A message from the SportsOne:
Sorry everyone. I’ve been sick; more so than usual even. It all started last week when I went to visit my people in London and after a date, spent the next two days sick in my parents spare bedroom. Not fun indeed. I’m back on my feet and ready to resume a column which has definitely been lacking these last few weeks. Was my last viable sports piece really three days before the Super Bowl?? Have I become as reliable in sports writing as MJ is at releasing albums? Ouch, that one hurt. No matter. There’s a ton to get to this week and as promised the NHL Trade Value column will be out on Thursday so sit tight everyone, it’s going to be a great week. With that, let’s get it on.
Well, the NBA All-Star weekend came and went and the NBA Trade Deadline came and went too. That was fun. Really? Rafer Alston is THE marquee name that got traded this year? Nobody wanted Amare? (Probably a good choice in retrospect) The biggest news was Tyson Chandler being deemed to big a risk to join the Thunder. (I hate it when MY big toe hurts too) So as February is about to become March and the stretch run is upon us, there was one team who made a deal and instantly became a better team. No, not because they picked up the guy who could save their season and not because this player will develop into a star amidst the ones they already have. No folks, this trade worked for one reason and one reason only. The newest members of the “Trading For an Expiring Contract Club”: The 2008-09 Toronto Raptors.
I wisely decided to wait three games just to see what Shawn Marion would bring to the team. He was involved in the trade that sent present door-stop Jermaine O’Neal and “Shows flashes but really isn’t a great player” Jamario Moon to Miami before the All Star Game. The first game out was against the Cavs on Wednesday and all the local papers were calling it “The Marion Era”. That floored me. Couldn’t these newspaper guys realize that Marion is gone in eight weeks? He’s a rental player; actually, he’s a rental contract. In the great traditions of expiring contract players (more on that in a bit) Toronto has found one of the best in the league this year. He can still play at an adequate level (not for his salary), rebound a little (not for his salary), drop a dime or two (again, not for his salary) and he’s a fun guy to hang out with I’m sure (I’m sure I saw an “After the game, strippers on you right Shawn?” look from Anthony Parker during that game) but other than that it’s a wash.
I’m sure that some of you are finding it difficult to see where I’m coming from with this term “Expiring Contract” and how it is an asset to the Raptors. It works like this: O’Neal was due $21 million this season and will be due the same amount next year as well. Buy shipping him off to Miami (Thank You!) they now get a player who is in the last year of his deal. The Raps will pay him for the duration of the year and that’s it. The money they would have owed to O’Neal is being paid by Miami now, so that money is freed up to invest in a player who might be worth a similar amount. I.e. Not Shawn Marion.
Now they might try to resign him, but anything more than 3 years for $20 million would be a waste, especially if they can get one of the players at the bottom of this column.
Shawn Marion’s $17 million contract isn’t as lucrative as some of the other expiring contracts in the last few years. Remember when Phoenix traded for Penny Hardaway? Theo Ratliff, signed a huge deal and once everyone realized he was a $19million Pape Sow went from one of the highest paid guys in the league to a $1.4 million player who now to supplement his income parks cars at the Wachovia Center before games? At least Marion can still put up 12 and 10. That being said, it’s still not the Marion Era. I was happy to see this guy come to town for one reason and one reason only: To get him out of here this summer and bring someone in who can actually make this team better.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s review the first three games since the trade. A worse game than it sounds 17 point home loss to Cleveland, a 30 point loss at New York (a game in which the Raps were actually down 9-0 four minutes into the game prompting a buddy of mine to inquire as to whether anyone had ever been shut out in the first quarter of a game before; to their credit they managed 22 for the quarter; down by 20 after one isn’t bad right?) and a 10 point win at home Sunday against the same Knicks. In defence, Chris Bosh missed the Cleveland game and Anthony Parker was absent from the first New York game (check his stats, they can tell me he played all they want, I know what I saw!) so it pretty much was a mirror of what this team has accomplished for the season: 1-2. For every win, we get two losses. This Marion trade is supposed to get us excited for a potential first round playoff drubbing at the hands of Cleveland or Orlando? Sign me up!!
(Actually, I think the Raptors could definitely surprise Boston if they were to play in the opening round. They always play the Celtics hard, and Boston plays better against opponents who are not familiar with them, like those in the West. Cleveland would absolutely destroy Toronto, and Orlando already did last year; and they’re better this year, and we’re WORSE! Much, much worse.)
So here’s an idea: Lose the season and get a lottery pick! A novel idea, considering outside of a few plane crashes there’s no way this team could ever be the Eastern Conference Champs. So, get a high draft pick, and then take the $21 million we’re not paying O’Neal next season and invest it in an adequate player so our star player won’t opt out of his contract in 2010. That’s what must happen. There’s a problem at the root of this that won’t go away unless Bryan Colangelo fixes it this summer: Chris Bosh needs to win, and this current line up won’t get him to the promised land.
A few weeks ago ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith pronounced that Chris Bosh wanted out of Toronto and every reporter in the city was up in arms saying things like “Smith is nuts!” or “Bosh loves Toronto!” I’ll be the first to agree with both of those statements. Bosh DOES love Toronto. And Stephen A Smith IS nuts (at the very least) however, he hit the nail on the head. I told my buddy Phil back in January that unless the Raps give Bosh an adequate front man, he’s out during the Summer of LeBron. (Right now my money is on Bosh joining LeBron and Steve Nash in New York. Remember I told you it would happen.)
The problem is that the free agent market in 2009 for the most part sucks. It’s full of wash outs like Allen Iverson and Jason Kidd, guys we wish we had 6 or 7 years ago. Kobe COULD become a free agent, but he’s not going anywhere. The rest of the field isn’t even worth mentioning, except for one guy: Carlos Boozer from Utah.
He’s already stated he wants out of Utah. I know what you’re thinking: Why would he want to play here, you can’t be a star here. That’s true. That’s why Bosh wants to leave. I can’t say I blame him at all. Look at Chris Paul. He’s a star and plays in New Orleans. Is he a star if he’s playing here? Does anyone get to see him play if he’s playing here in Toronto? Same with Kevin Durant in Oklahoma City. Or Brandon Roy in Portland. Last time I checked OK and Portland aren’t exactly the hot beds of American life. (Does anyone vacation in either of those places??) But their stars, and it’s because they don’t play in a foreign nation. Look at Bosh’s draft class: LeBron, Darko, Anthony, Bosh, Wade. Outside of the nightmare that Darko’s become (he needs to go join our old buddy Araujo in Slovakia or whatever), all of those guys are leaders on their team, but Bosh easily has the lowest profile of any of them. (Yes, LeBron is LeBron and Wade got his team a championship with the help of Shaq and the 2006 NBA Finals referees, one of which is on his way to jail, but still you can’t argue that Bosh would be more recognizable if he played anywhere else, save perhaps Sacremento)
T-Mac wanted out because he wanted to be a star. Carter was a star here, (somehow led the league in All Star voting three years in a row) but he’s a head case. You can’t have a team in the league that never gets a high profile game on American TV and think that you’re going to be a star on that team. (It’s the very reason why Toronto will never get an NFL team: TV deals, but that’s another column) In last years playoffs, the Toronto/Orlando series was the ONLY series that did not air a single game on TNT’s “40 games in 40 nights” NBA playoff schedule. Both feeds were local. As well, you’re almost never going to find a Raptor game on TNT, ABC, or ESPN this season. Yes, there is a collective thought that a Kings/Wolves game would attract more viewers than a Raptors/Spurs matchup, but they’re right. They only care about American viewership, so if they’re only getting one of the teams, why bother? It’s just how it is.
That’s why almost nobody in the US has seen Chris Bosh play. In the 2008 Olympics he was easily the second or third best player on the US team. He just wants to parlay that into a career where “he’s the man” and unless he gets a championship here, he’ll never get it. The way to get it to him, is to sign Carlos Boozer this off season. Something like 5 years $80 million. They’ll have the cap room and the funds necessary. Boozer is a top notch forward who coupled with Bosh could create havoc for the rest of the Eastern Conference. If Bargnani continues to step it up, then you have a starting line up of Bargs, Bosh, Boozer and Calderon. Not too shabby.
So please everyone, quit using the phrase “Marion Era.” Maybe if it was 2003 again I could get pumped up about him. He’s gone after this season, unless they can resign him for about 3 years $10 million or something. Right now the best thing this team can do is tank tank tank. Think Maple Leafs but with an actual chance of landing the No 1 pick. If they can’t sign Boozer this summer, they need to start talking Chris Bosh trade. There is no reason for him to stay after 2010, and frankly I wouldn’t blame him if he left.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Grammys 2009: A Running Diary!
Big, big week in sports this week. The Steelers win the Super Bowl on what has to be the most peculiar non review of our time, Chris Bosh wants out of Toronto and now A-Rod tests positive? I’m entering overload here. Too much to do, so why not take a breather and watch the third best of the Big 3 awards shows: The Grammy’s. Here’s what transpired:
8:00 – There’s comedy. There’s high comedy. And then there’s Rick “The Temp” wearing a suit interviewing music celebs before the show. If they had those Blind Date thought bubbles above every celebrities head, I imagine a good bulk of them would say “Who let this dweeb in here?” or “I wish this dweeb would leave me alone” or “Wow. What a dweeb.” On with the show.
8:01 – U2 takes the stage to sing “Get Your Boots On”!!
8:05 – Not a great song, but they still know how to bring the house down. Good job by them.
8:07 – Whitney Houston? Really? Does she even know where she is? I guess it’s good to get the Whitney appearance over and done with early before the cocaine takes effect.
8:09 – Whitney is still on stage. Quick shot of Grammy show producers looking worried at each other. Also, is it just me or did it not seem like Whitney hasn’t opened her eyes in about eight years. Very confusing stuff.
8:10 – Jennifer Hudson wins the first award and rushes onto the stage wearing apparently a table cloth held onto her by duct tape. Obligatory “Thank God” speech ensues.
8:11 – The Rock is now on. Or Dwayne Johnson. Or whatever he wants to be called now. Wait, when did the name Dwayne Johnson become more marketable than “The Rock”? That would be like Mr T going by his real name “Laurence Tureaud” or any male porno star going by his real name.
8:13 – Justin Timberlake needs to be added to the “Always should host every awards show possible even if he has no affiliation with the subject of the awards” list.
8:16 – Next performance: Al Green and JT with Keith Urban and Boyz II Men. I’m pretty sure Keith Urban had never met Boyz II Men before tonight. I’m also pretty sure Boyz II Men had never heard of Keith Urban before tonight.
8:21 – Probably a good time to mention that there isn’t a host this year, which is kind of weird because outside of the MuchMusic Video Awards, these shows always have hosts. So what are we supposed to do, just have awards been given out and announced willy nilly all night? It’s not looking good.
8:24 – Finally back after an extra long commercial break. The guy from “The Mentalist” announces that Coldplay is about to take the stage. I’ll be honest, I hate Coldplay. Hopefully we get a shot of Thom Yorke with his own thought bubble saying “Aren’t they cute.”
8:25 – And now Jay-Z takes the stage with Chris Martin. They’re still doing performances featuring artists that have absolutely nothing to do with one another. I’d like to say that started with Eminem and Elton John back in 2001 but I know I’m wrong.
8:26 – Jay-Z vanishes as fast as he arrived. Its ok Jay, a tote bag is waiting for you backstage.
8:30 – Keith Urban is back. We’re thirty mintues in and Keith Urban has made two appearances. He’s working for his tote bag.
8:34 – Ok so here’s where we stand. 34 minutes of Grammy Awards show, four performances, a six minute commercial break, one actual award given out, and a post-crack Whitney sighting. Not too shabby!
8:36 – Sheryl Crow and LeAnn Rimes are about to announce the Grammy for Country Music song of the year to a group I’ve never heard of. You can bank on it…..and a group called Sugarland wins. LeAnn looks comfortable as she hands them their award. Ms Crow looks as if she knows as much about this group as me. Glad I’m not alone.
8:38 – Are you serious? They have a contest where ordinary people make videos of themselves singing “I Kissed A Girl” and people like ME can vote for MY favourite????
8:40 – Is anyone else bothered when the Breathe Right guy refers to himself as “an inventor”? You invented ONE THING! That’d be like me referring to myself as a porn star because I starred in a low budget, one off, self made solo video back in 2000. If I had that is. (Too much has been said)
8:43 – Al Green is back with someone called Duffy. And it’s not Hilary Duffy. I’m not sure I like this “new” Duffy. We had a perfectly good old Duffy. My head hurts.
8:45 – Coldplay is the only Song of the Year nominee who has already performed. If you’re doing your homework, you know Coldplay will win……..and there it is!!! They arrive onstage looking like a poor man’s “Sergeant Peppers” from the Beatles Album. Ok good, it was intentional because the band mentioned it. God I hate Coldplay.
8:48 – Kid Rock takes the stage. Is there anyone alive who can pinpoint the exact moment when Kid Rock turned into a credible artist and shed the title of “Guy who more than likely gave Pamela Anderson Hepatitis”?
8:52 – Ok, I’m not really a fan of either Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus (I did like “See You Again” however) but someone please tell me why it’s been announced (3 times now) that they’re singing together for the first time ever, as if the Grammy people had been trying for a decade to reunite the guys from Savage Garden. Is it that big a deal? Is there a Miley-Taylor feud we don’t know about? Is Taylor Swift really Asian? There has to be a connection. And I’m going to find it damn it!
8:56 – Back from commercial as the female announcer (remember, there’s no host) announcing to everyone “Performing together for the very first time: Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus!” I can think of three other instances I would rather see hyped as much as this. How about “Performing together for the very first time: Prince and Michael Jackson” or “Performing together for the very first time: Axl Rose and The Rolling Stones” or how about this one, “Performing together for the very first time: Hilary Duff and Evan Stone”. (Google Evan Stone, you’ll see what I mean)
9:00 – Pop Collaboration with Vocals is next up. Basically they had four real songs and then threw in the Maroon 5 & Rihanna song to make it the necessary five…..Possible nominee for “Most fake Enthusiasm of the night”, when Swift goes bananas announcing Robert Plant and Alison Krauss winning for something called “Rich Woman”. I know I should know the answer, but that’s the sequel to the song Gwen came out with a few years ago right?
9:03 – Jennifer Hudson takes the stage. Definitely not a fan of her; she just seems to over do her singing and not in a good way like Pre-Crack Whitney. And it’s too bad, because the world really needs another Pre-Crack Whitney. We really do.
9:08 – I’m not sure which is a worse idea: The fact that the Grammy’s are encouraging yahoo’s to make Katy Perry videos themselves and for people like me to vote on my favourite or Global deciding it was time they made a sitcom about a black beauty parlour. “Da Kink In My Hair” debuts this week. Really? There was nothing else they could call it? Obviously Tyler Perry wasn’t available.
9:13 – Oh boy, it’s Stevie Wonder with the Jonas Brothers. 100% sure that if Lil Stevie Wonder could see, the first thing he would want to know is “Why the %$&# am I performing with these little punks??” Meanwhile, somewhere Taylor Hanson is weeping.
9:18 – I’m also almost 100% sure that Blink 182 was invited because Travis Barker broke his arm in a plane crash. So there you go, if your band broke up and nobody cared, you’re a plane crash and broken arm away from a spot on the Grammy’s! This leads to a funny moment where they announce that Blink 182 is back together again and nobody applauds.
9:19 – Coldplay wins another award, this time for Rock Album which boggles the mind because although Coldplay is a lot of things, they are not rock! Look at the other nominees: Metallica, Kings of Leon, hell even Kid Rock has “rock” in his name! How have they not created a separate category for bands like Coldplay, Radiohead and others who although they look like a rock band are not rock? This once again proves that if a band is white and plays guitars without twang, they qualify for Rock Album of the Year. If the band is black, it’s R&B and if they have twang, it’s country. Glad all is right in the music world again.
9:24 – Hang on, “Da Kink In My Hair” isn’t a new show? It actually warranted a second season? Fair enough. I will now smash a vase over my head.
9:27 – Katy Perry arrives to sing “I Kissed a Girl”, a song which isn’t on the Mount Rushmore of “Songs to play to get drunk girls excited and dancing because they just can’t help dance to this song” but could be in the next few years. So far, the Mount Rushmore consists of “Girls Just Want To Have Fun”, “Wannabe” and “I’ve Had The Time Of My Life” from Dirty Dancing as well as a fourth song that I’ll leave up to you because every Mount Rushmore needs something personal on it. Also, Katy Perry is a strange looking girl. Just putting that out there.
9:31 – Kanye West looks like Cameo tonight. Also, just putting that out there.
9:34 – Hmm, the nominees for Best New Artist involve the Jonas Brothers and four artists I’ve never heard of. I don’t know who will win, but I do know that the Bros have no chance…..and a cute, pale, plump girl named Adele wins. Nothin’ wrong with that eh?
9:35 – They throw us to commercial by showing us Kenny Chesney who kind of looks like Billy Corgan in a cowboy hat, Robert Plant in video form looking like what Chad Kroeger might look like in twenty years, and what they’re calling a Hip Hop Summit. I don’t know about you, but I’m on the edge of my seat.
9:39 – Hang on, when did Morgan Freeman get his ears pierced??
9:41 – Billy, er, Kenny Chesney performs “Better as a Memory” (I looked it up ok?). Is it too much to ask to have Toby Keith come onstage brandishing a six pack and throwing them one by one to the audience while Kenny looks on in absolute shock? I long for the unpredictable-ness of the Brit Awards.
9:44 – Kanye doesn’t look like Cameo anymore. Something is amiss. Oh wait it’s Puff Daddy that’s why. Oh, and apparently Natalie Cole still makes music. Who knew? Record of the Year award is up.
9:45 – Wow, I was 100% sure they’d give the award to MIA for Paper Planes for no other reason than she seemed to be the “it” artist this year. Another award for Mr. Plant and Ms. Krauss. Am I the only one annoyed when artists win major awards for collaborations like these? I mean, Alison Krauss and Robert Plant aren’t a group, they’re a one-off project. It seems a little unfair because though Coldplay and MIA will have future chances to win in this category this is the ONLY time the academy will ever have the opportunity to give Robert Plant and Alison Krauss the Record of the Year award, so I should have known it was going to them. Sorry, everything seems to piss me off when there’s seven months before meaningful football again.
9:46 – E! Online just had a commercial for their website featuring the song “Untouched” by The Veronicas. I’m happy again.
9:50 – Another “Da Kink” commercial. Now I’m angry again.
9:51 – Say what you want about Queen Latifah, but I dare you to find a lady who would be more fun to go out with and drink pitcher after pitcher of beer.
9:52 – Kudos to MIA for making it and performing for a little bit while obviously pregnant. Ok, Kanye still looks like Cameo. That’s a relief. Also, LeBron needs to show up with Jay-Z at some point, just to you know, fuel the fire.
9:54 – I’m enjoying the ladder of Hip Hop on the stage. T.I. isn’t quite Lil’ Wayne (only because Wayne was up for a ton of awards tonight), Lil’ Wayne isn’t quite Kanye, and Kanye isn’t quite Jay-Z. Glad they spelled this out for me.
9:58 – Ok, Paul McCartney with Dave Grohl. THIS is a good duet. On one hand you have Sir Paul. On the other you have a guy who was in Nirvana, but then formed his own group and has been consistently popular and critically acclaimed for over a decade with said new band. If you want, this is the opposite of someone like Stevie Wonder performing with a band that in five years might be as washed up as Nelson was in 1993. (Yes, I just dropped a Nelson reference)
10:01 – Neil Diamond is up soon. Would an appearance by Will Ferrell be too much to ask? Knowing the Grammy’s, probably.
10:07 – Jack Black appears to announce Best Male Pop Vocal award and huge surprise as John Mayer wins again. I think he’s becoming the male Sheryl Crow. During his acceptance speech I was waiting for him to accidentally blurt out “Thank you, I love making music, I love being an artist, I love bagging hot celebs…er...I mean…damn” but it never happened. Too bad.
10:08 – I’m pretty sure neither Jay Mohr nor LL Cool J know who Sugarland or Adele are, although LL is probably sober enough to witness them win awards earlier in the night. Sorry Jay, you have a new sitcom on your hands. We all know where a lot of that money is going.
10:14 – Well at least the cute, pale, plump girl from England from an hour ago is back on stage again. I think it’s time I googled this one. Back in a few seconds.
10:16 – Well that’s done then. Probably a good time to mention that the only pseudo-celebs from CBS sitcoms missing from the show at this point are the four guys from The Big Bang Theory.
10:17 – I really hope they’re just building up to a commercial where the guy who never has Rogers finally gets something that the guy who always has Rogers doesn’t have, and finally beats him. And beats him. And beats him. Just a personal wish. On the plus side, we’re going on almost two months with no new commercials featuring the blonde girl.
10:21 – What?? No shot of Chris Martin looking on horrified as his own wife giddily praises Radiohead right in front of him? That’s just not fair. Either way, Radiohead takes the stage with a Marching Band. Ladies and Gentlemen: Rock in 2009!
10:25 – Heads up to the Grammy people: Look, you missed out having Will Ferrell perform with Robert Goulet, please don’t cheat us out of a performance with him and Neil Diamond. (You’re damn right it’s Neil Diamond!)
10:28 – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until I die: KY Jelly commercials are always fun to watch, just because you know 95% of people use it for backdoor entries. And who doesn’t love giggling about that?
10:31 – This has to be the tenth time tonight we’ve had a performance by “Two people together for the first time!” It’s kind of at the point of ridiculousness now, reminiscent of Homer Simpson’s great line “I’m a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how stupid my ideas are” while he reaches for a can that says “Nuts N Gum – together at last!” See, there WAS a point to that story. I think it’s getting late/boring.
10:36 – The President of the Grammy’s looks a lot like the guy from Seinfeld who was a producer on “Scarsdale Surprise”, you know, the guy who told Kramer to fire Raquel Welch. You know him? Remember that episode? That was a good one. Thinking about it is easily more entertaining that listening to this look-alike speak.
10:40 – The President just introduced Smokey Robinson. I dig Smokey Robinson. So there. He’s about to perform with Ne-Yo, Jamie Foxx and Duke Fakir recreating the Four Tops.
10:41 – I’ve heard a lot of Ne-Yo songs over the last three years, my favourite being “Because of You” which I’m still convinced is a song about self gratification addiction being sung by him to his um…willing partner. (“I need it when I want it/I want it when I don’t/Tell myself I’ll stop everyday, knowing that I won’t.” Come on, tell me that’s not about that!)
10:43 – Neil Diamond is on deck. I’ll give huge odds that he either performs “Cherry Cherry” or “Sweet Caroline”. Any takers?
10:49 – And Neil performs “Caroline”. Looks like I won the fake bet.
10:50 – I would just like to say once and for all that the film “Beautiful Girls” needs to be credited with elevating this song from pretty good song from the 60s to iconic 20th century piece of pop art.
10:51 – Funny shot of Paul McCartney singing along and not really knowing the words. It’s okay, he can’t know everything.
10:55 – John Mayer, B.B. King, Keith Urban (again Keith??) and Buddy Guy perform “Bo Diddley”, the song that thanks to “Fritz the Cat” is best remembered as being an intermission piece used in an X rated film which as also a cartoon. Thank God.
11:00 – Wait, its 11 and this isn’t over yet…it goes till 1130??? Ok, get ready for overtime baby. Here comes the home stretch.
11:04 – I just realized we’re going on an hour without anyone winning an award, though here’s yet another plug for “Da Kink” and I may have to check this show out to see if it actually does exist.
11:06 – Gary Sinise introduces Lil’ Wayne and Robin Thicke (Alan’s kid). He also acknowledges Wayne as a “winner earlier tonight”. When did he win? Oh right, before the actual show they give out the “lesser” awards if you want to call them that. You’ll have to Wikipedia the award winners though, as I’m having trouble remembering who won earlier tonight at the actual awards show. An hour between winners will do that for you.
11:11 – T-Pain!!! THAT’S the guy in the hat that looks like he used to be a massive nerd in high school. I’m glad I got that straightened out.
11:12 – Lil’ Wayne wins for Rap Album of the Year beating out Jay-Z, T.I, Nas and Lupe Fiasco. And, yes, he just performed. I’m telling you people, it’s not a trend, it’s a sure fire thing. On the plus side, a bunch of music fans just realized that Nas is still making music.
11:15 – Maybe it’s because its 11:15 on a Sunday night, but I really want to buy those Glad Spongy Garbage Bags. I really do.
11:20 – I’m not familiar with Zooey Deschanel but apparently that’s her real name. She introduced Robert Plant and Alison Krauss who will perform a song I’m also not familiar with. Seeing as how Album of the Year is the only award left, I’d bet they’re about to win. Just a hunch.
11:25 – Green Day come out to present Album of the Year. Is there another band than Green Day who has been able to look weirder and weirder every time they attend a show like this? I mean, we’re into year fifteen of Green Day and they just keep topping themselves don’t they?
11:26 – And Mr Plant and Ms Krauss win again. The artists sitting in their seats must have known they had no chance.
11:28 – With that, we’re out.
11:30 – Overall not a bad show this year, although I would have preferred a host. Lowlights include Stevie Wonder being forced to perform with the Jonas Brothers, Jennifer Hudson, Kid Rock, no Will Ferrell singing with Neil Diamond, no Chris Martin reaction to his wife’s teary eyed intro of Radiohead, every performance being dubbed as “together for the first time!” and me being roped into watching “Da Kink” this week; maybe I’ll have a “Da Kink Diary”.
Highlights include MIA performing while pregnant (and not just a little pregnant, like REALLY pregnant), me NOT having to watch Katy Perry fan videos, the cute plump pale girl from England, Green Day continuing to look weird (and sound weird too, I mean wasn’t that awkward hearing Billy Joe sign off at the end?), Paul McCartney not knowing the words to “Sweet Caroline”, Blink 182 announcing their comeback to much fan fare, the cute plump pale girl from England, the Grammy producers continuing to slickly schedule artist performances to coincide with them winning awards, Stevie Wonder performing without the Jonas Brothers, “Cameo Kanye West” and the cute plump pale girl from England.
I miss football already.
8:00 – There’s comedy. There’s high comedy. And then there’s Rick “The Temp” wearing a suit interviewing music celebs before the show. If they had those Blind Date thought bubbles above every celebrities head, I imagine a good bulk of them would say “Who let this dweeb in here?” or “I wish this dweeb would leave me alone” or “Wow. What a dweeb.” On with the show.
8:01 – U2 takes the stage to sing “Get Your Boots On”!!
8:05 – Not a great song, but they still know how to bring the house down. Good job by them.
8:07 – Whitney Houston? Really? Does she even know where she is? I guess it’s good to get the Whitney appearance over and done with early before the cocaine takes effect.
8:09 – Whitney is still on stage. Quick shot of Grammy show producers looking worried at each other. Also, is it just me or did it not seem like Whitney hasn’t opened her eyes in about eight years. Very confusing stuff.
8:10 – Jennifer Hudson wins the first award and rushes onto the stage wearing apparently a table cloth held onto her by duct tape. Obligatory “Thank God” speech ensues.
8:11 – The Rock is now on. Or Dwayne Johnson. Or whatever he wants to be called now. Wait, when did the name Dwayne Johnson become more marketable than “The Rock”? That would be like Mr T going by his real name “Laurence Tureaud” or any male porno star going by his real name.
8:13 – Justin Timberlake needs to be added to the “Always should host every awards show possible even if he has no affiliation with the subject of the awards” list.
8:16 – Next performance: Al Green and JT with Keith Urban and Boyz II Men. I’m pretty sure Keith Urban had never met Boyz II Men before tonight. I’m also pretty sure Boyz II Men had never heard of Keith Urban before tonight.
8:21 – Probably a good time to mention that there isn’t a host this year, which is kind of weird because outside of the MuchMusic Video Awards, these shows always have hosts. So what are we supposed to do, just have awards been given out and announced willy nilly all night? It’s not looking good.
8:24 – Finally back after an extra long commercial break. The guy from “The Mentalist” announces that Coldplay is about to take the stage. I’ll be honest, I hate Coldplay. Hopefully we get a shot of Thom Yorke with his own thought bubble saying “Aren’t they cute.”
8:25 – And now Jay-Z takes the stage with Chris Martin. They’re still doing performances featuring artists that have absolutely nothing to do with one another. I’d like to say that started with Eminem and Elton John back in 2001 but I know I’m wrong.
8:26 – Jay-Z vanishes as fast as he arrived. Its ok Jay, a tote bag is waiting for you backstage.
8:30 – Keith Urban is back. We’re thirty mintues in and Keith Urban has made two appearances. He’s working for his tote bag.
8:34 – Ok so here’s where we stand. 34 minutes of Grammy Awards show, four performances, a six minute commercial break, one actual award given out, and a post-crack Whitney sighting. Not too shabby!
8:36 – Sheryl Crow and LeAnn Rimes are about to announce the Grammy for Country Music song of the year to a group I’ve never heard of. You can bank on it…..and a group called Sugarland wins. LeAnn looks comfortable as she hands them their award. Ms Crow looks as if she knows as much about this group as me. Glad I’m not alone.
8:38 – Are you serious? They have a contest where ordinary people make videos of themselves singing “I Kissed A Girl” and people like ME can vote for MY favourite????
8:40 – Is anyone else bothered when the Breathe Right guy refers to himself as “an inventor”? You invented ONE THING! That’d be like me referring to myself as a porn star because I starred in a low budget, one off, self made solo video back in 2000. If I had that is. (Too much has been said)
8:43 – Al Green is back with someone called Duffy. And it’s not Hilary Duffy. I’m not sure I like this “new” Duffy. We had a perfectly good old Duffy. My head hurts.
8:45 – Coldplay is the only Song of the Year nominee who has already performed. If you’re doing your homework, you know Coldplay will win……..and there it is!!! They arrive onstage looking like a poor man’s “Sergeant Peppers” from the Beatles Album. Ok good, it was intentional because the band mentioned it. God I hate Coldplay.
8:48 – Kid Rock takes the stage. Is there anyone alive who can pinpoint the exact moment when Kid Rock turned into a credible artist and shed the title of “Guy who more than likely gave Pamela Anderson Hepatitis”?
8:52 – Ok, I’m not really a fan of either Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus (I did like “See You Again” however) but someone please tell me why it’s been announced (3 times now) that they’re singing together for the first time ever, as if the Grammy people had been trying for a decade to reunite the guys from Savage Garden. Is it that big a deal? Is there a Miley-Taylor feud we don’t know about? Is Taylor Swift really Asian? There has to be a connection. And I’m going to find it damn it!
8:56 – Back from commercial as the female announcer (remember, there’s no host) announcing to everyone “Performing together for the very first time: Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus!” I can think of three other instances I would rather see hyped as much as this. How about “Performing together for the very first time: Prince and Michael Jackson” or “Performing together for the very first time: Axl Rose and The Rolling Stones” or how about this one, “Performing together for the very first time: Hilary Duff and Evan Stone”. (Google Evan Stone, you’ll see what I mean)
9:00 – Pop Collaboration with Vocals is next up. Basically they had four real songs and then threw in the Maroon 5 & Rihanna song to make it the necessary five…..Possible nominee for “Most fake Enthusiasm of the night”, when Swift goes bananas announcing Robert Plant and Alison Krauss winning for something called “Rich Woman”. I know I should know the answer, but that’s the sequel to the song Gwen came out with a few years ago right?
9:03 – Jennifer Hudson takes the stage. Definitely not a fan of her; she just seems to over do her singing and not in a good way like Pre-Crack Whitney. And it’s too bad, because the world really needs another Pre-Crack Whitney. We really do.
9:08 – I’m not sure which is a worse idea: The fact that the Grammy’s are encouraging yahoo’s to make Katy Perry videos themselves and for people like me to vote on my favourite or Global deciding it was time they made a sitcom about a black beauty parlour. “Da Kink In My Hair” debuts this week. Really? There was nothing else they could call it? Obviously Tyler Perry wasn’t available.
9:13 – Oh boy, it’s Stevie Wonder with the Jonas Brothers. 100% sure that if Lil Stevie Wonder could see, the first thing he would want to know is “Why the %$&# am I performing with these little punks??” Meanwhile, somewhere Taylor Hanson is weeping.
9:18 – I’m also almost 100% sure that Blink 182 was invited because Travis Barker broke his arm in a plane crash. So there you go, if your band broke up and nobody cared, you’re a plane crash and broken arm away from a spot on the Grammy’s! This leads to a funny moment where they announce that Blink 182 is back together again and nobody applauds.
9:19 – Coldplay wins another award, this time for Rock Album which boggles the mind because although Coldplay is a lot of things, they are not rock! Look at the other nominees: Metallica, Kings of Leon, hell even Kid Rock has “rock” in his name! How have they not created a separate category for bands like Coldplay, Radiohead and others who although they look like a rock band are not rock? This once again proves that if a band is white and plays guitars without twang, they qualify for Rock Album of the Year. If the band is black, it’s R&B and if they have twang, it’s country. Glad all is right in the music world again.
9:24 – Hang on, “Da Kink In My Hair” isn’t a new show? It actually warranted a second season? Fair enough. I will now smash a vase over my head.
9:27 – Katy Perry arrives to sing “I Kissed a Girl”, a song which isn’t on the Mount Rushmore of “Songs to play to get drunk girls excited and dancing because they just can’t help dance to this song” but could be in the next few years. So far, the Mount Rushmore consists of “Girls Just Want To Have Fun”, “Wannabe” and “I’ve Had The Time Of My Life” from Dirty Dancing as well as a fourth song that I’ll leave up to you because every Mount Rushmore needs something personal on it. Also, Katy Perry is a strange looking girl. Just putting that out there.
9:31 – Kanye West looks like Cameo tonight. Also, just putting that out there.
9:34 – Hmm, the nominees for Best New Artist involve the Jonas Brothers and four artists I’ve never heard of. I don’t know who will win, but I do know that the Bros have no chance…..and a cute, pale, plump girl named Adele wins. Nothin’ wrong with that eh?
9:35 – They throw us to commercial by showing us Kenny Chesney who kind of looks like Billy Corgan in a cowboy hat, Robert Plant in video form looking like what Chad Kroeger might look like in twenty years, and what they’re calling a Hip Hop Summit. I don’t know about you, but I’m on the edge of my seat.
9:39 – Hang on, when did Morgan Freeman get his ears pierced??
9:41 – Billy, er, Kenny Chesney performs “Better as a Memory” (I looked it up ok?). Is it too much to ask to have Toby Keith come onstage brandishing a six pack and throwing them one by one to the audience while Kenny looks on in absolute shock? I long for the unpredictable-ness of the Brit Awards.
9:44 – Kanye doesn’t look like Cameo anymore. Something is amiss. Oh wait it’s Puff Daddy that’s why. Oh, and apparently Natalie Cole still makes music. Who knew? Record of the Year award is up.
9:45 – Wow, I was 100% sure they’d give the award to MIA for Paper Planes for no other reason than she seemed to be the “it” artist this year. Another award for Mr. Plant and Ms. Krauss. Am I the only one annoyed when artists win major awards for collaborations like these? I mean, Alison Krauss and Robert Plant aren’t a group, they’re a one-off project. It seems a little unfair because though Coldplay and MIA will have future chances to win in this category this is the ONLY time the academy will ever have the opportunity to give Robert Plant and Alison Krauss the Record of the Year award, so I should have known it was going to them. Sorry, everything seems to piss me off when there’s seven months before meaningful football again.
9:46 – E! Online just had a commercial for their website featuring the song “Untouched” by The Veronicas. I’m happy again.
9:50 – Another “Da Kink” commercial. Now I’m angry again.
9:51 – Say what you want about Queen Latifah, but I dare you to find a lady who would be more fun to go out with and drink pitcher after pitcher of beer.
9:52 – Kudos to MIA for making it and performing for a little bit while obviously pregnant. Ok, Kanye still looks like Cameo. That’s a relief. Also, LeBron needs to show up with Jay-Z at some point, just to you know, fuel the fire.
9:54 – I’m enjoying the ladder of Hip Hop on the stage. T.I. isn’t quite Lil’ Wayne (only because Wayne was up for a ton of awards tonight), Lil’ Wayne isn’t quite Kanye, and Kanye isn’t quite Jay-Z. Glad they spelled this out for me.
9:58 – Ok, Paul McCartney with Dave Grohl. THIS is a good duet. On one hand you have Sir Paul. On the other you have a guy who was in Nirvana, but then formed his own group and has been consistently popular and critically acclaimed for over a decade with said new band. If you want, this is the opposite of someone like Stevie Wonder performing with a band that in five years might be as washed up as Nelson was in 1993. (Yes, I just dropped a Nelson reference)
10:01 – Neil Diamond is up soon. Would an appearance by Will Ferrell be too much to ask? Knowing the Grammy’s, probably.
10:07 – Jack Black appears to announce Best Male Pop Vocal award and huge surprise as John Mayer wins again. I think he’s becoming the male Sheryl Crow. During his acceptance speech I was waiting for him to accidentally blurt out “Thank you, I love making music, I love being an artist, I love bagging hot celebs…er...I mean…damn” but it never happened. Too bad.
10:08 – I’m pretty sure neither Jay Mohr nor LL Cool J know who Sugarland or Adele are, although LL is probably sober enough to witness them win awards earlier in the night. Sorry Jay, you have a new sitcom on your hands. We all know where a lot of that money is going.
10:14 – Well at least the cute, pale, plump girl from England from an hour ago is back on stage again. I think it’s time I googled this one. Back in a few seconds.
10:16 – Well that’s done then. Probably a good time to mention that the only pseudo-celebs from CBS sitcoms missing from the show at this point are the four guys from The Big Bang Theory.
10:17 – I really hope they’re just building up to a commercial where the guy who never has Rogers finally gets something that the guy who always has Rogers doesn’t have, and finally beats him. And beats him. And beats him. Just a personal wish. On the plus side, we’re going on almost two months with no new commercials featuring the blonde girl.
10:21 – What?? No shot of Chris Martin looking on horrified as his own wife giddily praises Radiohead right in front of him? That’s just not fair. Either way, Radiohead takes the stage with a Marching Band. Ladies and Gentlemen: Rock in 2009!
10:25 – Heads up to the Grammy people: Look, you missed out having Will Ferrell perform with Robert Goulet, please don’t cheat us out of a performance with him and Neil Diamond. (You’re damn right it’s Neil Diamond!)
10:28 – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until I die: KY Jelly commercials are always fun to watch, just because you know 95% of people use it for backdoor entries. And who doesn’t love giggling about that?
10:31 – This has to be the tenth time tonight we’ve had a performance by “Two people together for the first time!” It’s kind of at the point of ridiculousness now, reminiscent of Homer Simpson’s great line “I’m a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how stupid my ideas are” while he reaches for a can that says “Nuts N Gum – together at last!” See, there WAS a point to that story. I think it’s getting late/boring.
10:36 – The President of the Grammy’s looks a lot like the guy from Seinfeld who was a producer on “Scarsdale Surprise”, you know, the guy who told Kramer to fire Raquel Welch. You know him? Remember that episode? That was a good one. Thinking about it is easily more entertaining that listening to this look-alike speak.
10:40 – The President just introduced Smokey Robinson. I dig Smokey Robinson. So there. He’s about to perform with Ne-Yo, Jamie Foxx and Duke Fakir recreating the Four Tops.
10:41 – I’ve heard a lot of Ne-Yo songs over the last three years, my favourite being “Because of You” which I’m still convinced is a song about self gratification addiction being sung by him to his um…willing partner. (“I need it when I want it/I want it when I don’t/Tell myself I’ll stop everyday, knowing that I won’t.” Come on, tell me that’s not about that!)
10:43 – Neil Diamond is on deck. I’ll give huge odds that he either performs “Cherry Cherry” or “Sweet Caroline”. Any takers?
10:49 – And Neil performs “Caroline”. Looks like I won the fake bet.
10:50 – I would just like to say once and for all that the film “Beautiful Girls” needs to be credited with elevating this song from pretty good song from the 60s to iconic 20th century piece of pop art.
10:51 – Funny shot of Paul McCartney singing along and not really knowing the words. It’s okay, he can’t know everything.
10:55 – John Mayer, B.B. King, Keith Urban (again Keith??) and Buddy Guy perform “Bo Diddley”, the song that thanks to “Fritz the Cat” is best remembered as being an intermission piece used in an X rated film which as also a cartoon. Thank God.
11:00 – Wait, its 11 and this isn’t over yet…it goes till 1130??? Ok, get ready for overtime baby. Here comes the home stretch.
11:04 – I just realized we’re going on an hour without anyone winning an award, though here’s yet another plug for “Da Kink” and I may have to check this show out to see if it actually does exist.
11:06 – Gary Sinise introduces Lil’ Wayne and Robin Thicke (Alan’s kid). He also acknowledges Wayne as a “winner earlier tonight”. When did he win? Oh right, before the actual show they give out the “lesser” awards if you want to call them that. You’ll have to Wikipedia the award winners though, as I’m having trouble remembering who won earlier tonight at the actual awards show. An hour between winners will do that for you.
11:11 – T-Pain!!! THAT’S the guy in the hat that looks like he used to be a massive nerd in high school. I’m glad I got that straightened out.
11:12 – Lil’ Wayne wins for Rap Album of the Year beating out Jay-Z, T.I, Nas and Lupe Fiasco. And, yes, he just performed. I’m telling you people, it’s not a trend, it’s a sure fire thing. On the plus side, a bunch of music fans just realized that Nas is still making music.
11:15 – Maybe it’s because its 11:15 on a Sunday night, but I really want to buy those Glad Spongy Garbage Bags. I really do.
11:20 – I’m not familiar with Zooey Deschanel but apparently that’s her real name. She introduced Robert Plant and Alison Krauss who will perform a song I’m also not familiar with. Seeing as how Album of the Year is the only award left, I’d bet they’re about to win. Just a hunch.
11:25 – Green Day come out to present Album of the Year. Is there another band than Green Day who has been able to look weirder and weirder every time they attend a show like this? I mean, we’re into year fifteen of Green Day and they just keep topping themselves don’t they?
11:26 – And Mr Plant and Ms Krauss win again. The artists sitting in their seats must have known they had no chance.
11:28 – With that, we’re out.
11:30 – Overall not a bad show this year, although I would have preferred a host. Lowlights include Stevie Wonder being forced to perform with the Jonas Brothers, Jennifer Hudson, Kid Rock, no Will Ferrell singing with Neil Diamond, no Chris Martin reaction to his wife’s teary eyed intro of Radiohead, every performance being dubbed as “together for the first time!” and me being roped into watching “Da Kink” this week; maybe I’ll have a “Da Kink Diary”.
Highlights include MIA performing while pregnant (and not just a little pregnant, like REALLY pregnant), me NOT having to watch Katy Perry fan videos, the cute plump pale girl from England, Green Day continuing to look weird (and sound weird too, I mean wasn’t that awkward hearing Billy Joe sign off at the end?), Paul McCartney not knowing the words to “Sweet Caroline”, Blink 182 announcing their comeback to much fan fare, the cute plump pale girl from England, the Grammy producers continuing to slickly schedule artist performances to coincide with them winning awards, Stevie Wonder performing without the Jonas Brothers, “Cameo Kanye West” and the cute plump pale girl from England.
I miss football already.
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