage in drinks and strippers with Tom Brady who’s been on the west coast for a few weeks now. (Wouldn’t you be?) Oakland for some reason keeps it close. Meanwhile Raiders fans prepare the 5 mile migration to San Francisco.

COWBOYS (-3) vs Giants

Giants without Brandon Jacobs + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + Cowboys playing at home + a really great week 16 game between the Panthers and Giants for home field advantage in the NFC Playoffs at stake if the Giants lose and the Panthers win + Cowboys playing at home = Dallas wins 24-17 or something like that. Oh and I also just realized we’re a few months away from a potential real life “The Longest Yard” featuring inmates Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress and coached by OJ Simpson! ABC would HAVE to at least send Brent Mushberger for that!

Browns (+14) vs EAGLES

I remember when the Monday night game used to matter. The Browns are awful. The Eagles are not as good as they’ve been the last two weeks. I mean, they tied at Cincy? That counts for something right? Maybe? I don’t know what I’m doin.

This Week: 0-0-1
Last Week: 10-6
Season: 109-97-6